Thursday, December 30, 2010
As I spend time with my niece, who is the exact age as Sophia should be, I wonder how I can even manage to get up each day. When I look at my daughter's urn, I see everything that should be happening, but get hit with what is actually going on. My memories of having a bump are failing. Instead, I am having major back problems made by stress and grief. And in spite of it all, I am still going. Am I cold? Am I unfeeling? No, I don't think so. I am just a woman who's grief is making her feel like an empty vessel. I feel my dreams of being a Mommy to a live child are slipping through my fingers and I am not quite sure how to process that. *sigh*
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
So one problem down, always another to go. Similac seems to think that I am a most valued customer and has put me into their "Gold Moms" program with tons of mailings.... yay fun. I am starting to think that the mailbox may be my worst enemy yet.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Infertility, Comraderie, Friendship, Support and Loss
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I am doing ok. I am just fed up. Fed up with being thrown under the bus left and right. Needing good things to come my way and for things to stop being taken away. Thanks for listening.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
I know I have many readers out there in the shadows :) I am asking for just a bit of your time to try and make this happen. It was my first big thing I hopped into after losing Sophia and I hold this special to my heart.
Here is the link for the movie: http://www.waitingforsuperman.com/
and here is the link for my project on DonorsChoose:
Any bit would help and I appreciate it greatly! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
And speaking of Cheerleaders, I have a huge one out in the Bronx. My dear friend sent a lovely care package before my procedure on Tuesday with lucky socks (they were even polka dots!) and some sticky dust as well. Love this girl so much. :)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
There is a lady in Australia who takes pictures of names in the sand of children gone too soon. The site is To Write Their Names in the Sand. Carly writes the names requested in the sand of a beach in Perth, Australia. The last time she took names, I was able to get my request in and Sophia's name has just gone up on her site. In a way, it hurts my heart to see it, to know why it is there, but it also brings some peace as well. These photos are done in memorial of her son, and it is a beautiful tribute to these precious babies. I will treasure this photograph always. Thank you, Carly.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
over 3 years now)
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
I guess that brings up the question "Will we try again?" To be honest, I just don't know if I will ever be able to bring myself to it again. It makes me so sad to know that I will never experience the happiness of pregnancy in its fullest again. I know if I do happen upon a positive procedure, that my nerves will be completely shot for however long I end up expecting. It is a completely pessimistic look at it all, but that is where I am right now, and that is ok.
I hurt. I hurt more than I can possibly put into words and I am not ok. I will tell you I am. I will put on a brave face, but I'm not. I am surviving. I think that is the best way I can put it. Some days I smile. Some days I laugh. Some days I leave the house and others I stay on my couch. I am surviving and that is all I can do right now. Yes, I know I should see a professional, and I have been since this happened, but no matter what she can say or get me to see, I still hurt. It is normal and it will be for as long as I need it to be. I lost my daughter just as I was getting to really know her, and no amount of words is going to change that. This is my grief.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I dream of what Sophia would be like. I have seen her grow up as a toddler and then as a young girl. I wake up shaken and upset, but part of me smiles for what she could have been. It is a hard thing to swallow. How did I even get to this place?
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Where does that leave us? It took us 2.5 years and 5 embryo transfers just to be lucky enough to get pregnant once with Sophia. Seriously? Why would I even begin to think that we could get lucky again? What makes me think that I could even trust my body with another child to grow? For so long I have concentrated on getting pregnant and now I just don't know. I don't know much of anything anymore. I feel like the further we get from everything, the more I am crumbling. So much pain is in my heart. /vent over
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I really don't know the point of this post, but it was what was inside. Thank you for letting me get it out.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Last week also brought by some friends who had something special for Tyler and I. One of my coworkers had thought to have a star named after Sophia and gave us the certificate and coordinates to go with it. As she was telling our students about her idea, they started taking money out of their pockets to help donate for it. I am so touched. Seriously, my kids might be a pain in the butt half the time, but I love them dearly. I know they love me and miss me and they want to honor Sophia so much. Thank you for that.
The girls also brought by a packet of donations from my Association, PTO, my coworkers and teachers from other buildings in the District to help with bills and anything else we might need. To say we have been completely overwhelmed doesn't even begin to touch it. We truly do have very caring friends and colleagues and that means the world to us. Thank you.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Dr. S came in and asked how we were doing. That is such a hard question to answer. Yes, I am breathing. Yes, I am functioning. Yes, I am most likely putting up a huge wall and faking it until I can make it on my own. I look ok. I get out of bed. I shower, but God, I am so incredibly empty. I cannot even begin to explain the pain that is in my heart. I will never be able to put into words what that is like. Back to the appt... It comes down to this: Sophie was fine. She was small for her age, but there is nothing jumping out as to what happened to her. My baby girl gave it her all and just couldn't keep up. Dr. S thinks it has to do with my hypertension, but that only started at 24 weeks and doesn't really explain why Sophie stopped growing. That is a hard bite to swallow. She should have made it.
My levels on the other hand, did not do so well. There are some things going on with my blood coagulating and my ANA (I think) levels came back abnormal, which can be an indicator of Lupus. I go back in June to meet with a specialist to be retested. At the end of the appointment, as my Zoloft was upped, Dr. S checked my blood pressure to find that it is still really high, higher than it was all pregnancy. That isn't good. He doesn't know why it is so high and I know it is really scaring Tyler. I feel so numb about it all. I don't have my little one to worry about and I just don't worry about me. I don't feel the need to. My meds are upped, again, and now I have to go back next week instead of the middle of May. I think it was the presence of intense headaches that really put Dr. S on alert. They are bad and won't go away. I just want to start to feel ok. Please.
Friday, April 16, 2010
It was the week of Spring Break and it had been gorgeous most of the week. The Nursery had new carpet put in that Monday and the crib was all set and decorated. The room was stunning. Tyler had been taking half-days to be with me and everything was going so well. I called into the Nurse and described what was going on and she decided to have me come in at 1:00 that afternoon to make sure of the heartbeat and check things out.
I was feeling anxious, but nothing too bad. I had not had any bad symptoms. No spotting, no pain...just being pregnant in the third tri. Tyler was nervous. I could see it in his face, but I tried to reassure him. When we got to the Doctor's office, the Nurse brought us back and tried to find Petri's heartbeat. She was having a hard time. Petri had been stubborn before, so I tried not to panic. Another Nurse came in and tried to find the heartbeat. This Nurse had been the one to normally check me in, and she had no luck. At that moment, I started to cry. The ladies went to get the Doctor on call because mine was out of town and they brought in the portable sono. It was so surreal as I lifted my shirt and felt the jelly being rubbed around my pregnant tummy. The Doctor looked at me in that instant, after studying the screen, and said that she was so sorry to have to tell us this, but our baby had died. There was no heartbeat.
Panic, shock, denial.... so much rushed through my head at the same time. I completely broke as Tyler came to my side and held me..knowing our dream was crushed in one second. As quickly as the denial came, I realized that I would have to deliver my daughter who had already passed. The Doctor told us our options as I struggled to focus on anything. I looked into Tyler's eyes and saw what I was feeling, utter devastation. We decided that I needed to deliver as soon as I could. I couldn't be in limbo.
We were brought down to the real sono department so they could take measurements and found out our precious Sophia was only measuring at 24 weeks. Something had happened at some point to stop her growth or slow it. That was quite a blow to take. After the sono, we were told to head to Labor and Delivery. When we got there, they didn't really know what to do with us. They asked us something, I don't remember what, and I told them I was there to deliver my baby. She had died. I didn't say it nicely, and it wasn't my best moment, but it sure got people moving. We were brought to a Birthing Suite and hit in the face with the infant warmer and all the niceties you want to see in the Suite you will have your baby in, but would be so bitter to see if your child was not coming to the world alive. This was about 3 in the afternoon. The Nurse left us alone for a long time. We had asked for some time to let things sink in and to get a hold of our families. Our parents never make it easy, but we finally talked to everyone. In an instant, parents were coming from out of town, and out of state.
At some point, the people from the lab came in and took anywhere from 20-25 vials of blood from me. I just sat there, with what I am sure was a very glazed over look on my face. Tyler held my hand as that finished and had to verify the name labels. It was then about 6pm. At that point, I changed into the hospital gown and sat in the bed. We decided to get the IV hooked up and start inducing. At some point, they asked us about what funeral home we would be using and if we wanted pictures taken by a group called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. It was so overwhelming. We had no idea what we would do. We knew what we wanted and that was for Sophia to still be with us. Finally, Tyler thought of the Funeral Home close to our house. The Nurse contacted them. We decided that pictures might be a good thing to have, even if it takes us years to be ready to see them. The Nurse contacted the group. Things moved along...
The induction meds started to work pretty much right away. Even though I wasn't dilating very much, the contractions started. Tyler's parents got to the room just a bit after my IV had started. It was hard seeing them, and I know they didn't like seeing me like I was. I was contracting about every 3 minutes or so. I went on feeling them for about 3 hours. As they got closer together and more painful, I asked for the epidural. At that time, the in-laws left to go to our house to get things for us. We obviously were not prepared for labor at all. I had the epidural done at 9pm. It wasn't bad, about the same as a Lovenox shot. At this point, I had decided to feel as little as I could. I wanted some things to remain unknown in case I have a next time. I had to have 2 more boosts of the epi meds to get it to take away all the feeling it needed to. Those boosts just so happened to make me vomit, too. Fun, fun.
At about midnight, I got the second dose of induction meds. I started to get a very high fever and tried to sleep some. My parents got in about 40 minutes later. Talk about hard. They felt so bad for us and it hurt to see them in so much pain. At this point, the only thing I had to eat that day was chocolate cheerios and a chocolate donut. We were going to go to lunch after the appointment, but never made it. Because I couldn't have food, I was making due on popsicles. Not too much later, at about 2am, I felt pressure and knew things were close. The Nurse checked me and told us it was time.
I had our parents leave the room and Tyler moved in to be with me. As the Doctor prepared, Tyler held me as much as he could and I cried my heart out as I delivered our little girl. Afterward, they put her in my arms and I just stared at her for the longest time, holding her close. She truly looked like us. She was beautiful. She had dark eyebrows and a little button nose. The tiniest eyelashes and little lips and chin. I was shivering so much from the epi meds, I had been all night, and I was so worried of hurting her. Irrational, but I wanted to keep her safe.
After a long while, our parents came in and we told them her name. I couldn't give her up for others to hold. I was so afraid to lose her. As time went by, they said goodbye and then Tyler held her. This will always be one of my most cherished memories. He was such the father in that instant. When we were ready, we both said goodbye. I kissed my fingers and touched her forehead, told her we would always love her and said goodbye.
I was released midday. The drive home was so incredibly hard, knowing we were leaving her behind. Coming into our house, we realized someone had cleared everything away for us and it was hard to see, but I was a mess either way. We both were. After completely turning into a puddle, Tyler put me to bed and I slept for a long time. Sometimes I still feel like I am sleeping and just in a bad dream... if only that were true.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
It is so hard to not feel like a failure in all of this. I was supposed to be able to keep her safe and I did for so long. I just don't understand what happened. We were so close this time. So close.
Monday, April 12, 2010
After the passing of Sophia, we have been flooded with support and love. Dozens of cards have come to our home. Beautiful flowers sit on our table and our FB and email accounts have dozens of well wishes by family and friends. I, well both of us, have been completely overwhelmed by the amount of people showing us they care for us and our baby girl.
Over the past week, I opened one card in particular from a very special group of people. They are a group of ladies who have dealt with or are still dealing with Infertility that wanted to support Tyler and I in anyway they could through this loss. When I opened that card, I found that dozens of women had donated 29 trees to the Arbor Day Foundation in memory of Sophia's 28 weeks of life and 1 to know that she will always be in our hearts. They also ordered personalized charms for Tyler and I and sent money so I could get a special piece of mother's jewelry to always have Sophia with me. We were beyond words to see such generosity from a group that I have never met in person. These ladies are invaluable to me and I love them dearly.
Thank you to everyone from the bottom of our hearts. We are very blessed to have family and friends that we can count on.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
In the early hours of April 3rd, I delivered our baby girl, Sophia Marie. She was a tiny, beautiful little girl who was the perfect mix of the two of us. My heart swelled and broke in the same instant. I have never, we have never, been through a harder experience in our life.
Our family, friends and colleagues have been here for us throughout. It seems like years since Saturday, and yet it has only been days. I am in a fog, trying to make sense of what has happened, only to realize too well that we may never know.
I miss my baby. I miss Sophia with everything I have. She was my, is my, darling little girl who had a whole, full life waiting for her. She had her Daddy wrapped around her tiny finger from day 1. She had me fawning over her every movement. I honestly don't know how I will ever recover from losing my precious little girl. Somehow I need to find peace and I hope it comes to me one day.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Baby's lungs are going through some major developments these days, which (combined with the opening of previously plugged nostrils) means he's now able to practice inhaling and exhaling. The lack of air in your womb means every "breath" is filled with amniotic fluid, but hey -- it's progress.
Today is the day! Third Tri, baby! I am so excited to be able to say that. We had our first prenatal class over the weekend. It was Labor Anesthesia and everything went well. I got to ask my questions about any complications with the Lovenox I was on and if my high blood pressure would need any special care during the epidural. I feel good about things now. We start our Prepared Childbirth classes in April with a slew of others to follow. Things are moving right along and everything seems good. Get to see Dr. S on Thursday for my 2 week appointment. I haven't felt my blood pressure rocket lately, which is a good sign. Still can't believe I can say third tri :)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Tyler put up the fan today and it looks great. I swear I stand in that room and just stare. It is amazing to literally see a dream coming true. I love my Hubby so much for everything he has done. (you too, Wayne!) Here's the bedding:
Friday, March 19, 2010
Baby's soaking up your antibodies, getting her immune system ready for life outside the womb. Eyes are forming, and she'll soon be practicing the blink...perfect for batting those freshly grown lashes.
Not much is new this week. Some m/s...the usual, but doing really well. Excited for March Madness and only one more week until Spring Break! Yay!!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
This week has been much better. The BP meds have helped out and on Wednesday I was moved from every week appointments to every 2 weeks, which I am thankful for. It was ISAT week at school, so that kept me busy and I was able to stay seated most of the time. Things are looking up and I am getting so excited about meeting our little girl. On Saturday, it will be 100 days to go!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Baby's skin is becoming more opaque as the fat starts to pack on. And, thanks to the formation of small capillaries, her newly thick skin is taking on a fresh pink glow.
This past week has been one for the books. Last Tuesday, I started to notice swelling when I came home from school. No biggie.... it happens. Wednesday morning was alright, but during the day, I just didn't feel right. Went home very swollen and it did not go away over night. Thursday morning, I got to school still swollen and thought I should have my blood pressure checked. Sure enough, it was extremely high... when it should be at its lowest. I was scared and I knew what could be coming. I had a headache and it just was adding up to too many bad things. I called the Dr. and a few back-n-forths later, I was squeezed in during the afternoon. BP was still high. They took my blood and found out that not only did I have high bp, but my potassium was way low... which can lead to heart problems. Great!
Dr. S was very good about the whole thing. He knew my concerns and made me feel like we would be ok. Pre-eclampsia was mentioned, more than once, and bed rest was as well. I know what I could be facing and it terrifies me, but I feel like I am in good hands. Baby Girl made it to viability this week, which makes me feel better. I go back in Thursday to talk to Dr. S to see where we go from here.
Dr. Tyler (my DH) has been faithfully taking my bp a few times a day (it is still high) and reminds me to take my bp meds and potassium. God love him, because this pregnant gal can't remember much of anything.
I could use your thoughts and prayers if you can spare them. We will know more this week. Hoping for the best!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Feeling great! Tyler felt Baby Girl last week (Feb. 12th at 21w3d) and she has been non-stop for most of the time since. She seems to get shy when he tries to feel her kicking away, but we keep trying.
I first knew I was feeling her back on January 31st and it is just so amazing! Loving every minute of it, except when she plays jumping bean on my bladder :) Then I just have to find a bathroom. :)
Here I am:
Monday, February 8, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Baby gulps down several ounces of amniotic fluid every day, both for nutrition and to practice swallowing and digesting. And, these days, those taste buds actually work! Studies show that after birth, babies respond best to tastes they've already had via amniotic fluid. Meaning, think about what you'd like your future child to eat as you prepare your own lunch.
Monday, January 25, 2010
And here I am:
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Friday at lunch in the Teacher's Lounge, the Pepsi man was asking us if we would like Sierra Mist in the machine and what we would like to get rid of. We said the Diet Pepsi Caffeine wasn't used much and would like the Sierra Mist better.
Holier than Art Thou Nurse W happened to be in the room and say that she drinks that and let everyone know that she intended to get rid of all caffeine in the soda machine. She said caffeine was horrible, especially for pregnant women. One of our subs, who is a retired teacher that I love, happened to be in the room and asked me if I was drinking caffeine, joking around. I had a sweet tea with extra ice from McDonald's, so I said yes.
The Nurse then proceeded to tell me how bad it was for me, and asked if I even had a Doctor. I said my Doctor said it was fine and I was not going to sit here and be judged for having some tea.
She left and came back about 5 minutes later with pages printed out from the Internet and told me I should read through them. I obviously didn't have my information correct and perhaps I should be more honest with my Doctor. I then informed her that I was under the care of an OB who happened to be a High-risk specialist and was under the care of an RE before that who were fine with some caffeine. She told me I should bring these sheets in to the Dr. to make sure they knew the problems with caffeine. I told her, NO, I would not be doing that and turned away from her.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Everything else in the Anatomy scan looked really good. 10 fingers and 10 toes. Things are going well and we are just about halfway there. Had to believe this is going so fast!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Watch what you say...tiny bones forming in baby's ears mean she can now pick up your voice. A few more minuscule changes: Eyebrows, lashes, and hair are starting to fill in, and taste buds are forming.
This week was our first meeting with our OB. He is wonderful. We were a bit worried about how comfortable we would be with a new Dr. after being so close to Dr. J, but Dr. S seems to be a good fit. We listened to Petri's hb and all was good. I talked to Dr. S about my concerns with pre-eclampsia and my Mom's history and he was glad I let him know, but reassured me that it does not mean that I will have a preemie or that I will be in danger. Before I did bring that up, he did say that we would see him more often because of being an IVF pregnancy. We were both ok with that and welcomed the hand-holding ;)
I was starting to feel more confident about this turning out well until today, when 2 people in my IF/pregnant community lost their babies. I am so sad for their losses and so don't know how to feel. This is such a delicate process and it makes you realize how insensitive life can be.