Monday, April 19, 2010

No answers...just more questions.

Today has been hard. Really hard. Today we went to the Clinic to see my OB for the first time since Sophia's death. As I checked in, I kept my head down and tried to avert my eyes as much as possible. The looming possibility of large, pregnant bellies was just too much. The feel of the waiting room was all wrong. I let the receptionist know that we were supposed to be called in right away and Tyler and I sat in different chairs than we usually did. It was tense and uncomfortable, but we were called back shortly after arriving. The room we were put into showed pictures of children Dr. S had delivered. I couldn't help but think of my little girl. I feel so empty when I am in those types of moments. I think about what I had been just 2 1/2 weeks ago and it is so heartbreaking.

Dr. S came in and asked how we were doing. That is such a hard question to answer. Yes, I am breathing. Yes, I am functioning. Yes, I am most likely putting up a huge wall and faking it until I can make it on my own. I look ok. I get out of bed. I shower, but God, I am so incredibly empty. I cannot even begin to explain the pain that is in my heart. I will never be able to put into words what that is like. Back to the appt... It comes down to this: Sophie was fine. She was small for her age, but there is nothing jumping out as to what happened to her. My baby girl gave it her all and just couldn't keep up. Dr. S thinks it has to do with my hypertension, but that only started at 24 weeks and doesn't really explain why Sophie stopped growing. That is a hard bite to swallow. She should have made it.

My levels on the other hand, did not do so well. There are some things going on with my blood coagulating and my ANA (I think) levels came back abnormal, which can be an indicator of Lupus. I go back in June to meet with a specialist to be retested. At the end of the appointment, as my Zoloft was upped, Dr. S checked my blood pressure to find that it is still really high, higher than it was all pregnancy. That isn't good. He doesn't know why it is so high and I know it is really scaring Tyler. I feel so numb about it all. I don't have my little one to worry about and I just don't worry about me. I don't feel the need to. My meds are upped, again, and now I have to go back next week instead of the middle of May. I think it was the presence of intense headaches that really put Dr. S on alert. They are bad and won't go away. I just want to start to feel ok. Please.


Lindsey said...

Im so sorry! I hope that you start to feel better soon and those headaches go away/ your BP decreases. Hang in there you are in my thought and prayers.

LilBear said...

So sorry to hear that there was no clear cut answer about why you lost Sophia. I know you were really hoping for that. I hope you can get to the bottom of your headaches and are feeling better soon.

magdalina said...

My ANA results came back positive too. I have to see a specialist on May 3rd to get even more blood drawn. It sucks that there isn't an answer, but personally it gives me hope that losing Aidan was just a fluke. I hope your bp goes down quickly.

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog on Your story sounds just like my sister's. I cried as I read it, it brings such pain to my heart. I'm sorry to hear of your loss, being the mother of an angel baby too, I know the pain you feel. But the point of my post is my sister's results were a mess like yours (at 1st they thought she lost her baby for high BP too) and she has prothombin gene mutation. Please make sure you are checked for this.