Friday, April 16, 2010

Sophia's Story

2 weeks ago today, at 28 weeks 4 days, I realized that I had not been feeling our little Petri like I had been. She was known for her Olympic-like gymnastics and I just wasn't feeling it. The books say that movement slows down around the 28th week as the baby gets bigger. I figured, alright, no biggie. She is just asleep when I am awake. I had a big weekend planned. Tyler was turning 30 and I had a surprise party all planned for him. I thought maybe I should call into the Nurse and check in just to make sure things were OK before the weekend hit.

It was the week of Spring Break and it had been gorgeous most of the week. The Nursery had new carpet put in that Monday and the crib was all set and decorated. The room was stunning. Tyler had been taking half-days to be with me and everything was going so well. I called into the Nurse and described what was going on and she decided to have me come in at 1:00 that afternoon to make sure of the heartbeat and check things out.

I was feeling anxious, but nothing too bad. I had not had any bad symptoms. No spotting, no pain...just being pregnant in the third tri. Tyler was nervous. I could see it in his face, but I tried to reassure him. When we got to the Doctor's office, the Nurse brought us back and tried to find Petri's heartbeat. She was having a hard time. Petri had been stubborn before, so I tried not to panic. Another Nurse came in and tried to find the heartbeat. This Nurse had been the one to normally check me in, and she had no luck. At that moment, I started to cry. The ladies went to get the Doctor on call because mine was out of town and they brought in the portable sono. It was so surreal as I lifted my shirt and felt the jelly being rubbed around my pregnant tummy. The Doctor looked at me in that instant, after studying the screen, and said that she was so sorry to have to tell us this, but our baby had died. There was no heartbeat.

Panic, shock, denial.... so much rushed through my head at the same time. I completely broke as Tyler came to my side and held me..knowing our dream was crushed in one second. As quickly as the denial came, I realized that I would have to deliver my daughter who had already passed. The Doctor told us our options as I struggled to focus on anything. I looked into Tyler's eyes and saw what I was feeling, utter devastation. We decided that I needed to deliver as soon as I could. I couldn't be in limbo.

We were brought down to the real sono department so they could take measurements and found out our precious Sophia was only measuring at 24 weeks. Something had happened at some point to stop her growth or slow it. That was quite a blow to take. After the sono, we were told to head to Labor and Delivery. When we got there, they didn't really know what to do with us. They asked us something, I don't remember what, and I told them I was there to deliver my baby. She had died. I didn't say it nicely, and it wasn't my best moment, but it sure got people moving. We were brought to a Birthing Suite and hit in the face with the infant warmer and all the niceties you want to see in the Suite you will have your baby in, but would be so bitter to see if your child was not coming to the world alive. This was about 3 in the afternoon. The Nurse left us alone for a long time. We had asked for some time to let things sink in and to get a hold of our families. Our parents never make it easy, but we finally talked to everyone. In an instant, parents were coming from out of town, and out of state.

At some point, the people from the lab came in and took anywhere from 20-25 vials of blood from me. I just sat there, with what I am sure was a very glazed over look on my face. Tyler held my hand as that finished and had to verify the name labels. It was then about 6pm. At that point, I changed into the hospital gown and sat in the bed. We decided to get the IV hooked up and start inducing. At some point, they asked us about what funeral home we would be using and if we wanted pictures taken by a group called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. It was so overwhelming. We had no idea what we would do. We knew what we wanted and that was for Sophia to still be with us. Finally, Tyler thought of the Funeral Home close to our house. The Nurse contacted them. We decided that pictures might be a good thing to have, even if it takes us years to be ready to see them. The Nurse contacted the group. Things moved along...

The induction meds started to work pretty much right away. Even though I wasn't dilating very much, the contractions started. Tyler's parents got to the room just a bit after my IV had started. It was hard seeing them, and I know they didn't like seeing me like I was. I was contracting about every 3 minutes or so. I went on feeling them for about 3 hours. As they got closer together and more painful, I asked for the epidural. At that time, the in-laws left to go to our house to get things for us. We obviously were not prepared for labor at all. I had the epidural done at 9pm. It wasn't bad, about the same as a Lovenox shot. At this point, I had decided to feel as little as I could. I wanted some things to remain unknown in case I have a next time. I had to have 2 more boosts of the epi meds to get it to take away all the feeling it needed to. Those boosts just so happened to make me vomit, too. Fun, fun.

At about midnight, I got the second dose of induction meds. I started to get a very high fever and tried to sleep some. My parents got in about 40 minutes later. Talk about hard. They felt so bad for us and it hurt to see them in so much pain. At this point, the only thing I had to eat that day was chocolate cheerios and a chocolate donut. We were going to go to lunch after the appointment, but never made it. Because I couldn't have food, I was making due on popsicles. Not too much later, at about 2am, I felt pressure and knew things were close. The Nurse checked me and told us it was time.

I had our parents leave the room and Tyler moved in to be with me. As the Doctor prepared, Tyler held me as much as he could and I cried my heart out as I delivered our little girl. Afterward, they put her in my arms and I just stared at her for the longest time, holding her close. She truly looked like us. She was beautiful. She had dark eyebrows and a little button nose. The tiniest eyelashes and little lips and chin. I was shivering so much from the epi meds, I had been all night, and I was so worried of hurting her. Irrational, but I wanted to keep her safe.

After a long while, our parents came in and we told them her name. I couldn't give her up for others to hold. I was so afraid to lose her. As time went by, they said goodbye and then Tyler held her. This will always be one of my most cherished memories. He was such the father in that instant. When we were ready, we both said goodbye. I kissed my fingers and touched her forehead, told her we would always love her and said goodbye.

I was released midday. The drive home was so incredibly hard, knowing we were leaving her behind. Coming into our house, we realized someone had cleared everything away for us and it was hard to see, but I was a mess either way. We both were. After completely turning into a puddle, Tyler put me to bed and I slept for a long time. Sometimes I still feel like I am sleeping and just in a bad dream... if only that were true.

21 comments:

magdalina said...

Thank you for sharing your story.

Britt said...

Thank you so much for sharing Sophia's story! I am so sorry for your loss and am saying a prayer for you today.

Flutterby918 said...

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story of Sophia. Sending so many (((HUGS)) and healing prayers your way.

Kristin said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.

kim said...

I am sitting here in tears, praying for peace for you. Thank you for sharing Sophia's story. HUGS.

cgd said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my little boy early last week at 15 weeks after my battle with IF. My heart breaks for you, your husband, and baby Sophia.
Thinking of you.
Carrie

Katie said...

What a horrible and beautiful story all at once. It's horrible because this something NO mother should ever have to endure, but beautiful because the love and peace you feel for your daughter just shines through in your writing.

Thinking of you and your family, especially Sophia.

Kate said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Wishing you peace and strength.

Marie W said...

From LFCA. My heart hurts for you and Tyler. Keeping you both in thought.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you.

Remembering Sophia and sending you love and light.

Molly said...

Im so sorry... We were waiting for our Sydney for long 8 years before she was born...
Hugs
Molly

Mollie said...

Thank you for sharing your birth story. Sophia sounds beautiful.

justine said...

I am so sorry for you and Tyler. Reading your story makes my heart hurt, but I'm so glad that you've posted it. *hugs* to you both.

ifcrossroads said...

Hi, I'm here from LFCA. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss and for the horrific pain you and your DH have had to endure. Sophia sounds beautiful.

Anonymous said...

From LFCA too and I just wanted to say how very, very sorry I am for you and your family for your loss of Sophia (such a beautiful name). It is awful that beautiful, much wanted and cherished babies have to die. My thoughts and prayers go to all of you.

Nancy

Thalia said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.

mylifeastina said...

You and your family are in my prayers. I am sorry you have to go through this. Sophia is a beautiful girl that will dance in the clouds with God and watch over her parents. Keep your head up and Im here if you need anything.

myskytimes said...

Thanks for sharing Sophia's story with us. I am so sorry she can't be with you... I'll light Sky's candle for her tonight. Keeping you in my thoughts and sending a virtual hug!

Delenn said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. Sophia's story.

lisa said...

i am so incredibly sorry for your loss. i was incredibly moved by your birth story. i truly wish it was just a bad dream you could wake up from.

Rachel said...

I am so sorry, my heart is so broken for you.