Thursday, July 29, 2010

The struggle - beware of strong language.

I have been thinking quite a bit lately and this struck me. Growing up, I never imagined any troubles getting pregnant. I am the oldest of 5 from someone who is the 3rd youngest of's in my genes, right? Yah not so much. So the struggle started. The struggle to GET pregnant. Basically this took all of the joy out of trying to start a family. I never knew what the next home test would bring. We never got a positive except for the last time. After 30 months of negatives, hundreds of shots, thousands of pills, surgery, and 5 IVFs.... it finally happened. I got pregnant.

Then we were joyous about being pregnant. I puked every day. No biggie. Puke and go on...I hadn't been, we hadn't been that happy in more than 2 years. We were finally going to be parents. I felt good. I looked good. I was good. And then 24 weeks hit. My anxiety had started to rise leading up to this point, knowing that 24 meant viability... she would have a shot at survival if she came early. I knew pre-eclampsia was a definite possibility, even though my OB didn't seem too concerned. One morning I just felt off. It was 24w3days. My bp was through the roof compared to its normal numbers. Went to the OB that day, took the next day off, and I rested then taking bp meds to lower my numbers. I was swelled up a bit but the tests came back as nothing about the normal range. Phew!

Phew my ass. Seriously? I had developed pre-eclampsia. The single most thing I was terrified of. It almost killed my Mom and my sister...multiple times. My Docs missed it. I should have known. Damnit, I should have known. 4 weeks later it was over. She had stopped growing during that first episode and things went downhill from there. Viability is a bunch of BS. It doesn't really matter if they never have a shot at the outside world. 

Today I am just so pissed off at the whole thing. I don't deserve this and Tyler surely doesn't. I was so god damn happy being pregnant. I didn't complain. I took everything in stride. And now that joy is gone. I will never be the happy pregnant woman again. I will be a neurotic mess. Constant anxiety and fear. One more thing that is normal for billions but never for me. 

Never take what you have for granted. Those "annoying" kids you have are true miracles. Those children "you just want to trade in" are what other people are crushed over losing. I am so sick of losing the joy in my life, and while each day I try to make it a good day, the fact still remains. 

And some will say that I need to see a counselor. I have. It helps for the hour I am there until I realize that she doesn't really know what to say. She has never lost a child. So many who tell me what I should do have never lost a child. You can't describe what you go through, you just have to know. And while I appreciate the words of the counselor, I just need to work through it as things come. 

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Some happy words would be nice. No sorries please. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I am just in pain. I don't want to be pitied, too.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

FB Status Today

She would have been a month old today. Feeling the need to talk about her. Realizing that I am stronger than I think and losing Sophia does not have to define who I am. I will never stop missing her, but I can live better for her.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

To keep me busy...

I have been posting over on my original blog about our Summer meals and my quest for home greatness. Pop on over if you like!

Remnants of Me

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Had nuclear meltdown last night

Tyler had some business up in Chicago yesterday, so I drove separate and went shopping for the day. My allergies were really bad and I was too stubborn to stop and pick up some Claritin, so it put me in a foul mood. ... not to mention bad drivers all around. 

On our way back, Tyler was with me and wanted to take 355, which is a toll road. I had not planned on going through tolls, so I didn't have any true money in the car. Needless to say, I now owe Chicago some money. After I had to tell the toll man I was 50cents short, I started to just sob while driving. I pulled off at the next ramp to get gas and let Tyler take over the reigns. 

I cried all 2.5 hours home. He didn't know what to do. When it comes down to it, I feel like I am a failure. I failed hardcore at motherhood.  I think it just hit so hard how absolutely pathetic our situation is. Who loses a child in the 28th week? Who lets that happen? Me. I am that one and it kills me to know that my body was the reason. I usually don't let these thoughts in but they dug in deep last night. I feel so much guilt. So much failure. After failed IVFs, I never thought I could get lower.... man was I wrong. 

I know I am healing, but some days are just way worse than others. After a good day of shopping, ok, mostly browsing, I was just so weak and vulnerable. I hate that I break down like that, but to be honest, it is only one of very little that I have let happen. I feel like that is one thing I can control, when so much else has been out of control. I am feeling better this morning, but I just wish I had my baby girl sleeping next to me.