Thursday, July 29, 2010

The struggle - beware of strong language.

I have been thinking quite a bit lately and this struck me. Growing up, I never imagined any troubles getting pregnant. I am the oldest of 5 from someone who is the 3rd youngest of's in my genes, right? Yah not so much. So the struggle started. The struggle to GET pregnant. Basically this took all of the joy out of trying to start a family. I never knew what the next home test would bring. We never got a positive except for the last time. After 30 months of negatives, hundreds of shots, thousands of pills, surgery, and 5 IVFs.... it finally happened. I got pregnant.

Then we were joyous about being pregnant. I puked every day. No biggie. Puke and go on...I hadn't been, we hadn't been that happy in more than 2 years. We were finally going to be parents. I felt good. I looked good. I was good. And then 24 weeks hit. My anxiety had started to rise leading up to this point, knowing that 24 meant viability... she would have a shot at survival if she came early. I knew pre-eclampsia was a definite possibility, even though my OB didn't seem too concerned. One morning I just felt off. It was 24w3days. My bp was through the roof compared to its normal numbers. Went to the OB that day, took the next day off, and I rested then taking bp meds to lower my numbers. I was swelled up a bit but the tests came back as nothing about the normal range. Phew!

Phew my ass. Seriously? I had developed pre-eclampsia. The single most thing I was terrified of. It almost killed my Mom and my sister...multiple times. My Docs missed it. I should have known. Damnit, I should have known. 4 weeks later it was over. She had stopped growing during that first episode and things went downhill from there. Viability is a bunch of BS. It doesn't really matter if they never have a shot at the outside world. 

Today I am just so pissed off at the whole thing. I don't deserve this and Tyler surely doesn't. I was so god damn happy being pregnant. I didn't complain. I took everything in stride. And now that joy is gone. I will never be the happy pregnant woman again. I will be a neurotic mess. Constant anxiety and fear. One more thing that is normal for billions but never for me. 

Never take what you have for granted. Those "annoying" kids you have are true miracles. Those children "you just want to trade in" are what other people are crushed over losing. I am so sick of losing the joy in my life, and while each day I try to make it a good day, the fact still remains. 

And some will say that I need to see a counselor. I have. It helps for the hour I am there until I realize that she doesn't really know what to say. She has never lost a child. So many who tell me what I should do have never lost a child. You can't describe what you go through, you just have to know. And while I appreciate the words of the counselor, I just need to work through it as things come. 

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Some happy words would be nice. No sorries please. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I am just in pain. I don't want to be pitied, too.


cjdubs13 said...

Sending you lots of happy and positive thoughts and well wishes.

cgd said...

I will not feel sorry for you, but will tell you that I have felt pain like yours. We are still trying to recover from losing our baby boy at 15 wks in April. My pregnancy with him came after 4 failed IVF cycles. I have no idea why any of this has to happen.
Sending love your way.

married071709 said...

Positive thoughts and prayers coming your way. Hoping and praying for your heart to heal. You have been through a lot and you are a strong woman even though it may not always feel like it.

Mellow said...

I understand where you are coming from. No one can possibly understand unless they have been there. There are no words, and the days come and go that you feel angry and just want to go back and make it all okay. I fight that daily, it's pure torture when the thoughts that pop into our minds are those that will haunt us forever. We lost our baby boy when he was 8 days old, and it wasn't fair. I just experienced seeing his name on a marker over his grave this past week. Nothing in life can prepare us for something like this... I pray you are able to experience being a mother of another baby someday soon, it is a wonderful thing, and I will never take it for granted.

Brittany said...

Screw counseling, try kickboxing. :)

(Not trying to be insensitive, just hoping you might crack a smile.)

Sending my love....

Lara + Chris said...

Hugs hugs hugs hugs. I love you and I have felt every single emotion that you talk about here. I can't say anything other than "I understand." xoxo