Tyler had some business up in Chicago yesterday, so I drove separate and went shopping for the day. My allergies were really bad and I was too stubborn to stop and pick up some Claritin, so it put me in a foul mood. ... not to mention bad drivers all around.
On our way back, Tyler was with me and wanted to take 355, which is a toll road. I had not planned on going through tolls, so I didn't have any true money in the car. Needless to say, I now owe Chicago some money. After I had to tell the toll man I was 50cents short, I started to just sob while driving. I pulled off at the next ramp to get gas and let Tyler take over the reigns.
I cried all 2.5 hours home. He didn't know what to do. When it comes down to it, I feel like I am a failure. I failed hardcore at motherhood. I think it just hit so hard how absolutely pathetic our situation is. Who loses a child in the 28th week? Who lets that happen? Me. I am that one and it kills me to know that my body was the reason. I usually don't let these thoughts in but they dug in deep last night. I feel so much guilt. So much failure. After failed IVFs, I never thought I could get lower.... man was I wrong.
I know I am healing, but some days are just way worse than others. After a good day of shopping, ok, mostly browsing, I was just so weak and vulnerable. I hate that I break down like that, but to be honest, it is only one of very little that I have let happen. I feel like that is one thing I can control, when so much else has been out of control. I am feeling better this morning, but I just wish I had my baby girl sleeping next to me.