Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I can't believe this is happening... again.

I don't know why the odds are stacked against us like they are. Our Docs brag upon high on how wonderful our embryos are and then when I get them back.... I kill them. This is how I think of it and I know it kills DH. I feel so much guilt. I have a hard time looking DH in the eye and knowing that I am responsible for him not being a Daddy this Christmas. You can say that things happen... but it is Science... I do teach that afterall. My body rejects the embryos, as good as they can be.... I won't accept them. What does that mean? Why?

I have to walk down my halls and see my little kids getting knocked up by other little kids and then pawning the babies off to Grandma. I hate this. I hate my reality right now that so many of my students, jr high kids, will be parents before I will get a chance.

My Mom and Dad had 5 kids and then quit. It was always believed I would be just as fertile, but the truth is, I can't make them the Grandparents that they are dying to be.

My heart hurts so much to know this. We can sugar coat anything, but this is reality. Let's face it.... 2008 has pretty much blown. We had such high hopes of being pregnant after starting treatments in the early spring and now we are at the end with nothing to show by a body drilled with shots, broken, and an empty bank account.

I know I am blessed to have a family that is as supportive as they are and a husband who cannot be described in words.... they wouldn't do him justice... but I just feel awful for what I cannot give them.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Bad News

Beta came back negative. My body was playing tricks on me and I am heartbroken..... again. Strangely the emotions are not as outward. I am pushing it down, not intentionally, but I know where they are going. Put on my game face. Story of my life.

You would think I would have some good news at some point. It doesn't seem to be in the cards. Part of me wants to hang this up and get on with life. I have lost a lot of myself during the past 2 years. I don't feel the same. I don't feel like myself. I just want to feel like I have accomplished something. I have too many failures under my belt.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Ignorance is Bliss

I am a chicken shit. Truly. I know I could test right now and have a good idea if this worked or not, but I am scared beyond words. I am going to wait until Tuesday and find out with the blood test. Here are the facts:

Beta is Tuesday
Right now I have:
-Sore ta-tas (probably from the progesterone)
-Metallic taste in mouth (known as an early pregnancy sign)
-dizziness
-fatigue
-nausea at time
-pains in lower abdomen (twinges, slight pulls)

So honestly, it could go both ways. Anyone dealing with IF knows that the drugs you are on during the 2ww can make these symptoms just as easy as actually being preggo. I want this Christmas wish so badly, but I know it could possibly not happen. My family and friends have no idea when I am testing so I won't have all the pressure this time.

Still keeping my fingers crossed.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Took the long way home

This week has been a test, that I am sure.

Tuesday after we got the fert report, things were going OK. I was pleasantly hopped up on some Darvocet and not feeling too bad. I got a call around 4:30 and it was my NP saying that we would be doing a 3 day transfer at 10:45 et on Thursday. I was upset because I thought it would be a 5 day with 7 embies doing well. My sister was on the other line and I got back to her and I was just crushed. So sad. My grandpa's funeral was at 9am ct and the hospital was 3 hours away. I would miss burying my Grandpa.

The next morning I took Tyler into the car shop to drop off the Jeep (yes it broke this week too) and as we got to his work, we got a phone call. I look down and see it is from the Lab. She tells me that we are ready for a 5 day transfer. All I could say was what?! I had already called my boss switching plans for being off and told my family I wouldn't make it to the funeral and now it was being switched?! It was bittersweet, and I was way confused. I told the lab director that the office had called me yesterday with Day 3 info. She said they shouldn't have called at all. They had to schedule it just in case, because it woule be too late the day before, but they are supposed to wait to call me. The lab director then said that I would get a call Thursday with the time.

I asked her if she could tell me how my embies were doing, and she said all 7 were progressing with little to no fragmentation and only one was behind, and just by one cell. She said they were doing very good. We were so happy to hear that.

The rest of that day I spent being careful with my belly and ovaries, and packed for the visitation and funeral. We left early afternoon and made the long trip to my birthplace. The visitation was so hard. It was nice to see everyone but so sad in such circumstances.

Thursday morning we buried my Grandfather and had a wonderful luncheon put on by the women of the parish. We then gathered at my Grandma's and spent time with each other. My mom was thrilled to be around me, even with why it was that we were together. Later that afternoon I realized that no one had called to tell me when the transfer would be. I called the office but was not allowed to talk to anyone due to an inept receptionist that had no idea what IVF was.... yah, just what I wanted to deal with.

Friday morning on my way back to work, I called and got ahold of my preferred NP and she had no idea that I was doing a 5 day transfer. I do most of my appointments at the contracted practice, so communication is not always the best between the main practice and mine. This was a perfect example. Nurse M called over to the lab and figured it all out and called me back. Through 3 voice mails, I learned that my tranfer had changed times twice and a different Dr would be doing the transfer.

Just one more thing not going right this week. Saturday we got to the hospital nice and early and had a pretty uneventful time. The woman in front of me had 43 eggs, so we were waiting for awhile for her to be completed. I felt sorry for the poor thing, knowing how sore she would be. My transfer went well. The new DR was cocky and confident, and I didn't mind it. Our blasts looked great in our pic and we could see what would hatch, what woud be the placenta and where the embryo was. Kind of crazy to see first hand.

The ride home was a mess. We had an ice storm move in, in the time we were in the hospital. 2 1/2 long hours later we were home safe and sound. Tyler was as frazzled as they get, but the proud Hubby got his famiy home and into bed.

I have been resting ever since. My brother and his wife came over last night to make us spaghetti and meatballs (divine!) and I just tried to lay as much as possible. Good things are happening now, I just need my angel to help me out on this one. Love you Grandpa.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Fert Report

Got the call bright and early this morning.
Here are the numbers:

13 eggs retrieved - down from last time

11 eggs mature - same as last time, but a higher percentage

7 eggs fertilized - more than last time :)


We have 7 embryos fighting to grow big and strong. I will find out later today if it will be a 3 day or 5 day transfer. Keep your fingers crossed for the 5 day.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

My Grandpa Passed Away Last Night

I just need to write to get it all out. I have been a mess as it is. Yesterday we got a call from my Mom, just checking in. She didn't talk a lot, but she finally let me know that her Dad had pnuemonia bad, but they were hoping it wouldn't be bad. We got off the phone and Ty and I went to get our Christmas tree. We got all of our lights up and the tree all decorated. Then last night we got a call from my brother. He talked to my DH and they were very hushed and stayed away from me. Tyler came back out and was very quiet. I thought they were talking about presents. He paused Tivo and told me that they didn't know if my Grandpa would make it through the night. Tyler wasn't suposed to tell me because my Mom didn't want me to be upset more than I had to be. T couldn't keep it from me.

I called my Mom right away and found out that she couldn't tell me. She is worried sick that I would cancel the procedure and not go through. She wanted me to not know before we were on our way to the ER. I told her she had to promise me that she would call when it happened. She did. I got the call I was dreading at 11pm.

My Grandpa was such a strong man for so long. He was a man's man. Very masculine and gruff. I was scared of him as a child, but loved him just the same. He had been in a nursing home for some time now with leg/circulation problems and his life had diminished greatly. I know he did not want to live like he was. I am so sad for my family but grateful that he won't suffer anymore.

Tomorrow we do the ER. I pray that this will be the good news we need. I need something to go right. I need someone watching over us, and I hope my Grandpa will be there. I now have 2 grandfathers in Heaven and I pray they take care of each other and me. Love you.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Day 7 Stim Check

It has been one week of Bravelle/Menopur and we are ready for the big show. I have 14 follies on the right side and 12 on the left and they are still growing. Estradiol is 1817. We are looking at a trigger tomorrow night and ER on Monday. Off we go....

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Day 5 stim check

Today I found out that I have 24 follies, 12 on each side. I have 13 measurable and we are off to a great start. I have an appointment again Friday morning to see where we stand. Later on I got the call from my Nurse that my estradiol is 750 and Dr. J is happy with my progress.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Stim, Stim, Stim, Stim, Stim, Stim to Doo

Bravelle and Menopur are officially surging through my body. I could actually feel my ovaries twinging yesterday. It is crazy. Emotions are running high.

I went in for an appointment Wednesday to ask my Doc a few questions and I am confident in our chances. I was starting to worry about a 5 day transfer.... losing them all before I could get them back, and we added the Menopur into our injection schedule.

First stim check is Wednesday. Keep your fingers crossed :)

Sunday, November 16, 2008

A new look

Well tonight I had a near meltdown when I changed the look of my blog. I saved the template, and when I switched over and reloaded the template, I had lost all of my information. I was beyond upset. Dear hubby came to the rescue and got me back in shape. The purpose of this blog has always been so I have a detailed account of what has happened during our journey to Baby Ru.

So now I have a new look and I feel a whole lot better than I did 30 minutes ago. Starting stims at the end of this week. Keeping those fingers crossed...

Monday, November 10, 2008

Game On!

With all signs looking down, today turned out to not be such a bad day. I went in for my early AM appt only to see the cyst still there on my left ovary. I cried during the sono out of frustration thought it would be a pretty slim chance seeing stims this month. I had my blood taken and off I went, down as ever.

This afternoon I called back in for my results. I found out my estradiol went from 466 last Monday down to 44 today. I was so grateful. So even though I missed this weeks stim cycle, I start stims the 2oth with an ER the first week of December. We will see what happens next...

Monday, November 3, 2008

And there it is.... a cyst

I have a cyst on my left ovary. I guess it isn't a true cyst. It is a bit smaller than what is considered a cyst, but it is producing enormous amounts of Estradiol. My estradiol level is 466 and they want it to be under 50, so yah......

Now I have to go back on the pill for a week, taking the pill 3 times a day and I get rechecked on Monday. I am not sure what this means for us, but I am trying to keep thinking positive.

Now what else can happen? Just waiting.....

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Baseline tomorrow

There is nothing like a date with the sono machine to start up a new IVF cycle. Tomorrow at 7am, I will be in the Doctor's office getting checked out and Thursday I start stims. Shots have been going ok. The lupron headache started yesterday and it is better today. Having back spasms from the football game yesterday. Yes... I am falling apart.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Feeling so Full!

Tonight we are at the inlaws and I feel so full. We ate at TGI Friday's and I enjoyed a nice dinner, but I still feel so bleh! I think I have felt bloated since I was doing estrogen for our FET and it just hasn't gone away.

Started Lupron tonight... stims coming soon... more feeling full to come. Atleast I have my yoga pants on :)

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

IVF #2 is on like Donkey Kong

Dr. J walked in to the room, and boy, that man just knows how to put you at ease. DH and I feel so comfortable with him, even under the circumstances. We let us know that he really couldn't figure out why our embryos didn't make it through the freeze/thaw. We thought this would be the case. Dr. J did indicate that he thought something might have not gone right at the lab, as much as he has every confidence in the world with the lab. He said our embryos are too good for this to be happening.

I asked him if we should worry about our embryos, if they were good enough? And he repeated again and again that they were very good. We felt better.

We then talked about what would be different this time. He wants to get past the 3-day mark and let them grow out to blast. So we will be doing a 5 day transfer and if we can, a 5 day thaw. We increased the FSH just a little and decreased the Lupron. Here is the schedule:

Now: BCP
10/25: Lupron starts
11/6: FSH begins (follistim and then bravelle/menopur)
Week of 11/17: ER
and 5 days later... ET

In good news, I expressed our disappointment in spending so much on cryopreservation all for nothing. He then let us know that he would like to do the next freeze for free. We were flabberghasted. I cried ad we both thanked him for his kindenss. It was definitely a light at the end of our tunnel today. This man is a good man, and he is doing everything he can to get us our baby. Wish us luck!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Appointment tomorrow

Tomorrow is when we try to find out some answers to our woes. I am bummed tonight, not because we get to possibly get some answers, but because it makes me remember that I don't have my snowbabies. I just wanted a chance.... Hopefully answers soon.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

A list of Dos and Don'ts from Resolve

By Diane Clapp, BSN, RN and Merle Bombardieri, LICSW

Coping with Infertility can be extremely difficult for the family and friends of the couple going through infertility. As with any crisis it is difficult to know what to say. Because infertility is such a sensitive topic it is important to understand what you can and cannot say.

Let's start with what doesn't help, because the more you continue to say the wrong thing inadvertently, the deeper the rift will be between you and the couple. There is a universal list of No-No's that most infertile couples agree on. The following do's and don'ts should help you support the individual or couple who is struggling with infertility.

Don't Try to minimize the problem by saying, "Don't worry. At least you have each other and don't have cancer."

Do Listen to what the couple has to say about their experience and express empathy for their difficulties.

Don't Tell a couple who has had a miscarriage that it wasn't meant to be or that you know that they will be pregnant again soon and it will work the next time.

Do Realize that the couple has just lost a specific potential child who will never come again, no matter how wonderful the next pregnancy may be. Acknowledge how sad they must feel. Use the words "loss and sorrow"; don't be afraid to use the words that probably describe how the couple must feel.

Don't Give medical advice or doctor referrals without being asked or hearing the couple say they are looking for new information or referrals.

Do Tell the couple know that you'll be happy to listen to any details they want to share with you and that you would like to offer support during any procedures by a phone call or by offering to go with them to a medical appointment.

Don't Assume that new medical breakthroughs you read about in the paper will solve the couple's problems. The breakthrough announced by the news media may be irrelevant and if it is relevant, chances are the couple has seen the article and their medical team is knowledgeable about it.

Do Ask the couple if there are any books or articles that you could read to understand what they are going through medically.

Don't Expect the couple to act happy about attending baby showers, christenings and other family events that feature pregnant women and new babies.

Do Give them plenty of opportunity to decide whether to attend an event or whether to come late or leave early. They will not feel the need to avoid babies forever, but less contact right now may be a necessary part of their healing process.

Don't Start a discussion about infertility without paying attention to timing and to the couple's openness.

Do Choose a time when the couple's privacy is assured and ask the couple if they would like to talk. Couples experiencing infertility often feel out of control. Your letting them choose whether and when to talk about it gives them back some control.

Don't Assume that it is fine if you talk to your son's wife or your daughter's husband about their situation.

Do Respect the privacy needs of each individual and do not assume that they both want to talk about it with you.

Don't Offer unsolicited stories about others who have been successful at treatment or adoption.

Do Tell them if they are ever interested you could put them in touch with a couple willing to talk about their infertility experience or adoption process. Let them decide whether they want to pursue that information. As a parent, family member, or friend, you want to make it better for the couple, to take away the pain. But probably the greatest gift you can give your loved one or friend is to be a listener, a sounding board. Instead of erasing the pain, you can diminish it by your caring. One of the hardest questions to ask someone is, "How can I help you?" It is such a difficult question because you should be prepared for their answer and not the answer that you think they will say or should say. To ask that question and to trust the response that you hear is a powerful step in your efforts to help the couple struggling with this kind of crisis.

Infertility Awareness Week

Today begins a week that I wish I did not know so intimately. Please take a look at what Resolve brings to light and do what you can to help out women and men everywhere who struggle daily to achieve their dream of having a family.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Maybe answers?

The week after our failure was a bad one. The Dr's office never called. We had only heard from our embryologist the day our embies died. I waited a week and then called. I didn't get a call back for 3 days. I finally reached my primary nurse, and I was just beyond myself. Really upset. We talked and I found out that she had no idea that the transfer had not taken place.

This was very upsetting. Communication was not happening between the lab and 2 offices. So I let her in on what happened. We had lost all 4 embies. The transfer did not take place. She let me know that they would have called to see why I hadn't taken the preggo test. Ugh!

I let her know that we did not want to wait until November to talk to Dr. J and she squeezed us in for the 22nd. SO now we wait... and I keep thinking of questions I want the answers to. Ty figured it out that it was less than a 1% chance of all 4 embies dying.... I want answers.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

The Long Weekend

We ran away. We actually did it. Tyler doesn’t like to say ran away, because it insinuates that we were hiding from something. I, on the other hand, fully ran away from my emotional breakdown that was only a short time from coming.

So where did we go? Toronto. Yes we went all the way to Canada. Less than 12 hours after deciding it was time to leave, we were on the road to Canada. It took more than 12 hours and we ran into a ton of construction, but we made it. I am so glad we did it. We both needed the refuge.

Wednesday evening, after the news settled in, and with the impending 2 “bed rest” days coming, I couldn’t fathom staying home. I was on the Nest reading some very nice notes from some wonderful girls, and I just couldn’t deal. The tears were coming and I didn’t want to break down. Ty was trying to hold me whenever he could, but I didn’t want to let him. I wanted to stay strong, because I knew if I broke, it was over. I would be a mess for no less than the 4 days coming at us, and it would be a sad sight. So I looked over at my hubby and asked him if he wanted to leave. Without hesitancy, he agreed that we needed to get away.

At first, we were looking into short little trips… Kohler, WI…. Iowa’s Beer Fest…. You know, normal 3-4 hours trips, but that just didn’t stick. Then it happened. What about Toronto? I think Tyler brought it up, I am almost sure he did, and I ran with it. I was all about running away to Canada. It was a different place. Neither of us had been and I would have to think about our new surroundings more than sink into my sorrow. I was all in. Then we talked about Niagra. It was settled. I called my brother that night to let him know what had happened. See, we hadn’t told anyone we were doing a transfer, let alone that all of our embryos were gone, and we needed someone to look in on our kitty. SO I let him know that we were heading to Toronto. I think I scared him a bit. I reassured him that I was ok, Ty was ok, we just needed to leave. He was very supportive and let us know it would be ok, and that our kitty would be just fine.

Next we looked into hotels and deemed one appropriate. We picked the #1 hotel in Toronto according to TripAdvisor and then I realized that we would need our birth certificates to cross through customs. This posed a dilemma. Our birth certs are kept at the bank for safe-keeping. The bank doesn’t open until 9am. We did what we could, got everything together and headed to bed.

The next morning we woke up to much excitement and little bit of shock, ok a lot of shock. We were heading to Canada. We got packed, went to the bank, found our birth certs, locked up and headed out. I got a call from my Mom that my Grandma had fallen and broken her hip and would need surgery. I played it cool, made sure she was ok and we went about our trip. I didn’t need to worry my Mom more with my problems.

Our road trip was pretty uneventful. Lots of construction, many tears as we passed by the lab that had our embies not 36 hours earlier, but we made it to Toronto just fine. In one piece, away from reality.
While there, we took a Hippo Bus tour. This is one of those things that can go on both land and sea. The tour guide commended us on our enthusiasm despite the cold weather. It was cold and somewhat cloudy, but so was I, so I didn’t mind. We had a great time touring around the city and seeing the sites. That day for lunch, we went to a great little Italian place not far from the tour place called Joe Badali's and had a great sandwich and wonderful risotto. (We had always wanted to try risotto due to Chef Ramsay) We then headed back to the hotel to change into something a little warmer and went back out. Our first destination after lunch was the CN Tower. It is the world's largest tower and was so cool to go up into. We went to the observation deck, the sky pod and the glass floor. If you ever get a chance, you should check it out. Next we found a large mall and found our Christmas ornament for this year and then we went to what is called the Distillery District for a night out. There we found the Mill St. BrewPub. Had several different brews and enjoyed crab cakes and wings, watched the baseball playoffs and hockey pre-season and then headed back to our hotel. We had walked most of the day, so we were ready for a semi-early night. Tyler passed out pretty quick.



We woke up the next morning and head out for Niagra Falls. To say the least, it was amazing. It was so much more than I thought it would be, and I am so happy to have seen this with the love of my life. He is so my rock.

Why did we do this? I haven't broken down and I have been home for more than 7 hours. This is a plus. I have cried just a little bit, but I am doing ok. This is why we left. Ty seems to be doing ok too. We haven't had any word from the Dr. Office. We only had the call from the lab. Do I wait for the call from the office? Do I just wait for the wtf appointment in November?

We just want answers. We have grieved in our own way...but we do want answers.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

And then there were none...

OK, so I will let you in on our dirty secret. I was supposed to do another transfer tomorrow using 2 of our frozen embryos. I have been taking meds for weeks and shots for days and we had a hotel reservation tonight near the hospital. We were more than ready to bring our embies home.

Today we received horrible news that none of our embryos made it through the thaw. At first, I thought just our 2 that were picked for tomorrow, but then the embryologist told me it was all 4. We have no more in reserve.

I am not sure how to put into words the amount of loss I feel right now. We had figured we would have 2 tries with our little frozen guys, but it isn't to be. They are gone. Ty canceled the hotel for tonight and right now we are ready to run away. I had taken off the next two days for bedrest, and right now they are going to be used for mental stability recovery.

I seriously think we will head for Canada. I need to be somewhere different; somewhere to take both of our minds off things. I will keep you posted. Thanks for checking in.

*Kriddy and V* We didn't tell anyone we were doing this, not even family. We just kind of want to keep it on the down-low. I am not sure when we will tell them we lost them all. Thanks for understanding. Love ya.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Yikes

So I have been a pretty bad emotional wreck lately. I don't feel like I am going to ever be a mother. It is hard to see so many pregnant friends and people around me. One of my students may be preggo with a 2nd child, and I teach jr. high. I am just done emotionally. I can't handle much more right now.

My eye is wigging out due to stress and I just don't feel like me. We are heading away for the weekend to our family's cabin and then to the St Louis Cardinals last game of the season. This should be the relaxation I need and crave so much. Right now I just want to curl in with Ty on the couch and watch my estrovision, I mean TIVO, loaded with all my girly shows.

I have a doc appt this afternoon to check levels and see how I am doing. Hope all is well with a good ending to the week. Have a good weekend!

Monday, September 15, 2008

It's Been Quiet Lately

We are starting to get excited about things again. We have had a lot of time to think about our progress and feel like things are lining up. Today I talked with my boss about my infertility and filled him on on what went down, (in broad terms), this summer and what we are looking at in the future. I let him know that I would be gone somewhat often, and sometimes with little notice, and he was okay with it. He thanked me for letting him know, but most importantly wished us all the best and said he knew it would happen for us. That means a lot coming from a man I truly respect and want the best for. So I left his office feeling good and having a big weight off my shoulder.

This weekend was a great weekend with my hubby, but I had my sad moments. I was just feeling down about not being preggo yet. A good friend of ours just had a baby, as well as a co-worker, and it is just getting to me. I held my co-worker's daughter when she was 16 hours old and fell in love. I made it out of the maternity ward without crying and held it together. So I know I can deal... I just like I shouldn't have to.

Today I was warned by my very good friend that an acquaintance has gotten preggo. Now this particular girl just rubs me the wrong way, and I cannot see her as a mother, but I do wish her all the best.

This is the same girl who couldn't stop talking about not really trying, but not stopping pregnancy from happening. It's called unprotected sex. It is not a phenom. If you are fertile, you are likely to get preggo. Deal with it. It is nothing to blab on and on about. This particular convo happened the week after our failed IVF and fave chicki saved me a few times from breaking down that evening. Love you!

SO yah, a post about a whole lot of nothing... but something none the less. Off to drink some beers and eat some grub. Leave me a note with what is going on with you if you choose!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

"It Should Have Worked"

These were the first words out of Dr. J's mouth when we met with him Wednesday. This gives me hope. No, it didn't work, but he has faith that it will work. And we have chances. We have 4 frozen perfect embryos waiting for when we are ready.

Overall the appointment went well. He was very reassuring and made some changes to what our protocol will be for our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). I will be taking PIO shots instead of the pills. The shots come with a 1 1/2 inch needle, which will just be jolly. And we will be doing a mock transfer so nothing comes as a surprise for the real transfer with our little ones waiting in the wings. I feel good. Ty feels good. Now we wait for the right time.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The WTF appointment

Tomorrow is our WTF appointment and I am a little nervous. I want to know what our Dr. has to say and where he thinks we should go. It should be interesting.

We are doing better. Life is getting back to normal, as normal as it can be and things are looking up. I still think of our embies quite a bit, but I know we have 4 waiting for us as well.

Thanks for checking in.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Picking up the Pieces.

Words are still hard to come by. I have done a lot of thinking over the last few days, and when it comes down to it, it is guilt that always proceeds. It is an extremely hard thing to cope with. I can't be logical about what happened, because there is no logical reason as to why this didn't happen for us. 2 healthy embryos were put into me. Now they aren't there.



I know this wasn't a 100% chance. I knew there was that 50% half that we could fall on that would crush me, and it did. Nothing makes it much better. I am still trying to live with somewhat a sense of normalcy, but it will be a hard road. Thanks for all the kind words and thoughts. We have gotten so many wonderful call and messages of true concern and love. We truly do have a wonderful support system. Love to you all.


Thursday, August 7, 2008

Heartbroken

Today has been the hardest day of my life. I have been through a lot in my 26 years, but really nothing touches this. I feel such loss. I feel like I didn't do enough to protect my little ones. My heart is in a million pieces and I don't know how to get away from that feeling.

The morning started out good enough. I woke up at 6, nice and early. I was bound and determined to have a fairy tale discovery, me coming out of the bathroom with a huge grin on my face with lots of happy tears and plans for the future.

Well I went in and did the test and then came back out to wait the 3-4 minutes with Ty. After the time was up, I hesitantly went back in and saw NOT PREGNANT on the screen. I turned around and Ty was right there with the hopeful look on his face and I melted into him, unable to say the words. He knew as soon as he saw me. He pulled me back to bed and held me as I broke, crying until it hurt.

After a couple of hours, Ty had to get to work for a conference call and I fell back to sleep. I woke up to a check in from my hubby, making sure I was ok. He was really worried about leaving me, but I knew he would check in as much as possible. He encouraged me head to the lab for my Beta, so I rolled out of bed, threw on clothes and went in to the lab. I was in a daze. The girl checking me in said something about this being a great thing.... the girl taking my blood was in training and trying to be all happy. I didn't want to smile. I always put on a happy face for people, and I did not today. I knew the results before they did. I don't care if I came across as being rude, and normally this is not me.

I drove back home, not remembering the drive at all, which is kind of scary. I went to the couch and sat with my Mac and messaged back and forth with Ty all morning. He was keeping me going, and I think he was relieved that I was at least responsive. I broke down all morning. I saw the picture of our embies on the fridge and mourned them. I was a sad sight.

My mom called around 1 to check in. I had told her not to call, but I think she knew when I didn't call all happy in the morning. I told her that the hpt was negative and that I hadn't gotten the call from the lab, but I knew. We cried and she wished she were here. So did I.

I got off the phone with her and then got the call from the lab. Negatory.

I just don't understand why. It is hard enough dealing with not conceiving naturally, but to then fail again after spending so much time and money on this cycle. I was a human pin cushion. Over 40 shots, hundreds of pills, surgery and procedures, I am back to square one.

I am raw inside, but coping. I just keep wishing for what I can't have. I want my embies back.

There are no words...

There are no words to describe the pain I feel right now. Needless to say, I am not pregnant. I have no other words....

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

11dp3dt... Testing Day tomorrow

I can't believe I made it. I didn't test early, at all. No sneaks, no nothing.

I really wanted to this morning. I was all ready to and then my cell phone rang. So I head out to answer the phone and they hang up.... it was a number with 11 digits. That doesn't make sense! It was like a sign. A sign not to test... because the next thing I know is I am in the bathroom after going pee and didn't even think of the test. Darnit!

So tonight I go and get the digital to take in the morning. I am so nervous, but excited at the same time. After the test, I head to the lab for my blood test and then we will have our numbers soon after that.

Monday, August 4, 2008

So Hard ... how I am feeling right now

"So Hard"

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard

-Dixie Chicks

9dp3dt

Eek! I have contractors in this morning fixing up my bathroom. I finished my guest bath for the most part this weekend and even with all of this going on, all I can think about are the potential babies in my belly.

This experience has truly turned me into a nut. I am already nutty enough teaching 12 year olds, but this is a new level of nutty. 3 more days until Beta. Can I wait that long?

Friday, August 1, 2008

Quite Possibly the Worst IVF Article in the World... Literally.

This comes from our frenemies: The Times of India from a said fertility expert:

Can't conceive? Stop arguing with hubby!

Struggling to conceive? Don't just opt for IVF. Instead drink less, avoid stressful working hours and simply stop arguing with your husband to boost your chances of having a baby, according to a fertlity expert.

"It is not so much that they (the women) are suffering from an inability to conceive, but an impatience to do so, set against a bleak backdrop in which almost everything else about their lifestyle has a negative impact.

"A lot of people drink as a way to relax, but studies have shown that alcohol directly impacts fertility. In women, it's thought to affect reproductive hormones, leading to an abnormal menstrual cycle," British fertility expert Zita West told the 'Daily Mail'. West and her colleagues have based their findings on an analysis of several patients who visited their clinic for
fertility treatment.

In fact, according to her, stress also acts as a barrier to reproduction - it can not only kill sex life of a couple but also affects a woman's fertility. "Women today work incredibly hard -they get up, they have breakfast on the run, they check their Blackberrys last thing at night and they fall into bed at the end of the day exhausted.

"The human body, remarkable as it is, is extremely complex and sensitive to factors such as stress and anxiety, especially when it comes to reproduction. And if you are having sex just once a week or once a month, conception is not necessarily going to be straightforward.

"Next thing, the couple are arguing, and bitter feelings and resentment provide another barrier to sex, which in turn affects conception. And all this may happen in a far shorter time frame than the average seven months it takes to conceive," West said.


So this means that if I don't drink any alcohol and we get along perfectly, I will automatically get preggo. Right. It fixes everything. Ugh! You know it is one thing to make those claims, but when you bring IVF into it.... it is personal, Bitches. Yes, I am a little worked up on this.... but come on folks, have some sense if you are going to publish this kind of nonsense.

Touching Article: The Dixie Chicks

This was posted by another Nestie, but I thought it was worth posting here. You never know who you will reach, and all I can say is I was very touched by the Chick's kind words.

From Conceive Magazine:

Two of the famed Dixie Chicks musical group—sisters Martie Maguire and Emily Robison—talk about their long and ultimately happy journey to parenthood. Even when you’re beautiful, talented, and successful,it doesn’t always come easy.

Fertility—or infertility—is hardly the first thing that comes to mind when people think about the Dixie Chicks. Terrific music, absolutely. Gorgeous women, definitely. Outspokenness and honesty, of course!

But now two of the Dixie Chicks—sisters Martie Maguire and Emily Robison—are taking their group’s characteristic outspokenness and honesty and applying it to a subject that so many women can relate to. While the Dixie Chicks’ lead singer Natalie Maines had no trouble getting pregnant with her two children—7-year-old Slade and 2-year-old Beckett—both Emily, the group’s guitarist and banjo player, and Martie, who plays fiddle and mandolin, wound up using in vitro fertilization (IVF) to start their families. And they’re not embarrassed to talk about it and share their thoughts on what it’s like when it doesn’t come easy.

In fact, far from being embarrassed, the group actually wrote and recorded a song about it. “So Hard,” is on their latest album, Taking the Long Way, which won an impressive five Grammy awards this year. The song, about various difficulties in relationships, includes the lyrics:

It felt like a given
Something a woman is born to do
A natural ambition
See a reflection of me and you
And I’d feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn’t give
And could you be happy
If life wasn’t how we pictured it

The sisters vividly remember the lyric-writing session. “Sometimes a title dictates what a song is about,” says Emily. “It was a hard day, and we were having writer’s block. Natalie said, ‘It’s so hard when it doesn’t come easy,’ and we went from there. It started out as a relationship song, but then we decided to apply it to our own situation and get very personal about trying to conceive, and how hard it is on your relationship when you have problems.”

When this writing session occurred several years ago, all three Dixie Chicks were already moms. Natalie had her two sons. Emily had Gus, now four, and was pregnant with her twins Henry and Julianna, now two. And Martie had her twins, Eva and Kathleen, who are now three. “I don’t think we would have been strong enough to write the song while we were in the throes of [infertility],” says Martie. “We felt more comfortable writing about it once we had success.”

The sisters said they’ve had a great reaction from the public, and especially from women who relate to the infertility aspect of the song. “I do think it crosses a lot of boundaries,” says Emily. “And the people who know what it’s about with us and infertility write us letters. I think our fans appreciate that we’re real women going through what real women go through. And now they have a song.”

Both sisters say they always knew they wanted children. And both were surprised when it didn’t happen quickly and easily. There was nothing in their family or health history to suggest there would be problems. And they had watched lead singer Natalie Maines simply decide to be pregnant and start her family. They figured it would be just as easy for them.

Emily, now 35, the younger of the two sisters, started trying first, while she was still in her twenties. Married to country singer Charlie Robison, the couple had decided to be married a couple of years before having children. “We definitely had a plan,” says Emily, “but we were under the na├»ve assumption that once we started we’d be pregnant the first month. When it didn’t work that way, I was in shock.”

In fact, it took more than two years of fertility treatments before Emily and Charlie became parents. “After about six months of trying naturally we were aware there could be a problem,” says Emily. “We had the basic tests done, and everything was normal. So we started slowly at first, trying artificial insemination to up our chances.”

After another year without success, the couple got more aggressive. Emily had a laparoscopy to try and rule out any problems. She was found to have mild endometriosis, “but nothing that would have kept me from getting pregnant.” Another six months went by. “Then we were ready to just go for it,” she says. Son Gus was born after Emily’s fourth round of IVF. “I have nothing but praise for the San Antonio Fertility Center. They walked us through every step,” she says. Sister Martie was in the delivery room with her, videotaping everything.

Martie had found it heartbreaking to watch her little sister struggle and suffer through fertility treatments. But she still never really thought she’d experience the same kind of problems. Her husband, actor Gareth Maguire, comes from a family of six children. “So we were going to meet in the middle and have four or five,” she says.

As with her sister, testing found some mild problems, but nothing that should have prevented pregnancy. “All my paperwork said ‘unspecified origin,’” she says. “We spent three years of active trying before we went to IVF. First I went on Clomid. Then I had some dye tests and found I had a collapsed tube, so I had laparoscopic surgery; the tube wasn’t blocked, just spasming. We did three IUIs [intrauterine insemination], and then decided it wasn’t worth doing a fourth, and we’d go on to in vitro fertilization.” And that did the trick; Martie got pregnant with her first IVF cycle, and gave birth to twin daughters.

While the musicians’ fertility stories may be easily recognizable to many women who have also struggled to get pregnant, the two Dixie Chicks faced additional difficulties. For instance, how do you schedule doctors’ visits when you’re touring across the country? Even more challenging, how can you make sure you have your injections at the same time every day—and that they’re always refrigerated—when you’re on an international tour.

Emily went first, and her in vitro cycles occurred during one of the group’s national tours. “I’m by nature a very modest person,” says Emily, “but by the end of that tour, every-one had seen me naked. You’ll do anything when you’re wanting to have a baby. I can laugh about it now, but I called that the gynecological tour across the United States.”

When it was Martie’s turn, the group was touring Europe. “I had to take the shots on the road and see different doctors in different countries,” she says. “That was hard. I remember once in Scandinavia there was a doctor whose examining table—with stirrups—looked like it was in the middle of his personal office. It was the dustiest, dirtiest, non-sterile environment for a check-up.

“Other things were hard that most people wouldn’t think of,” she continues. “Some of the fertility medications and shots have to be refrigerated, and can’t be in the light. I had to make sure that I had a mini-refrigerator in whatever country I was in. And if I ruined a batch of medicine, I had to find a 24-hour pharmacy. Also, you have to have the shots within a certain time period, and sometimes we were on a plane then. So I’d have to carry a pack with ice in it. Luckily I had my husband with me the whole time. He was the note-taker and the organizer, and he gave me the shots, too.”

Throughout the sisters’ pregnancy attempts, bandmate Natalie Maines was sympathetic and supportive. “She got pregnant with her son so easily, I think she almost felt guilty watching us,” says Martie, “but I don’t think women should feel guilty.”

When Gus was almost two, Emily and her husband decided it was time to try again. “The second time was a lot easier,” she says. “We went straight to IVF. We had some leftover embryos, so we did a couple of frozen cycles, but they didn’t take. Then we did another fresh cycle and put in three embryos. And I got pregnant with twins.” This time, the band wasn’t touring, and Emily was able to stay in one place while she was trying. Of course, at that point she had a toddler at home to take care of, too. “Natalie was always able to say, ‘Okay, we have nine months off. I’m going to get pregnant.’ And she did,” says Emily. “But Martie and I had to start hoping we’d get pregnant, and then it would take a while and we’d be back in the work cycle.”

Both Martie and Emily realize how lucky they are. Even though they weren’t able to get pregnant as easily as their bandmate Natalie, they know they had advantages that aren’t available to all women. Because of their successful careers they had access to high-tech medical treatments and the money to pay for them. “I really have a problem with the fact that insurance companies don’t see infertility as a medical condition requiring coverage,” says Martie. “I do want there to be some pressure on the insurance companies. It’s such a strong drive for women, knowing you were meant to be a mom. We would have gone into debt, done whatever, exhausted all the options, to get there. But a lot of women have to give up on that dream because they can’t afford it.”

Emily concurs, and adds that “probably half our friends are in some sort of therapy for infertility, whether it’s just artificial insemination, or all the way through in vitro,” she says. “We kind of feel like it’s epidemic at this point with our generation. And we all have our theories on why that is.”

The sisters have thought a lot about why the two of them had such difficulties getting pregnant. They called their mother, but she said she got pregnant easily. And no one could remember any aunts, grandmothers, or any other relatives having problems. “We have an older sister who gets pregnant easily,” says Martie. “So Emily and I think there may be an environmental cause for our problems. Neither of us were very old when we started trying. But we’ve lived very parallel lives. We’ve been in a band together since I was 12 and she was 10. We can’t help but wonder, did we stay in a hotel near a power plant? Did we drink the same bad water? Maybe there’s a link.”

Right now the band is taking some time off, and one of Martie’s projects is to add another child to her family. This month (August) she’ll be trying IVF again. “Last time we had three embryos left over. I had all three implanted, but none were successful. So now I have to go through the whole retrieval process again. I started with twins, and now I think I only want one more child, maybe two.”

Martie says her friends tell her that now that she’s been pregnant once, it will be easier this time. But having one child has also made her concerned about another issue: what to do if there are embryos left over this time. “Now that I have children, I see those embryos as possible children. So I have to think about what my options are if there are leftovers again. I could keep them in storage, and maybe they will help my children some day. Or I can try to donate them to stem cell research. I don’t think I could give them to another family,” she admits. “I would always worry: what if it’s an abusive family? What if they don’t get enough love?”

In spite of these kinds of concerns, Martie and Emily feel overwhelming gratitude toward the advances in reproductive science that helped them become parents. “Thank God I live in a time when I can get some assistance,” says Martie. Adds Emily, “In the beginning I felt such a stigma about it, but then I found out how many people are affected by infertility, and what a beautiful thing it is that there’s this technology and science out there to help couples have children. The more people talk about it, the less stigma there is. I never want anyone to feel that it’s not as beautiful a way to have a child as any other.” conceive

Saturday, July 26, 2008

2 little bugs... hopefully snug as a rug

It has happened. The transfer went so well. This morning we woke up and got ready. We went down to the lobby of the hotel and had a little breakfast. Ty had to finish mine because my stomach was doing flips. I chugged down as much Propel as possible. I was told pre-op that I needed to have a full bladder for the transfer, so I complied only to be told later that I need to slow down. Overachiever again :) We laughed as we ate our breakfast at the crazy old Nascar fans that couldn't figure out how to work the waffle maker. It helped to lighten the mood. To be honest, Ty and I couldn't stop grinning at each other.

After we finished, we headed over to the Hospital. I didn't get a chance to comment before, but this place was beautiful. I told Ty that I wanted to deliver here, and he said no way as it was 2 hours away from home, but it is so nice. So not like a Hospital. Very relaxing and boutique-like. As we were walking in, I was complimenting Tyler on his soothing ways and he decided he should take this up as a job. Taking hormonal women to their Embryo Transfers. I think a nurse leaving heard us and got very confused at our conversation.

We went up to the surgical floor and had to call back to get in. The reception area was completely empty with it being the weekend. Our nurse came and got us and brought us right back. I changed and started to feel the Valium do its work. I was relaxing. We watched a little SportCenter and then headed back to the Transfer Room.

The transfer room had relaxing music on and low lighting. I hopped up on the bed like a champ and Dr. J let us know that the embryologist didn't like our embryos, she LOVED them :) Very good news. The 2 best were chosen and we were told 4 would be frozen in a few days. I was very happy to hear that.

As Dr. J got ready, Tyler stroked my hair and we held hands as we both watched the screen and before we knew it, 2 embryos were in my womb. I cried as we were left on our own for minutes and we kissed and hugged, knowing our dream was possible now. We were led back to our room and then were ready to go.

The pain was less than the after effects of the retrieval. I am still a bit crampy and way paranoid. The nurse assured me that the embryos would not fall out, which was a nice reassurance. All in all, the experience was a very good one. I am still pretty weak, but what person isn't after surgery and then another procedure 2 days later.

I am having a hard time knowing how to feel. Right now, I feel as though I have two babies snuggling into their home. It is almost impossible not to feel this way. I know realistically that nothing is for sure right now. Our beta is in August and until then, I have to wait. It will be hard, but until then, I have my picture of my lil ones to keep me going. Love to you all!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

2 wonderful fortunes

Last night Ty spoiled me with a plethora of Chinese food, so fortune cookies were a must. Last night, Tyler had a fortune that read:

Sometimes travel to new places leads to great transformation.

This morning we woke up to 6 embies growing, waiting to become our lil ones. I couldn't ask for a better transformation than that. This afternoon, I opened the last cookie and it read:

Hope is the most precious treasure to a person.

This is so true for us today. I am so hopeful of having a successful Transfer on Saturday. Ty is so hopeful of having a healthy wife with 1 healthy embie snuggling in (or two :) ) Hope is a good word for us now.

Fert Report

I just got the call from the Lab. My cell phone was sitting right next to me. I carried it wherever I went this morning. In fact, I have been up since Ty went to work, because I was so nervous. So here are the details:

16 eggs from ER
11 of those eggs were mature
6 of those eggs fertilized
1 or more could catch up to be with the other 6 by Saturday


So I am thinking we have a 50+% fert rate, which I see as a good thing! I so want this to happen!
I am truly sore this morning. I have been taking my pain meds when it gets to be too much. It has been knocking me out, but I have felt better when I take them. I should get a call this afternoon when our ET will be. For now, it is resting time.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I made it! ER was a success!

Today we have 16 eggs in the lab awaiting their partners. Let's hope for a good fert report tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Baby Lab on Discovery Health= Fear

Yowzers. Less than 24 hours to go before ER. I am watching The Baby Lab and it is all about IVF today. I am trying not to watch the ER procedure, but my goodness, it just sucks you in. No pun intended. Ok, maybe just a little. I am hoping to see a ton of eggs tomorrow. I have more than 20 chances. Ugh, I need this to be over!!!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Finally... I'm an Over Achiever!

I went in this morning for my 3rd stim check, and boy, did I ever stim. I have over 20 follies at 14 or more, with just as many small ones. This has made it quite uncomfortable and I seem to think I look quite preggo because of it, but everything is all good. OHSS is on my mind. I am not wanting to make an ED pit stop before my ER.

Saturday I took the 2+1 of the Bravelle/Follistim combo. Sunday and today, I took 225 of Follistim. I am of the thinking that I respond very well to the high dose of Follistim. I could really feel the pressure starting Sunday midday and I am truly feeling each and every follie today.

Tomorrow is Pre-Op day in the morning. I trigger tonight and then we are off tomorrow afternoon to the city of the ER and I will then be back for the ET Saturday.

BTW, the Follistim pen was a no brainer! Easy-peasy on its own!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Fear of the Follistim Pen


Conquered! This morning I ran out of Bravelle with our extended stimming, so we switched over to all Follistim in the AM. Normally, I got the pen ready while Ty did the mixing of the Bravelle and then I added the Follistim to the vial before injection. So I had not had the pen injected into me. I had big fears because I saw how the pen shot the medicine in with hyper-speed. But this morning it went well and I even had to do 2 injections because we were finishing one cartridge! Yay for me! Tomorrow brings Stim Check #3. Hopefully ER will be Wednesday!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Disappointing Stim Check #2

Well I am back from stim check #2. My follies are not big enough yet. Ty keeps saying this is ok, better to go slow and big then get too big too fast. I agree, but I am disappointed. I wanted this to all happen on Monday. I should get a call later this morning about what my meds should be and when I should be going back to the office for another check. Back to injections.... yay :/

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Show and Tell

I have been meaning to post about this since we started Lupron, but my lil hubby found the perfect sharps container for us. It is an old Mirace Grow Container.

Ty said this would be the perfect container. It is thick, with a lid and what could be better than being labeled with "Miracle Grow". He has to be the sweetest thing ever :)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Stim Check #1

My NP called around lunch time to let me know my RE is very pleased with how things are going. I have many, many follies and my estrogen is 175, which I am told is excellent. I go back Friday for the next check. So exciting!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Holy Horomones

This has been quite the ride, but I feel like I am doing ok with it. I have been taking the shots like a trooper and I have my first u/s to monitor tomorrow. My feelings have been all over the place. I have had my breakdowns, one about having to get shots, and one for not being able to make this baby ourselves. I am having a hard time with not making love to make this child. I am better with it now, but it was definitely a moment of mourning. The dream gone by the wayside and handed over to science.

So we are in the home stretch. It sounds like depending on how tomorrow and later this week goes, we could be in the surgery room as early as this weekend. I am so excited to actually have a chance to conceive this month. We actually have a good chance. I will keep you updated!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

An Update

I started Lupron Sunday and the shots have been going well. I was way worked up about them before it happened, but Ty did such a great job. He really is a rock. He goes into this mode where he just makes things happen, no matter how freaked out he would be if it were under different circumstances. I love him! :)

This week also brought major meds. drama. I went to pick up my Menopur from the pharmacy and they wanted almost $700. My prescription benefits are maxed out. I was freaking out, as this is a huge chunk of change, much more than the $90 I was told earlier. So... I called the Insurance and then the Dr's Office and we did some switching around. I saved $100. Not much, but we will take it.

When I went to pick up the new med, Follistem, the guy behind the counter gave me my bag and told me the total was $29.95. I asked if I could look in the bag and I did, only to find a box of needles..... I told him I needed the medication to go with the needles because they wouldn't do any good without something to go in them...

Ok, so I didn't quite say this, but I told him I needed my medication too. He looked puzzled and finally got it. Then before he would give it to me, He said" But it will be $5xx.xx?" I said well, I don't really have a choice unless you are going to give me a discount. I'll take it". It just amazes me how some people can be so dense. Like you have a choice when you need the meds.

So that is my week in a nutshell. Bruises on the belly, itchies after the injection and lots of ove from the big guy.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Accupuncture....nah, I will just go to the Spa!

So I came up with my own relaxation plan after coming to the conclusion that acupuncture is right in line with the massage therapist I saw before the wedding. I just can't deal with the whole Mother Earth type thing. I know some people are truly into that, and that is wonderful that they find solace in Mother Earth, but I do not, not like that.

I called 2 places yesterday... one immediately told me she would treat my kidneys because they are the Mother of the Meridian... Ok.... um, I will be in touch.... She wanted me to come in 4 times a week for 3 months are $50 a pop. Um, no thanks!

The second place I called refused to give me a quote on a per session package. She said that had 24 sessions and it was a combo price of $500.... um again, no thanks!

So I did what any other girl who just needed a little relaxation would do.... I called the spa! I booked a facial for the Wednesday before my Monday ER and I booked a spa mani/pedi for the Wednesday in between the ER and ET. I am so excited and it is so much cheaper. I could do this quite a few times and still be ahead.

Again, I know there are many out there who find relaxation in the acupuncture and massage worlds... I am just not one of them. Facials are my limit :)

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Good News! For once in this journey...

Right when we thought the other shoe was going to fall, Ty and I were given the green light for IVF. We are so excited. I broke down when Dr. J gave us the good new. Apparently the high level that came back was not high at all and it wasn't even a concern. You could feel the huge sigh Ty and I both took as he told us we were a go.

After that, all was a breeze. I asked about 2 dozen questions all with easy answers and then I asked about counseling and accupuncture. He recommended both, especially as I was asking him about counseling, tears were running down my face. I have just been so emotional. My self esteem has been low with all of this and I could just really use someone to talk to.

As of now, we go back Friday for a shots class and then start injections Sunday. Yikes! This is really happening, folks!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Scared.

Today is the day we get the news if we are really going to do IVF or not. Ty and I had thought it would be a sure thing. We would do his SDFA tests and they would come back fine. It would just be an after thought. Well, they didn't come back fine. His HDS is high. Just what we need, another obstacle.

I am hoping that this is just a minor thing, and that ICSI will be the cure. Keep your fingers crossed for us today. This could be it. We either do IVF or we don't have a biological baby.

Friday, June 13, 2008

They were everywhere...

Pregnant women, that is. Ty and I went out for our 4 year anniversary dinner and had a great time. We were enjoying our drinks and appetizers when all of the sudden I heard "I just popped this week! It is the first time I am really showing!" I cringed as I looked to my left. There stood a beautiful, glowing couple greatly preggo and proud of it surrounded by proud parents on both sides. They were seated at the table next to us. The new daddy-to-be got a gift from his father for father's day. The mother-to-be was beaming. I thought good for them.... until about 20 minutes later and they were still carrying on. I couldn't take anymore.

It was just so hard. I didn't shed any tears but Ty knew I was going down and in a hurry. He was wonderful comforting me in his ways, as I proclaimed God hates me over and over. And then I looked up and saw more preggos. It was like a preggo convention. We then decided that chocolate was in order. When the waitress came back, we asked for the desert menu and decided on a lovely chocolate torte. She came back out with both the chocolatey goodness and 2 chocolate-covered strawberries. It was divine and it made me happy. It made us happy.

On the day when I didn't want to focus on our IF, it was right in our faces all night. It just makes me realize it will always be there, I just need to deal.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

For Baby Ru

I am somewhat of a superstitious person, so knowing what the odds are with IVF I am careful as to what I might associate with the process if something were to go wrong. I have won a diamond solitaire necklace, given to me by my hubby, for the last 5 years. This necklace means so much to me. It was my 21st birthday and right before he proposed. The necklace has had a lot of happy memories associated with it.

So I made it my mission to find a replacement for this special piece. Earlier this year, I saw the movie 27 dresses and admired many of the necklaces Katherine Heigl wore. One in particular caught my eye. It was a small disc pendant with a small engraving. I loved the look. Ever since then I have wanted to recapture this look for my own little piece of heaven.

When we got the go ahead for IVF I knew I had to act. I looked far and wide and came up with this from 3 different places:

The first pic is of the front side with an R for our last name.
I wanted a letter that presented both Ty and myself.


This pic is of the backside of the pendant. The BR is for Baby Ru,
our affectionate name for the little one who has yet to visit us.

Corny? Probably. Us? Yes. I needed something to represent our struggle, something that could go away if I needed it to. Something so we would never forget what this has meant for our relationship. IVF makes you look at things differently and we are just trying to live life to its fullest.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

New Stamp...even if it is in Portugal.

Saw this by the way of The Nest today and thought it was worth showing. Glad to see someone cares about our struggles.
This is from a blog called Stamps of Distinction:












Portugal, 2008
Is this the world's first
infertility-themed stamp?

In March, 2008, Portugal's postal authority CTT Correios de Portugal, S.A. may have made postal history when it issued the stamp shown on the left. It is thought that this stamp was the first ever stamp specifically issued to raise awareness of the struggles of infertility. In a March, 2008, article in Linn's Stamp News, the de-facto industry standard for philatelic news, suggests that this is, in fact, the first stamp on this topic.

Infertility is the inability of a couple to conceive a child or, if conceived, the inability to successfully carry the child to delivery. The condition is usually associated with strong emotions such as angst, grief, anger, a sense of incompleteness, and depression. The emotional impact to the affected individual or couple can be devastating.

For years, there were only three primary options available to infertile couples. One was to try home-remedies and "quack" cures, which had successes rates attributable to simple luck. Another was to accept their childlessness, which many did reluctantly. The last, and in my opinion, most noble option, was adoption.

As doctors searched for additional options for this debilitating illness, a new technique, called in vitro fertilization, or IVF, was successfully pioneered by British doctors, Patrick Steptoe and Robert Edwards. On July 24, 1978, their technique led to the birth of Louise Joy Brown, the first baby to have been conceived outside of her mother's body.

Louise's parents had tried for a number of years to conceive a child, but with physically blocked Fallopian tubes, Louise's mother was unable to conceive through natural methods. By removing her eggs, fertilizing them outside of the body, and then implanting them, Louise's mother was finally able to become pregnant and bear a child.

This event became a watershed event in the efforts to find a cure for infertility. It meant that couples who had previously been unable to conceive due to physical impairments stood a much-greater chance of conception. While in the best case, it offers about a 50% success rate in younger women, such a percentage is a marked improvement over the miniscule success rates without IVF. It offered a ray of hope and led to more attempts in finding a cure for the illness.

Unfortunately, the high cost of in vitro fertilization has kept the procedure out of reach of many infertile couples. But each year advances are made and many procedures have come down in cost.

The stamp issued by Portugal is beautifully designed and conveys the hopes of infertile couples with its imagery. The stamp shows a stylized silhouette image of a man and woman embracing a child. The image of the child is almost ghost-like in appearance, symbolizing the hope for the child, yet at the same time highlighting the fragility of conception for infertile couples.

The stamp is denominated as 0.30 Euro (approx $0.47 USD). It is currently available for purchase from Portugal's postal authority.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

So Overwhelmed

Yesterday I hit a bad spot. I was in the shower and just started to bawl. It snuck up on me and just completely took me over. Hubby was there and just took me in his arms and held me, not knowing why I was so upset. I didn't either. I was pretty out of it all morning. I just feel like a mutant.

I have had health problems since January, and this is on top of all of our IF probs. I have had almost a dozen UTIs since January. They keep coming back. This last time, I was on meds and it seemed cleared up and this was in April. Now I have another one, so I am back on antibiotics. It sucks. To top that all off, I am having bad allergies and both of my eyes are all f'ed up and I have to wear my glasses, which can be annoying.

So Thursday I stop in the pharmacy to pick up my antibiotics for said infection and I find out most of my IVF meds are ready. They start to package all of them up and they just kept coming. I was getting the craziest looks. SO finally they get all of them, minus the menopur on backorder, and package it all up. Those frickin meds took up my entire front seat. It was ridiculous.

I got back to the house and started taking all of them out and I was just in shock of all the needles. It hit me then that all of those stickies would be going into me. Yikes!

But it is Saturday and I am feeling better. I know Ty will be there for me and will have my best interest in heart as he stabs me each night with a needle. I know this, it is just the thought of being stuck so often that gets me. And we get closer....

Monday, June 2, 2008

Pharmacy Nightmares

First off, I am in love with my new BFF, the pharmacist I talked to on Friday night at Walgreen's. I don't know who she is, but she is my BFF. But it took a long time to get there...

I have been shopping around different pharmacies to find the best price for the meds we don't have a co-pay for. For those meds, we have to pay 20%. This can be quite the price difference. I have seen prices for the particular drug from $57-87 a vial. We will need 20-25 vials. This can be a huge price differentiation. So I was calling pharmacies left and right and looking at my options. The pharmacy I had enrolled in didn't have my info at all, even though I had a letter directly from them. They couldn't find me in the system. That was a NO go.

I found that many do not really know what they are talking about fully when it comes to fertility drugs. Everyone had a different opinion, and it was so aggravating.

So finally, I decide on using Walgreen's Specialty Pharmacy. I call my NP and she sends in the prescription, but sends it to just the local Walgreens. I get a call from Walgreens that night saying my prescription wouldn't be ready... no kidding, they need to be shipped in. I call the store to see exactly what is going on and that is when I met my friend. I asked her if this was going through the specialty store and she said no. I asked if they would be able to get all of the meds and she said she was not sure. She took my insurance info and told me she would call her boss. Not long after, she calls back telling me that everything ran through and they could get it all in. She then gave me the total cost. I about fell to the floor. The cost was half of what I was expecting. This was amazing to me. So if all goes right, and this is everything, our costs are going to be way down! Yay!


Thursday, May 22, 2008

IVF #1 ... Woa Nelly!

WoooHooo!!! Is all I can say about our RE appointment. Dr J is fabulous. He got right to the point and let us know that he knows with my job as a teacher, a summer IVF would be most beneficial, and here we are. I will start BCP June 11 and take 21 days worth. We will start Lupron around June 30th, FSH around July 11 and looking at a July 21st ER!

I can't believe this is happening! It has been hard waiting to find out what is going on, but we are here. Dr J seems upbeat about our chances and we are looking forward to working with him. He let us know that my PCOS shouldn't even be a minute issue, which is a relief. Now we just need to get preggo :)

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

*Sigh* AI Spoiler

Some things are right in the world. David Cook has won American Idol! I can now have a sigh of relief and get back to being anxious over tomorrow's appointment. Update tomorrow!

Saturday, May 17, 2008

RE on Thursday

We have our first appointment with the RE on Thursday. I am feeling anxious over this appointment, but hopeful that we will have a plan soon in place. Still not sure what to feel about IVF. I know this is what we need to do, but my goodness. I am just thankful that we have such good insurance coverage. That is our saving grace. For now I am just trying to relax. I have been reading up on the procedures. Right now I am reading the Couple's Guide to IVF. It is a pretty good read. Lots of good information. Bye for now...

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Numb.

Today I feel numb. I was the dumb one, 14dpo to test this morning and get a BFN. What did I expect? Just because it was Mother's Day I would magically become a Mother? Yah, right. No go here, even though I don't have any signs of AF right now, and normally I would have this point.

Yesterday was spent crying off and on, mourning Mother's Day in general. I just hit a low. I was supposed to be a Mother by now. In my perfect world. Don't we know how that goes? So I am a little bitter today, a little numb. Trying not to cry.

Hubby has been a rock. He went with me to look at the test result. He held me as I fought back tears. He teared up himself. There is nothing more supportive than knowing he is right here with me, in feelings and hope and pain.

Even though this tends to be an anti-Mother's Day post, I hope that all the Mother's out there know how special they are and how special they have it. You have been blessed. Please never take that for granted.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

A Good Break

Yesterday Hubby and I took a day for ourselves. We went to the Cards/Cubs series over the weekend, got back late Sunday and made Monday our own. It was so nice. We both took personal days and just enjoyed the day. It was in the mid 70s. Hubby mowed and installed his new, beloved garage lights. I went on a shopping bonanza at the local nurseries and planted my lil heart out. I ended up filling over a dozen pots with flowers of all kinds. They make me so happy :)

So we made the day our own. It was so nice not to have to go to a Dr appointment on an off day like we have since January. It was nice to just be us for once in this long journey. Now we are looking at May 22nd with eager eyes when we meet our RE for the first time. IVF here we come!

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Breakdown

So last night I lost it. We found out the results from Dh's second SA and they were the same. 1.4 mil count, but good quality. I have PCOS. Not a good combo. I made the first appointment with an RE ( we were with a reproductive med Dr before) and we are heading straight for IVF.

I am scared out of my mind. It seems like this is such a final chapter. I never thought we would end up doing IVF. I even considered stopping trying if we got to IVF. This isn't an option anymore. Our only shot is IVF.

I know it's a major pity party, but I am definitely playing the why me? card. I almost feel like I am mourning my fertility. We are such a strong couple and I know we will make it through this. And even though I have been preparing for this for several weeks, it has hit me like a ton of bricks.

What do I do? How do I cope with this?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Dealing with the Feelings

I never imagined we would be in this spot. I thought it would come easy and I would be about 8 or 9 months pregnant now. We thought we would just practice some over the summer and get to it early fall to have a summer baby and lots of mommy time before I had to go back to work in August. Boy, were we wrong. It is hard thinking about that. What should have been. But should it have been? Should people think it is that easy to get preggo?

After reading Cindy's book, I came to realize that I shouldn't be ashamed of this IF. You tend to say it lightly and discreetly, not only because it is personal, but it has this stigma to it. The topic no one quite understands, unless they have been through it. And then you get the ones who go through more intense treatments and understand that much more. It is hard to balance your feelings towards those who are on the same page as you and those who went through less and maybe don't say the right things. I am trying to take the support I get and not analyze it or be bitter towards remarks that might not be the most sensitive. I am trying and that is all you can do.

I am a science teacher, so being able to see my insides like I have has been exhilarating. How many people have had their fallopian tubes called beautiful?! :) And then they get to see them onscreen. So I have had some side perks. We are getting more comfortable with our situation. We tread lightly around each other, but had a heart-to-heart last night and I realized just how lucky I am.

I want a baby so badly, but I am already so incredibly lucky to have a man like I do right now. I will continue to be lucky as long as he is by my side, whether we grow a family or not.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

WooHoo! No Strike 3!

Yesterday I had my HSG done at about 4:15. It was definitely not as bad as I had thought it would be after reading some pretty bad reviews on TTTC. There was absolute discomfort during it, but only for a short time, and the best thing is, my tubes are clear. Dr. F called them beautiful. Only an IF gal would be so proud. :)

I really thought we might get strike 3 here. It is hard not to think of MFI and PCOS as 2 strikes against us. I try to be positive, but my hubby is definitely the positive rock through all of this. He waited for me in the waiting room and did a stellar job. I even went grocery shopping afterwards and did just fine.

Now we wait for the SA #2 test and results and then make an appointment to make a game plan from there. I am hoping IUI but I am all over IVF and reading up on it. I think that is how we will have to go.

The new IF book by Cindy Margolis was pretty informative. It gave a real-life look at the procedure and opened my eyes to quite a few things. I recommend it if you have a chance to read it.

Things are slowing down on our end. I just started Metformin last night and I am already not feeling well on it. I think it is just something I will get used to. Now on to Tuesday...

Happy Earth Day!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Nervous Behaviors

I have my HSG tomorrow and I have been reading everything imaginable about the procedure. I am nervous! I am not one for pain, and I have enough of it with knee issues, and I know this is only the beginning of potentially painful procedures, but I just want it to be over. That is all. Carry on :)

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Holy PCOS

Well, after fighting the NP about verifying if I have PCOS, I finally had my sonogram this morning... and gosh darnit... they were there... in abundance.

I have PCOS.

There I said it.

I will start back on Metformin after my HSG next Monday and we will get my body into prime condition for ovulation. With that being said, IVF is looking more and more the way we will have to go with our male factor of a low count. I am scared. I am anxious, but I am hopeful. My nurse assured me that our issues are treatable. There are ways to do this and we have great coverage for IVF. Now we wait and see how the second SA goes and see how my HSG goes.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Having a Rough Time

Results are coming in and I am feeling so helpless. In honest words, THIS SUCKS! I never once thought in a million years that a girl with a Mother who is one of 11 and a boy with a Mother who is one of 8 would ever have issues conceiving. It is just absurd.

I know it doesn't work this way, but I just want to know one way or another if we can get pregnant or not. Just needed to vent a little. I have my baseline sonogram tomorrow. We will see how that goes. Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

8 DPO progesterone test results...

The nurse called today with my Prog. results. She said they were at 8.3. She explained that they like to see numbers higher than this for a "good" ovulation to have taken place. They like to see higher than 10.

She then explained that even though my numbers looked down, it still looked like I most likely ovulated, which is good, and if it were a treatment month, I would be given a supplement to help ensure a safe pregnancy, should that occur.

I am trying to feel positive. I keep telling myself the numbers could be worse, and maybe I just ovulate later, which would lead to lower number at day 22. We will see.

Next is waiting for hubby's SA results and then scheduling my u/s. This is an interesting road we are on, but an anxious one at that.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Having the Labs drawn

Today I got into my car and checked my messages. I had a message from the Nurse at Reproductive Medicine saying she had me down for my Progesterone tests today and asking if I had this done yet. I called her, letting her know I was on my way to the office and getting my tests done.

So I got to the office, checked in, and was called back after a short wait. The nurse at my regular office, pulled me in and as I was walking with her, she told me she had some potentially confusing questions. I was like.. Okkkk. They asked if I was having surgery. Apparently my Dr. had ordered blood typing done and that is usually done with surgical patients. It was a big mass of confusion.

After we got that all squared away, they took my blood and I ended up getting the blood type checked, progesterone, Ruebella screening (I think) and the CF screening. Hubby and I decided it was best to know if I am a carrier before we are in any deeper.

Today I learned 2 things:
1. My Reproductive Med Office is on the ball with my testing schedule *sigh of relief*
2. Family Practice Nurses are not used to us lil IF girls coming in for blood tests.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Start of a Journey: What do you mean it isn't that easy?

It all began one February day when I realized I was very much ready to begin trying for a family. It was like a bus hit me. It was that strong of a feeling. So I worked up the courage to tell my wonderful hubby that I was ready if he was, and to my great delight, he was thinking the same thing. We made a plan to start our baby-making journey after my yearly appointment in March. And so we began...

After about 3 months of very timed, precise, and frequent tries in the baby-making department, I began to wonder if all those years ago we were lied to. If you remember, in High School they made getting pregnant sound as easy as standing in the same room as the opposite sex and looking at them sideways... that is all it took to get preggo.

They were wrong!

It has now been a year with no results. Thursday we had our first appointment with our IF Doctor and it went well. The ball is now rolling along and I already have baseline testing set for tomorrow. We are really excited about solving our great mystery, but I am completely nervous as to where this will lead. I told my hubby that I wanted to start a blog about because I didn't always want to have to vent to him. I am trying to save his sanity when mine went fleeing many years ago, as I am a Junior High Teacher.

So 1. Welcome and 2. Thank you for sharing in my story. I am hoping this will be a short stay in the IF world, and if not, I am sure I will meet some great people along the way.