Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I can't believe this is happening... again.

I don't know why the odds are stacked against us like they are. Our Docs brag upon high on how wonderful our embryos are and then when I get them back.... I kill them. This is how I think of it and I know it kills DH. I feel so much guilt. I have a hard time looking DH in the eye and knowing that I am responsible for him not being a Daddy this Christmas. You can say that things happen... but it is Science... I do teach that afterall. My body rejects the embryos, as good as they can be.... I won't accept them. What does that mean? Why?

I have to walk down my halls and see my little kids getting knocked up by other little kids and then pawning the babies off to Grandma. I hate this. I hate my reality right now that so many of my students, jr high kids, will be parents before I will get a chance.

My Mom and Dad had 5 kids and then quit. It was always believed I would be just as fertile, but the truth is, I can't make them the Grandparents that they are dying to be.

My heart hurts so much to know this. We can sugar coat anything, but this is reality. Let's face it.... 2008 has pretty much blown. We had such high hopes of being pregnant after starting treatments in the early spring and now we are at the end with nothing to show by a body drilled with shots, broken, and an empty bank account.

I know I am blessed to have a family that is as supportive as they are and a husband who cannot be described in words.... they wouldn't do him justice... but I just feel awful for what I cannot give them.

1 comment:

les said...

I found your blog by other infertility blogs. I am so sorry for your news. As someone that has gone through infertility and still is...I am praying for you. We went through IVF this past summer and got a negative. we will be trying again this summer. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.