Thursday, January 1, 2009

The end of a year and beginning of a new one

Today has brought out many emotions in me. I feel lost in so many ways, but blessed beyond words. Today I thought I would find myself blissfully pregnant, readying the new year for our baby(ies) to be brought home. We started our ART journey early last spring and I so thought we would be seeing the fruits of our labors by now. However, we are not.

Some moments, I feel broken with barely any energy to continue on this hard road to parenthood. Some moments I have more energy then I know what to do with and throw myself into research and finding ways on making this work. I know by now that a depression lies deep within...twitching its fingers at any moment trying to surface... but I won't let it.

Today I find myself sad, sad for all of what was supposed to be in our perfect minds.... sad for what I don't believe I will ever be. Tonight I see more light in the future. I see Tyler and I happy in the future. Happy together and madly in love. I know I can be happy with just my DH and I know I will be OK with that if that is what will be. I just need to know what that future will look like. That will help.

So with that... I will say this.... This has been one of the hardest years of my life. It has been a year of huge struggles and major emotional war. I have lost so much... embryos, grandparents, friends....all for different reasons, but I have gained just as much if not more. I have wonderful friends who protect me from the loudmouths of the world and make sure I am doing OK at any moment. I have a husband who would move heaven and Earth if he could to make me smile. He is truly amazing. I have a family who is endlessly supportive and I love them dearly. I have so much and it makes me realize that having a baby isn't everything. It would be nice to expand our family, but I am OK with what I have. I love what I have and will cherish it each day.

I hope this finds you well and Happy New Years to you.

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