Some moments, I feel broken with barely any energy to continue on this hard road to parenthood. Some moments I have more energy then I know what to do with and throw myself into research and finding ways on making this work. I know by now that a depression lies deep within...twitching its fingers at any moment trying to surface... but I won't let it.
Today I find myself sad, sad for all of what was supposed to be in our perfect minds.... sad for what I don't believe I will ever be. Tonight I see more light in the future. I see Tyler and I happy in the future. Happy together and madly in love. I know I can be happy with just my DH and I know I will be OK with that if that is what will be. I just need to know what that future will look like. That will help.
So with that... I will say this.... This has been one of the hardest years of my life. It has been a year of huge struggles and major emotional war. I have lost so much... embryos, grandparents, friends....all for different reasons, but I have gained just as much if not more. I have wonderful friends who protect me from the loudmouths of the world and make sure I am doing OK at any moment. I have a husband who would move heaven and Earth if he could to make me smile. He is truly amazing. I have a family who is endlessly supportive and I love them dearly. I have so much and it makes me realize that having a baby isn't everything. It would be nice to expand our family, but I am OK with what I have. I love what I have and will cherish it each day.
I hope this finds you well and Happy New Years to you.