I haven't written too much here lately..... 1. because we have been gone a ton and 2. I feel like I keep repeating myself. After we got our last bfn, I just shut off. I have pretty much removed myself from the process and seem to have thrown in the towel. I don't feel the strength to do more damn treatments. I don't want to miss more work and worry about all that goes with it. I am just done.
I don't know if I will keep feeling done, but my body is tired. I hate not being able to plan anything in our life without worrying about "if" I am doing a treatment and "if" I am pregnant or on bed rest. Right now, I am just not able to handle it. I am tired. I am broken. And I am sure as hell not getting any younger. And this brings up another point.... if fertility dives when you hit 30, what could I possibly have left?
I know I don't have much left. I don't have much of anything left to give to this battle, but I won't let myself stop without putting it all on the table. Some little boy or girl deserves Tyler as a father more than anything, and I just have to get to that point....however it may be.