Friday, August 27, 2010

Mixed Business

I haven't written too much here lately..... 1. because we have been gone a ton and 2. I feel like I keep repeating myself. After we got our last bfn, I just shut off. I have pretty much removed myself from the process and seem to have thrown in the towel. I don't feel the strength to do more damn treatments. I don't want to miss more work and worry about all that goes with it. I am just done. 

I don't know if I will keep feeling done, but my body is tired. I hate not being able to plan anything in our life without worrying about "if" I am doing a treatment and "if" I am pregnant or on bed rest. Right now, I am just not able to handle it. I am tired. I am broken. And I am sure as hell not getting any younger. And this brings up another point.... if fertility dives when you hit 30, what could I possibly have left?

I know I don't have much left. I don't have much of anything left to give to this battle, but I won't let myself stop without putting it all on the table. Some little boy or girl deserves Tyler as a father more than anything, and I just have to get to that point....however it may be.


cjdubs13 said...

I wanted to add that: "Some little boy or girl deserves you as a mother more than anything." I don't know you IRL but have followed your journey and have no words to comfort you. Just know I am sending you lots of T & Ps. IF sucks and I don't wish it upon my worst enemy.

Hannah said...

I'm so sorry to hear your story, I sobed reading all of the details of your sweet baby, brings back memories of my son, Everett born into heaven March 2009.

I am ALSO struggling with infertility. It has been a year of trying. I feel your pain. Be strong. We can do this!!

Anonymous said...

You are and will continue to be a mother, and Tyler a father. You have a beautiful baby girl watching you from heaven, and while sad and tragic that you don't have the privilege of raising her, you have an amazing honor to have Sophia as your daughter.

The two of you WILL have a child one day. Perhaps not by traditional or conventional means. But the world knows that it will happen. But there are children out there who will be beyond lucky to have you two as parents. And when that child is first placed in your arms, all of the drama you've experienced along your journey will be worth it.

t.bird said...

i'm so sorry- and i know there is a child that deserves you guys as parents!

so many t&p's thrown your way!