Lately I have been taking a long hard look at myself. I have come to the conclusion on many things.
1. I have put everything I have had into getting or being pregnant for 3 and a half years now.
2. I have an extremely strong marriage and an angel to show for it. Very bittersweet.
3. My body has changed due to being so pregnant, but I can't talk about it without people being uncomfortable as they look at their child and then look at me with sad eyes, knowing they have something to show for the changes and I don't.
4. I have given up so much for this dream and I feel like I might have lost quite a bit of myself in the travels.
5. I need to stop trying for a good chunk of time and give myself a life for awhile.
6. I hate having to be so god damn strong, but I know that if I weren't, I would be a puddle on the ground of some psych ward.
So yah.....I am looking into a Master's Program. I want to get my Educational Technology degree... Tyler thinks I should get my MBA after seeing me deal with 50 fifty-yr old Frat guys at the game yesterday trying to bully our seats away from us. We have thought about moving. We have thought about so many things. Now it is time to start doing. I have one more IVF left and then I am done. Whether this is done with a surrogate or not, who knows. I don't trust myself enough to get pregnant, and if by some miracle I do, I don't trust myself to keep it through 9 months. Life is like a bingo wheel right now, and I never know what will be called out next.
I am doing ok. I am just fed up. Fed up with being thrown under the bus left and right. Needing good things to come my way and for things to stop being taken away. Thanks for listening.