Sunday, September 12, 2010

Lately

Lately I have been taking a long hard look at myself. I have come to the conclusion on many things. 

1. I have put everything I have had into getting or being pregnant for 3 and a half years now. 
2. I have an extremely strong marriage and an angel to show for it. Very bittersweet. 
3. My body has changed due to being so pregnant, but I can't talk about it without people being uncomfortable as they look at their child and then look at me with sad eyes, knowing they have something to show for the changes and I don't.
4. I have given up so much for this dream and I feel like I might have lost quite a bit of myself in the travels.
5. I need to stop trying for a good chunk of time and give myself a life for awhile. 
6. I hate having to be so god damn strong, but I know that if I weren't, I would be a puddle on the ground of some psych ward. 

So yah.....I am looking into a Master's Program. I want to get my Educational Technology degree... Tyler thinks I should get my MBA after seeing me deal with 50 fifty-yr old Frat guys at the game yesterday trying to bully our seats away from us. We have thought about moving. We have thought about so many things. Now it is time to start doing. I have one more IVF left and then I am done. Whether this is done with a surrogate or not, who knows. I don't trust myself enough to get pregnant, and if by some miracle I do, I don't trust myself to keep it through 9 months. Life is like a bingo wheel right now, and I never know what will be called out next. 


I am doing ok. I am just fed up. Fed up with being thrown under the bus left and right. Needing good things to come my way and for things to stop being taken away. Thanks for listening.

6 comments:

Rachael said...

I'm sorry hon. I understand the feeling of wanting to start "doing" right now. GL with everything!
P.S. I nominated you for an award over on my blog last week :o)

ventingvagina said...

I'm sort of taking some time off to "do" instead of "talk/think" too. I think after all this trying with nothing to show for it you just need to find some space for yourself. Good luck with whatever you decide to do next. I'll be following along.

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog for quite a while now. I started reading before you became pregnant. I'm not going to get into my whole story but I can completely relate - I'll give you a little taste and if you want to talk more you can email me. My husband and I tried and tried and tried and finally after 2 years with fertility help I became pregnant with identical twin girls and I went into labor at 24 weeks. They lived for a little but 24 weeks as you know is only the beginning. If you ever want to talk my email is ericahope330@yahoo.com

cjdubs13 said...

Our TTC break was the best decision we ever made. After our last BFN in January I couldn't do it anymore. I know my struggles are a 1000x different than the loss of your daughter, but the break was such an eye opener for us. We decided not to proceed with IF treatments and are now in the waiting process of adoption. I finally feel like me again and my DH says he got his wife back. Good luck with whatever decision you make. Going back to school will keep you busy but sometimes busy is the best medicine.

Courtney said...

You don't always have to be the strong one. You can always call me and just cry or vent or scream, whatever you need.

You and Tyler should move out to the mountains with Ben and me. I'm serious, you would love it here. :)

I love you so much!

Anonymous said...

L, I'm so sorry. I can really feel your pain and understand the need to start doing things. I'm here ((( hugs ))) Marisa.