Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Seriously, just put me down now. NOW

I will admit it, I am at a low. Never an all-time low, we all know what that was, but a soggy low that is harder than hard to crawl out of. I am angry, bitter, and so incredibly heart-broken. We are coming up on 6 months and I don't even know how to even begin handling that. The Nursery is still in tact. I still go in there when I am upset and sob into the never-used carpet. I am a fucking mess. 

Please don't tell me that I need to go talk to someone. Unless that person has lost a baby that they tried for 2.5 years through IVF, only to lose at 29 weeks.... that person can't truly help me. Sure they can make me talk, or encourage me to get it out, but I still go back to square 1 when the session is over. I know it helps some people, but it just isn't for me. I need time. Yes, I am STILL devastated. I will be for most of my life... that I am almost sure of. 

No, I am not wanting to harm myself. No, you do not have to worry about that. I wouldn't want to put that on you. I just don't know how to get through this in one piece. I used to think that I wanted a baby, but really, I just want Sophia.

I think since starting a new school year, the stress is eating me alive. I miss my kids from last year, because they know what I have gone through and were complete angels when I came back last Spring. I miss them being there for me, like I was for them. Lord knows that is a new one. 

I miss being "normal". Today someone commented on me looking good since losing weight and asked how I had lost so much. I just kind of looked at them. I am sure it didn't look like a nice look. Another co-worker said because I wasn't eating. I said, "you are right, I haven't been eating as much".  Then the first someone asked why? and I just froze. I said I had had a shitty year and she kept going with the whys, and I said that my weight was a result of what happened in the Spring and she then asked, oh that still? I was pretty abrupt, just wanting it to be done. 

I don't like talking about my weight loss unless I am ready to do so. I have tried to be happy about it, but it still is a direct result of death. The person then emailed me later and even though I think she was trying to apologize, she remarked that I had been snippy and went on a bit. 

I don't need that. I am sorry if I came out abrupt, but you hit a very weak spot with me, and I told you as much. I even apologized if I was abrupt and wanted to leave it at that. Please just let it die. *sigh*

I guess I just need some emotional protection. Some interference. I need a filter that does the hard work for me and lets in the safe. I need to be whole again :/


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry... (((HUGE HUGS))) I wish there was more I could say to help you. You and your sweet angel are in my thoughts and prayers.

albjag said...

I"m sorry hon. Take all the time you need to grieve, and anyone who thinks you shouldn't still be devastated deserves a throat punch.
To cancel out that horribly inconsiderate coworker- think instead of all the support you have. I'm sorry you had to deal with that coworker's heartless comments. Stay away from them- you don't need that.
*Hugs* You will be in my thoughts.

Lindsay said...

It is the supporters who keep me from having days like this everyday. ((hugs))

kim said...

I hate that you feel this way. I hate that this has happened to you, one of the sweetest people I "know." All I want to do right now is give you a big ass hug and tell you everything will be OK.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I hate that this happened to you. I hate that you're going through this. And I can't even begin to understand the insensitivity and plain stupidity of your co-worker...WTF??? I wish I could something to alleviate your pain (((hugs))). Marisa

Mellow said...

Someone told me recently that the 6 month mark would be very hard once we got there. We are there right with you and still have the nursery set up as well. I think the hardest part is that to others not going through this, at 6 months it has been forgotten for them. It isn't fresh like it is for us every day. In their minds, they've moved on and wonder why we haven't. All we want is for people to not forget, because that baby was ours and wanted and so precious...a special life that didn't get a chance to live the way we hoped. It sucks, it's the hardest thing we will ever go through, and you have every right to feel like you do; don't apologize for it...everyone grieves in their own way, and yours isn't wrong. We tried for 9 years to have Johnny, and now 6 months later is here, and he is not. There is nothing about that that feels good or healing. I know how you are feeling, and my heart hurts for you. Sorry for the novel here, but I just wanted you to know that you can grieve how you need and for as long as you need. Don't let anyone tell you any different...and your right, we just want sophia (johnny) back, and nothing will change that.

Maggie said...

I'm sorry. I still go in Aidan's room when I'm really down. It's like a safe place for me. I also hated when people said that I looked good after losing weight. I just responded with, "Well not eating because the grief is so strong will do that to a person."

Courtney said...

I still think about you, Tyler, and Sophia everyday. I love you and miss you.

t.bird said...

i'm sorry hon :(

Anonymous said...

Sophia is irreplaceable and she will always and forever be in your heart and part of who you are. Her legacy continues on through you.

As far as insensitive people in the world, they are a dime a dozen out there and they simply will never understand. Don't you dare ever feel like you need to justify yourself to them. They aren't worth the energy.

koyn said...

I am so sorry. ((Hugs)) I can't begin toimagine how you feel. Don't let anyone tell you when you should "move on". I just wish you much peace.

Princess Andy said...

i can't imagine what you are going through, but know that you are not without people who are thinking of you and wishing you peace.

love and kindness,