I will admit it, I am at a low. Never an all-time low, we all know what that was, but a soggy low that is harder than hard to crawl out of. I am angry, bitter, and so incredibly heart-broken. We are coming up on 6 months and I don't even know how to even begin handling that. The Nursery is still in tact. I still go in there when I am upset and sob into the never-used carpet. I am a fucking mess.
Please don't tell me that I need to go talk to someone. Unless that person has lost a baby that they tried for 2.5 years through IVF, only to lose at 29 weeks.... that person can't truly help me. Sure they can make me talk, or encourage me to get it out, but I still go back to square 1 when the session is over. I know it helps some people, but it just isn't for me. I need time. Yes, I am STILL devastated. I will be for most of my life... that I am almost sure of.
No, I am not wanting to harm myself. No, you do not have to worry about that. I wouldn't want to put that on you. I just don't know how to get through this in one piece. I used to think that I wanted a baby, but really, I just want Sophia.
I think since starting a new school year, the stress is eating me alive. I miss my kids from last year, because they know what I have gone through and were complete angels when I came back last Spring. I miss them being there for me, like I was for them. Lord knows that is a new one.
I miss being "normal". Today someone commented on me looking good since losing weight and asked how I had lost so much. I just kind of looked at them. I am sure it didn't look like a nice look. Another co-worker said because I wasn't eating. I said, "you are right, I haven't been eating as much". Then the first someone asked why? and I just froze. I said I had had a shitty year and she kept going with the whys, and I said that my weight was a result of what happened in the Spring and she then asked, oh that still? I was pretty abrupt, just wanting it to be done.
I don't like talking about my weight loss unless I am ready to do so. I have tried to be happy about it, but it still is a direct result of death. The person then emailed me later and even though I think she was trying to apologize, she remarked that I had been snippy and went on a bit.
I don't need that. I am sorry if I came out abrupt, but you hit a very weak spot with me, and I told you as much. I even apologized if I was abrupt and wanted to leave it at that. Please just let it die. *sigh*
I guess I just need some emotional protection. Some interference. I need a filter that does the hard work for me and lets in the safe. I need to be whole again :/