tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15855916226715820482024-02-07T18:43:54.955-06:00It Just Takes Onebut even then, it isn't that easy...Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.comBlogger211125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-3611608839321574062012-09-12T21:45:00.000-05:002012-09-12T21:45:47.122-05:00Moving Over...<div style="text-align: justify;">
Lately, I decided to move to a new blog for the new pregnancy. This blog has been my refuge through IF and losing Sophie and I think I am ready for a new start. Lord knows I will never forget where I have been or where I came from... but part of me just wants to look forward. </div>
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You can find the new blog at <a href="http://dosbambinos.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Dos Bambinos</a>. </div>
Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-16849236012520444442012-08-23T21:05:00.004-05:002012-08-23T21:06:16.125-05:00One heartbeat...two heartbeats.<div class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}" style="text-align: justify;">
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">Soooo....we have dos amigos! It's twins. Baby A had a hb of 150 and Baby B was at 117. :) We have taken the past week to get used to the idea. We are both thrilled with the news. Much work to be done, but for right now, we have healthy babies. I go back in for my next u/s on 9/4. Til then... one day at a time. :)</span></span></div>
Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-83274985324079866822012-08-03T16:31:00.001-05:002012-08-03T16:31:19.626-05:00I have been keeping a secret...<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>If you know me outside of my blog, please don't let this out. We are being very quiet about this until we can figure out how to handle being pregnant again. Thanks :) </i></span></div>
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It appears as though IVF #7 has worked. I am pregnant. :) The last couple of weeks have been pretty rough. It started after our ER. I got bloated pretty bad, but by about our ET, I was feeling better and by the weekend, things were back to normal. Monday morning, I woke up and was feeling back to bloated and I was really queasy. Curious.... Tuesday it was worse.... and this was while I was in training at School. Wednesday I started having a hard time breathing because of the bloat, and by Thursday, I had fullblown OHSS. In fact, I was feeling so bloated, I knew at that point that if I took a test it would come up positive....and it did. 3weeks4days and I knew :)</div>
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Thursday also meant that I called my RE to talk about OHSS. The pain was incredible. My stomach was so tight and I was just miserable. They got me all set up for testing Friday morning, which was to be my Beta Day. I ended up sleeping in the recliner and made it through the night, but not without thinking I might end up in the Emergency Room. </div>
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Friday morning, I set out for the Clinic. At 11, I had my blood drawn and by noon I had had an u/s to check fluid levels and another blood draw. They had me set up in a recliner in the office. I was going to have to be drained.... Off to the hospital I went.</div>
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7 hours after heading out for a quick blood draw, I got back home. I had 2 IV bags of fluid. I had 850ml drained from my stomach and I felt so much better. Tyler came with me and I think I about squeezed his hand off during the procedure. We also found out that our beta came back at 134 at 9dp3dt, which is a very strong number.</div>
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We have since had 3 more betas and all is looking very good. We go in for our ultrasound on the 15th. Until then.... one day at a time. </div>
<br />Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-5469209576502684672012-07-21T08:33:00.000-05:002012-07-21T08:33:34.340-05:00If 3 doesn't do it, maybe 4 will....<div style="text-align: justify;">
Got the call this morning that we had 4 very nice blastocysts make it to freeze. The embryologist said they looked very nice. Sometimes, it is nice to know that there could be a plan B if needed.... even though we all know how our frozen cycles go. But 4, 4 I will take. </div>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-77377630489533728122012-07-19T19:20:00.003-05:002012-07-19T19:20:58.310-05:00Night Moves<div style="text-align: justify;">
Transfer happened after 9pm est last night. Weird timing, but that is what happens when your RE is shared between his own clinic and 2 others. He is a popular man. We transferred beautiful embies and had a pretty easy time of it. I even won the award for Fullest Bladder... an award I do not recommend aspiring to receive. </div>
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We also found out that all but one of our embies were still growing very well. We are really happy with the results. </div>
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Now we will see what this brings us... fingers and toes crossed!</div>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-83755334987740802782012-07-16T17:24:00.000-05:002012-07-19T19:21:14.886-05:00Fert Report<div style="text-align: justify;">
Got the word today that all 13 eggs were mature and 10 fertilized! This is wonderful news. Somehow the double-digits just put your mind at ease. Transfer is going to be Wednesday night.... yes, night. My RE is actually here in town on Wednesday and not 2 hours away from us at his lab, so we will transfer when he gets back for the day. Crazy times! It does mean we get to go over early for Cheesecake Factory! :) </div>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-60181952450655020442012-07-15T20:00:00.000-05:002012-07-16T12:02:09.539-05:00Sunday Calling<div style="text-align: justify;">
5:45am came very early, especially when it was truly 4:45am my time and our hotel was craptastic with lots of noise through 1am. After we left the hotel, things... well, things kept going :)</div>
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We got settled in to the new location and immediately missed the old IVF lab. The newbies at this lab didn't know what they were missing. We got paperwork filled out and I got brought back to my room. My IV didn't go too hot, which had been the topic of the week. The first IV site lead to my hand filling with liquid and looking like an alien was trying to burst out. The second IV site gave nothing and then another lady was brought in who finally got my arm all set up.</div>
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I set about to cracking my jokes. (it's the only way I can get through all this) and gave my RE a hard time for having flip flops on and running late. (His daughter ran his gas tank down the night before) Got brought back to the ER room and placed an order for a cheeseburger and fries with the embryologist through the lab window.... and I was out :)</div>
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Woke up to 13 eggs being retrieved. He couldn't reach them all, so I am not sure how many were missed. We are happy with 13 though. Seems like a lucky number. :)</div>
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I have been sick all day with nausea and dizziness so I have stopped my pain meds. Hoping this helps!</div>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-3147244756086387122012-07-13T22:00:00.000-05:002012-07-16T09:53:28.393-05:00Happy Hour Trigger<div style="text-align: justify;">
Got the call this afternoon that we would be doing a 6:30pm trigger. We had plans to go to our local Happy Hour before heading out of town, which means we would be adding to our list of funny places to do shots. </div>
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The time comes and I have DH follow me into the women's bathroom with my makeshift cooler in my purse. We are getting ready to inject and the door handle starts to jiggle. We die laughing. DH even starts making noises, which was killing me. We finish up and I open the door. Funny thing is, we know the girl on the other side. I say Hi and move on. After I move, I hear "ohh!" when DH is framed in the door. :) Ha! Oh well, we <i>were</i> making a baby :)</div>
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Retrieval is Sunday morning!</div>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-75499765414035319982012-07-13T10:00:00.000-05:002012-07-15T21:14:34.631-05:00Stim Check #3Everything looks great. We have 26 measurable follies all in a range from 20-9. Looking at over a dozen eggs when the time comes. Will get the call this afternoon when trigger will be. E2 is over 4000. :)Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-74333323787616338792012-07-11T10:00:00.000-05:002012-07-15T21:09:05.284-05:00Stim Check #2We find ourselves with about 12 on the right and 7 on the left. E2 is about 2212. Looking at follies anywhere from 18 and down. Not quite ready yet. Will be coasting from here on out and getting a check again on Friday!Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-3177035521877347562012-07-09T12:05:00.002-05:002012-07-09T12:05:26.690-05:00Stim Check #1<div style="text-align: justify;">
This morning I had my first progress check to see how my follicle counts are going. This will be day 7 of stims. So far we know that the right side has about 10 follies and the left has 5 that are measurable. I am happy with this. Estradiol seems to be at about 1200. Nurse seems happy with things and I should hear back this afternoon so see what the plan is. </div>
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My MFM appointment went well on Friday, as well. She gave me some options that I am mulling over for plan of care, if I should become pregnant. Also, she was willing to listen and try to understand where I was coming from, which meant the most. I feel so much better after that appointment. The bad thing is, she is leaving my Clinic after mid-August. So we will see how that affects things. Right now there is about a 30-70% chance of recurrence, which I am not too hip on, but we know so much more this time than we did before. That lovely hindsight should help. </div>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-88148299932075638522012-07-05T18:30:00.000-05:002012-07-05T18:30:00.680-05:00Not amused.<div style="text-align: justify;">
So our a/c just went out. The ducts were blowing out 90degree air. I will just say that this is the cruelest trick to play on a woman taking Lupron and having hot flashes like they are going out of style. <br /><br />Not amused! I see our favorite neighborhood bar in our very near future. </div>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-24784502969411415422012-07-05T08:04:00.001-05:002012-07-05T08:04:16.099-05:00Guarded<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is Day 3 of Stims. My RE is stimming me hard this time, knowing I will not be doing another fresh cycle and I find myself truly guarded during this cycle. I am not allowing myself to feel much about anything. I don't think I can.</div>
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Yesterday, I was talking to Tyler and I decided that I was truly more scared of this working than if it didn't. I know in my heart of hearts that if this doesn't pan out, we will be ok. We are a fantastic couple. We love to spend time together and be together. A baby, or lack thereof, is not going to change that. Now, on the other hand, if it does work.....</div>
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Friday, I have an appointment with my MFM to go over a game plan as to if this work. I need to know what they are going to do to keep me safe and our bab(y/ies) safe. Truly, I am scared shitless of the same scenario playing out. I need to know that I am going to be taken care of. *sigh* The fun is almost starting :)</div>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-24679701977702511022012-06-08T09:03:00.001-05:002012-06-08T09:03:11.468-05:00Forget how much it hurts and try again...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlOrYqPzV-DR6XkOs1HGDmN_FJ5frLT5CBOuUclOlRIOvmYMROzhoZq8O6zuez4H28AcdJxUUuIp_J7hoqQT_9ppcscd6mzPFzIpwZimG4FITc1axdcSfEv6BUKUgwZlumTBlBe_JaZkqE/s1600/butterfly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlOrYqPzV-DR6XkOs1HGDmN_FJ5frLT5CBOuUclOlRIOvmYMROzhoZq8O6zuez4H28AcdJxUUuIp_J7hoqQT_9ppcscd6mzPFzIpwZimG4FITc1axdcSfEv6BUKUgwZlumTBlBe_JaZkqE/s400/butterfly.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Yesterday was the start of our last fresh IVF. I had bloodwork drawn, a baseline u/s and everything looks good to go. It took us a long time to get to this point. I am still unsure of where we are and what we are truly doing. My heart is torn, one missing Sophia, the other feeling bad for trying to replace what we miss so very much.</div>
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My medical team... yes, I have a team, are very much behind us in every way. They are ultra protective and only want to see us come home with a bundle of joy. I have a wonderful community of ladies who are rooting for us in every way, and our families are on high alert, hoping and wishing us all the best.</div>
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So it is... Game on! </div>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-45383198285415565412012-05-13T08:31:00.002-05:002012-05-13T08:31:17.534-05:00My Shoes<h4 style="font-weight: normal;">
<i>I found this today and felt compelled to post it. Mother's Day is so very hard for me to cope with. I wish nothing but the very best for all the varieties of Mothers out there, but today, I hide like it is my job. ((hugs))</i></h4>
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<b>My Shoes </b><br />
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I am wearing a pair of shoes. <br />They are ugly shoes. <br />Uncomfortable shoes. <br />I hate my shoes.<br />Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. <br />
<br />Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. <br />Yet, I continue to wear them. <br />I get funny looks wearing these shoes. <br />They are looks of sympathy. <br />
<br />I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. <br />They never talk about my shoes. <br />To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. <br />To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. <br />But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. <br />
<br />I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. <br />There are many pairs in this world. <br />Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. <br />Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. <br />Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. <br />
<br />No woman deserves to wear these shoes. <br />Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. <br />These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. <br />They have made me who I am. <br />
<br />I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-71535911857616799942012-04-03T17:31:00.001-05:002012-04-03T17:31:23.603-05:00Another Year Gone<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh88ACi-auLeFRLEJvz1bwJOkaktVKUPpHtN2K85Y1rWX0RSkcfxNEgonqBRgEo2VirgAO-XXpK9L3PoBBf4OByJHXanyFJXpkSGsfOX_L7D1-8d0w7RlRe5vkvSGn8lg26WQz9-mAMscb6/s1600/460274_2915252316928_1129291026_32078287_1646110753_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh88ACi-auLeFRLEJvz1bwJOkaktVKUPpHtN2K85Y1rWX0RSkcfxNEgonqBRgEo2VirgAO-XXpK9L3PoBBf4OByJHXanyFJXpkSGsfOX_L7D1-8d0w7RlRe5vkvSGn8lg26WQz9-mAMscb6/s320/460274_2915252316928_1129291026_32078287_1646110753_o.jpg" width="191" /></a></div>
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Today marks 2 years since we said goodbye to Sophia. I have been struggling to find profound words to how my life has turned out, but strangely, I am feeling quiet.<br />
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Her weeping redbud has bloomed and greeted us back from a trip with great beauty. My school staff was able to raise $150 on Jeans for a Cause day that was donated to March of Dimes in her honor.<br />
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I am trying. I am trying with all my might to make it through. Today is Tyler's birthday, too, and I am concentrating on making him as happy as I can. It is what I have to do to get through. So here comes good food, good drinks and good friends.<br />
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If I can't have my baby home, I will try to live happy in her honor. Thanks for checking in. We're still kicking.Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-43672388384918646532012-02-18T14:52:00.000-06:002012-02-18T14:52:48.913-06:00Broken.<div style="text-align: justify;">That might be the best way to describe myself lately. I have been keeping to myself, fighting this nagging feeling of slipping into a deep, cold depression. You would think that after almost 2 years, things would be better for us, and they were.... until December. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">On November 19th, I turned 30, in the midst of a surprise birthday party thrown by my husband. The following weekend, I "ran" my first 5k. I had been on some major meds to deal with a back injury from breaking up a fight at school, so my 5k was really a slow jog and even slower walk with my brother going along for the ride. I just didn't feel right. It was Thanksgiving weekend and I was tired and just worn out...more than usual. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">The Monday after Turkey Day, I realized that I was more than a week late. With my surprise birthday party and Thanksgiving all happening, I just didn't really think about it until we got home. So Monday after work, I made an idiot out of myself and bought a few hpts... except I wasn't an idiot. I was pregnant. Naturally. As in this will never happen by itself naturally. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">And in one second, we were acting like happily expecting parents... again. The next day, I had my blood drawn and the beta came back in the 170s. It was an ok number, but I felt like it should be higher, thinking I was more than 5 weeks at that point. My second beta rose, but not enough. And then it rose again and again, but never doubling. I was having an ectopic pregnancy. Our Christmas Party was the day we found out that the pregnancy was not viable. I had to put on my happy face and act like everything was fantastic, hosting 30 of our coworkers and friends, all the while dying inside. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">We have been told that the chances that this happened are something like less than 5%. The likelihood of it happening again is even less. The people that know were encouraged that it happened on its own and could again, but we know it most likely never will. At first, I wanted to get right back to the RE and do another IVF, but now I just don't know. That damn dangling carrot killed us. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I don't understand why I would get pregnant naturally, after everything we have been through, only to have to go through a miscarriage. We were so incredibly happy in the few days where we thought everything was ok. We allowed ourselves to be happy and excited and then life happened.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">We didn't tell many, knowing that Christmas was right around the corner and not wanting to bring others down. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Today, I am struggling. Struggling at making a decision to try again. If I am being honest, I don't know how much more I can lose. I am so incredibly taken care of in so many other aspects of life, but this just leaves a hole in my heart like no other. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">If I didn't tell you, it was because I didn't want you to hurt for us more than you have already. Honestly, this hurt, but nothing can compare to losing Sophia. I guess I just felt like I needed to write this out. Not for comments or sympathy. Just for me. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
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</div>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-60819283357198159342012-02-07T06:31:00.003-06:002012-02-13T18:58:41.277-06:00Never have words been so true...<h1 class="entry-title"> <span style="font-size: x-small;">Taken from <a href="http://smallbirdstudios.com/2012/02/05/when-you-lose-a-baby/">Small Bird Studios </a></span></h1><h1 class="entry-title"><span style="font-size: small;"> When You Lose a Baby</span></h1><div class="post-info"><span class="date published time" title="2012-02-05T06:00:51+00:00">February 5, 2012</span> By <span class="author vcard"><span class="fn"><a class="fn n" href="http://smallbirdstudios.com/author/admin/" rel="author" title="Franchesca">Franchesca</a></span></span> </div><div class="post-info"><span class="post-comments"><br />
</span> </div>You don’t know what to expect.<br />
People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.<br />
You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.<br />
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You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.<br />
And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.<br />
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You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.<br />
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It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.<br />
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You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.<br />
You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.<br />
The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single.<b> </b>part.<br />
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Forever.<br />
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You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.<br />
You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.<br />
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You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.<br />
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You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.<br />
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You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.<br />
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Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.<br />
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You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.<br />
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You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.<br />
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You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.<br />
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Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.<br />
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People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.<br />
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You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.<br />
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There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.<br />
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You lose friends. You find new ones.<br />
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You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.<br />
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You would do anything for another minute with your child.<br />
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You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.<br />
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You long for the rewind button, even after many <i>many</i> instances of acceptance.<br />
You want to know what went wrong, and why…<br />
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You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.<br />
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You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.<br />
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You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.<br />
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You learn to live with the pain.<br />
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You are better for having known them at all.Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-60699569186887372722011-11-06T20:37:00.000-06:002011-11-06T20:37:01.646-06:00November Ballot<div style="text-align: justify;">
There is a bill in MS that is threatening the fidelity of IVF and other ART Treatments. Please read up and empower yourselves on the legislation that is coming into different states around us. </div>
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<a href="http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/mississippi-initiative-26.html">http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/mississippi-initiative-26.html</a></div>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-5371166183058714692011-11-05T20:24:00.000-05:002011-11-05T20:24:10.082-05:0030<div style="text-align: justify;">
In two weeks I turn the big 3-0. I always thought I would have a child or two by now. We would be a cute little family doing all kinds of crazy things. But we know the truth... we have a daughter who is no longer with us and we are no closer to having a family of our own.</div>
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I think if going through this has taught me anything, it is to take everything else with a grain of salt. You know some say to not let something like a tragedy define you, but it is hard for a loss of this magnitude not to.<br />
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And it doesn't even mean that I am defining myself, but so many others are. We are figuring out who truly has our best interests at heart and who is uncomfortable with what we have gone through and can't stand to be bothered by it or us. That can hurt, but I have to take it for face value.<br />
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Any more, as things happen, I think to myself "if I am making it through being without Sophie, I can make it through this". Let's be honest. Most things in life are small peanuts. I think it just takes a certain kind of event in your life for you to truly see what the size of those peanuts are.<br />
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There are days when 30 is staring me in the face and smacks me a few times, but for the most part, it is just a number and I think I look pretty good for 30. I am proud of where I am today. I didn't give in to depression. I didn't completely crumble and blame anything and everything on what we went through. I have worked incessantly on keeping weight off and I am doing it. These are the things that I can control right now and I need to be able to do that. If this is what I have, then this is what I have and I learning day by day that that is ok.Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-86657409905621205552011-10-14T13:13:00.001-05:002011-10-14T13:13:23.278-05:006 months more...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQwUvxc46LcRwHZMiEW9h7n_jM7apRwKSB50g42zSXlcQ3kgErmoPhQ1CK1mr1NXM6VAUW_Ed3xgqodQ3PuS8BpyMyDMa_wGJhFhebFB21Hsoc1jusXWPtgSAAZNQ2Ao-Rg9RArPLp6UoY/s1600/lantern-floating-hawaii.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQwUvxc46LcRwHZMiEW9h7n_jM7apRwKSB50g42zSXlcQ3kgErmoPhQ1CK1mr1NXM6VAUW_Ed3xgqodQ3PuS8BpyMyDMa_wGJhFhebFB21Hsoc1jusXWPtgSAAZNQ2Ao-Rg9RArPLp6UoY/s1600/lantern-floating-hawaii.jpg" /></a></div>
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More than 6 months have gone by and I have stayed quiet. Quiet with my blog. Quiet with my family. Quiet with my friends. I am still hurting. I hurt everyday knowing what I am missing and I don't know if that will ever stop. </div>
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Tomorrow marks the Baby Loss - Infant Loss Remembrance Day. October is a hard month. It marks a half year since losing Sophia and it also marks when we found out we were pregnant. I try not to harp on those days, but they are there. </div>
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But today, I would like to remember my little girl. She gave me the greatest joy I have experienced and is a daily reminder of Tyler and my love for each other. Without her, I would never know just how strong I can be or what I can handle. After losing Sophia, everything else just seems like peanuts. Life goes on and I am trying to embrace that. Some days are much easier than others, but when isn't that true? </div>
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If there is anyone still out there reading this after my huge lapses in posts, thank you. It helps knowing someone is there to listen. (hugs)</div>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-87537727453195961382011-04-03T20:58:00.000-05:002011-04-03T20:58:14.834-05:00Our Weeping Redbud<div style="text-align: justify;">Appropriately named Heart breaker, this weeping redbud now graces our front yard in memory of our sweet baby girl. We picked it out last weekend and planted it yesterday. Redbuds are one of the earliest to bloom and I know that I need to see some goodness as soon as I can get it come Springtime. Missing her....but remembering her more than anything. Holding her close in my heart. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI_v7RTI2p6J9HbFjdSlSDoAtkt4RHURV7zOfLLkkRYJfc324JfrVLS7Vgg10x1tH9pIyfpvPCM2i93NCQzWnnNo-71BWgSDfNZO4UUyM7q9SS4wkVKBetPljbC3djy4TjkDE3djj-ydGT/s1600/tree1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI_v7RTI2p6J9HbFjdSlSDoAtkt4RHURV7zOfLLkkRYJfc324JfrVLS7Vgg10x1tH9pIyfpvPCM2i93NCQzWnnNo-71BWgSDfNZO4UUyM7q9SS4wkVKBetPljbC3djy4TjkDE3djj-ydGT/s320/tree1.gif" width="213" /></a></div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAi3p9_ElP6A_t7TiwTUxCIpi2S3KMvA_jJgpjQFhFk7zOjTyAG7hx_OySljvPN_6ROhpwoHrtwUwjUdzZkSmyYD5KUHw4Kn4-0lPC9GaaUF7nw8tNQG6hKp2AJATnDN17pyzP9kdegFri/s1600/tree4.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAi3p9_ElP6A_t7TiwTUxCIpi2S3KMvA_jJgpjQFhFk7zOjTyAG7hx_OySljvPN_6ROhpwoHrtwUwjUdzZkSmyYD5KUHw4Kn4-0lPC9GaaUF7nw8tNQG6hKp2AJATnDN17pyzP9kdegFri/s320/tree4.gif" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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</div>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-62380395938899460012011-04-03T18:28:00.000-05:002011-04-03T18:28:36.531-05:00Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoiHtmxPMr2lIgSswbIlCkXQhIZpFNCczKgSWPcIn9YGLqEtx6nsxUzOkfBhD_-h_SDLarXskadKNdXYZcrCDmvtJ4UkMcgGYLqASXIkXUa_m5kBfhhcFatTkP90zgbMm3YXY0Dr2cH74R/s1600/cupcake.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoiHtmxPMr2lIgSswbIlCkXQhIZpFNCczKgSWPcIn9YGLqEtx6nsxUzOkfBhD_-h_SDLarXskadKNdXYZcrCDmvtJ4UkMcgGYLqASXIkXUa_m5kBfhhcFatTkP90zgbMm3YXY0Dr2cH74R/s200/cupcake.jpg" width="127" /><br />
</a></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Today marks one year since our little girl passed away. I honestly have gotten through it ok, but not without some Zoloft, tons of support from family and friends and unending love from my husband. It is easy to sit here and think of everything that <i>should </i>be, but that doesn't change anything. Instead of giving in to our grief, we honored our daughter by planting a tree in her memory. It truly is beautiful. Strong, Straight. Small. Planted with love. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">So today I say happy birthday, Sophie. You are loved more and more each day by so many people and you share your birthday with your Daddy, who is one of the strongest people on this Earth. We love you so much and think about you. every. single. day. Miss you and love you. </div>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-22640265545130488892011-03-31T19:25:00.001-05:002011-04-03T20:53:29.203-05:00A year is almost gone.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrkVg0cT0Cngqr93kO8UaKHwlx8P8N8taVSrMsb3EqG187DVHohmy-I6aMNsfRKYIJR7hKe3YAPGAvuiP34u5e5ZvlCm-x8HGiYKs1f-HV_oggAonOH3Q62OJNfpApLs7_GCRqC4fgAQZg/s1600/float2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrkVg0cT0Cngqr93kO8UaKHwlx8P8N8taVSrMsb3EqG187DVHohmy-I6aMNsfRKYIJR7hKe3YAPGAvuiP34u5e5ZvlCm-x8HGiYKs1f-HV_oggAonOH3Q62OJNfpApLs7_GCRqC4fgAQZg/s320/float2.png" width="213" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;">Today is so incredibly hard to pay attention. I am thinking of Sophia, reliving those last few days where I still thought our dream was coming true. Today I question exactly what I was feeling and what I wasn't. For a long time after delivering, my body would trick me into thinking I was feeling her, even after she was gone. So now, I question, but not too much. There are some questions I do not want the answers to. It would be too much.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;">Some days, it is all too much, but most days I seem to be in a fog of sorts. Not really all the way present or gone, just there. When I think back to all that we have been through, it truly is amazing that we are still going. No one should ever have to decide how to handle their child's remains. We did this with heavy hearts, but in a way that was best for us, not worrying about what others thought. For us, we knew we had to be private, if only for self-preservation. There was no way either of us could handle going through a public visitation. We thought hard and not having strong roots to the area, we decided that if we were to cremate Sophia's remains, we could keep a part of her with us wherever we ended up. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;">Our funeral home director took care of all of the details. This was at no cost to us. We found that many places actually waive costs when dealing with infant death. He walked us through the process and our choices and gave us a catalog to choose her urn from. We knew the ashes would be a small amount and that helped lead us to a tiny urn. The urn we were drawn to was made of blown glass and styled in the colors of the four different seasons. This in itself drew out discussion. Sophia was due in the Summer, but came in the Spring. Which one would work better? Which did we like better?</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;">In the end, we both chose a beautiful green and yellow colored urn that was a gorgeous representation of Spring. We also chose to keep some of her ashes separate, to be scattered later. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;">The location of our scatter site came from Tyler. The morning after we met with the funeral director, he mentioned wanting to go to the Ocean. There is a place in Florida that we visit almost yearly on the coast. We had gone on a yacht sail the last time we were there, the year before, and knew the Captain had spread ashes before, and that is how we decided. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;">So no visitation. No burial. No public mourning. Just something both quiet and private that allowed the two of us to keep it together. We brought home our daughter's beautiful urn and made the plans for going to Florida to place her ashes in the Ocean. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;">This happened in August of last year. We booked our condo for a week and headed down the 17 hours. I was a bit nutty about keeping Sophia's box safe. When we stopped for the night, I took her box into the hotel room with us. I know...even though she is gone, I still felt like I had to protect her. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;">The Tuesday of our trip, August 17, we took the sailboat out on the Atlantic Ocean and with her ashes tied to a bouquet of flowers, we held hands and released our Sophia Marie to the Sea. The moment was both beautiful and heart-wrenching at the same time. Tyler had our GPS and was able to capture the exact coordinates for the release. We cried. We hugged. We mourned, but our beautiful little girl was in a good place. A place we can visit again.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv0YUD6025rVdW9gxnN0Ruqh3WVA4zQjDNr_YrFuM7LYT6uLxJMZcFMNHEzC-WLsDHpkTKehT6BOOj6pmMSU0KG2ub8Da9U5aA__NoU7pIGI092kMlK6iLA8wDfU0-nHihzYd1NzpAT4hH/s1600/float.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv0YUD6025rVdW9gxnN0Ruqh3WVA4zQjDNr_YrFuM7LYT6uLxJMZcFMNHEzC-WLsDHpkTKehT6BOOj6pmMSU0KG2ub8Da9U5aA__NoU7pIGI092kMlK6iLA8wDfU0-nHihzYd1NzpAT4hH/s320/float.png" width="320" /></a></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;">Today that brings me peace. I know that Sophia is all throughout the Ocean, a place her father and I adore. Now anytime I go to the Sea, I feel her presence, and that is what I need. We both do.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;">Many days, it does not feel like a year has passed. Many days, it does not feel like I was ever even pregnant. I am so different today that who I was a year ago. I look different, feel different, act different. My feelings are more muted. I am much more guarded as a person. I am quieter and less outgoing. I am much smaller than I was and I struggle to keep a good body image and healthy view of myself. I have changed. I will never be the same person that I was a year ago. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: small;">My daughter and her short life changed me forever. She made me a mother and I am forever grateful and thankful for that. Sophia Marie, Mommy loves you so very much. You are always on my mind and in my heart. </span></div>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585591622671582048.post-58983765488988101172011-03-30T19:24:00.000-05:002011-03-30T19:24:36.229-05:00Still breathing....That is all. <3Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03618868375878476153noreply@blogger.com5