Thursday, August 7, 2008


Today has been the hardest day of my life. I have been through a lot in my 26 years, but really nothing touches this. I feel such loss. I feel like I didn't do enough to protect my little ones. My heart is in a million pieces and I don't know how to get away from that feeling.

The morning started out good enough. I woke up at 6, nice and early. I was bound and determined to have a fairy tale discovery, me coming out of the bathroom with a huge grin on my face with lots of happy tears and plans for the future.

Well I went in and did the test and then came back out to wait the 3-4 minutes with Ty. After the time was up, I hesitantly went back in and saw NOT PREGNANT on the screen. I turned around and Ty was right there with the hopeful look on his face and I melted into him, unable to say the words. He knew as soon as he saw me. He pulled me back to bed and held me as I broke, crying until it hurt.

After a couple of hours, Ty had to get to work for a conference call and I fell back to sleep. I woke up to a check in from my hubby, making sure I was ok. He was really worried about leaving me, but I knew he would check in as much as possible. He encouraged me head to the lab for my Beta, so I rolled out of bed, threw on clothes and went in to the lab. I was in a daze. The girl checking me in said something about this being a great thing.... the girl taking my blood was in training and trying to be all happy. I didn't want to smile. I always put on a happy face for people, and I did not today. I knew the results before they did. I don't care if I came across as being rude, and normally this is not me.

I drove back home, not remembering the drive at all, which is kind of scary. I went to the couch and sat with my Mac and messaged back and forth with Ty all morning. He was keeping me going, and I think he was relieved that I was at least responsive. I broke down all morning. I saw the picture of our embies on the fridge and mourned them. I was a sad sight.

My mom called around 1 to check in. I had told her not to call, but I think she knew when I didn't call all happy in the morning. I told her that the hpt was negative and that I hadn't gotten the call from the lab, but I knew. We cried and she wished she were here. So did I.

I got off the phone with her and then got the call from the lab. Negatory.

I just don't understand why. It is hard enough dealing with not conceiving naturally, but to then fail again after spending so much time and money on this cycle. I was a human pin cushion. Over 40 shots, hundreds of pills, surgery and procedures, I am back to square one.

I am raw inside, but coping. I just keep wishing for what I can't have. I want my embies back.


Mel ~ Psyched for Baby said...

This was me a week ago. We just came off of IVF cycle #1 with a painful negative beta.

Silly me, I didn't even test at home first. That was my biggest mistake.

I hope the days get easier for you. It's been a rough week for us, but each day is gradually getting better. Hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

This was me too, three weeks ago, and I couldn't agree with Mel more. It's very hard at first but each day it gets a tiny bit easier and next thing you know you will be getting ready to try again. Hang in there and take care of yourself.