Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I miss being pregnant.

I miss everything about it. I miss my growing bump and my kicking little girl. I miss being happy and excited. Not many people know this, but I pretty much threw up every morning and night of my first trimester. It was how I knew our IVF had worked. I embraced that. Got sick, moved on. It was what I had to do. I didn't complain about it. I did what I had to do. I would do anything to still have those symptoms. I would do anything to have all of that back and not see pain in my Husband's eyes.

It is so hard to not feel like a failure in all of this. I was supposed to be able to keep her safe and I did for so long. I just don't understand what happened. We were so close this time. So close.

13 comments:

jessica56 said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I have been reading your blog for a while and haven't commented- but my heart goes out to you and your family. I am just so sorry for what you have been through and continue to go through. Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I came here hoping to read more updates but certainly not this one. I'm tearful and heartbroken for you and your husband. Hopefully you can find comfort in one another as well as your family and friends. You both will be in my prayers.

Rachael said...

Whatever you do, don't take away from this that it was your fault or that you failed. You did the best you could and you loved her with all your heart. There's nothing more you could have done. You're in my prayers.

gringa78 said...

(((((HUGS))))))

Britt said...

I am so sorry. I understand that feeling of missing pregnancy...even all the things most women complain about! (I would give just about anything to have more stretch marks form Ella Grace) You did not fail and I am sorry you are feeling this way. Words aren't helpful, I know, but know you are in my prayers!

Jessica said...

I'm so sad to hear about the loss of your beautiful Sophia Marie. Sending you and your husband many thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry. So incredibly sorry. This is the worst thing that can happen to anyone. You are in my thoughts.

Mrs.Spit said...

I'm so sorry. There are no easy answers. If loving our babies was the only thing required to keep them safe, they would still be with us.

I'm sorry that Sophia couldn't stay.

Mrs. Spit.
LFCA

k@lakly said...

Here from LFCA. I am so sorry about your daughter. I lost a son at 23 weeks in September of 2007. I found a virtual lifeline of support and understanding here in the blogs. I hope the same for you. There are many, many moms who are dealing with the same loss and who will be here with you as you walk this road. Know that you will never be alone.
Thinking of you, your husband and your daughter.

G$ said...

My heart hurts for your loss. You, your husband and Sophia are in my thoughts.

Chickenpig said...

I'm so terribly sorry. No one should ever have this happen to them. Please be kind to yourself. Sophia didn't die because of anything you did or didn't do. You are in my thoughts.

LFCA

Ceejay said...

I am devastated for your loss. I can't imagine the heartbreak. You're in my prayers!

AKD said...

Here from LFCA, and just wanted to pour out love for you. I am so sorry for your loss - our daughter was stillborn at 21w3d after IVF, and I know how incredibly hard it is. Please take care of yourself - hugs and love to you.