Thursday, April 29, 2010

Follow up Appointment

Today was my follow up with my OB and it went ok. My blood pressure is back down and I have moved from 3 times a day to 2 times a day, working towards getting me completely off the meds. Today, I also got my appointment with the MFM for June 1st. I will go in, in 3 weeks, for repeat blood tests to go over with the MFM and I want to thoroughly go over what would be if I were to try to get pregnant again and succeed. I want to make sure all of our bases are covered.

I guess that brings up the question "Will we try again?" To be honest, I just don't know if I will ever be able to bring myself to it again. It makes me so sad to know that I will never experience the happiness of pregnancy in its fullest again. I know if I do happen upon a positive procedure, that my nerves will be completely shot for however long I end up expecting. It is a completely pessimistic look at it all, but that is where I am right now, and that is ok.

I hurt. I hurt more than I can possibly put into words and I am not ok. I will tell you I am. I will put on a brave face, but I'm not. I am surviving. I think that is the best way I can put it. Some days I smile. Some days I laugh. Some days I leave the house and others I stay on my couch. I am surviving and that is all I can do right now. Yes, I know I should see a professional, and I have been since this happened, but no matter what she can say or get me to see, I still hurt. It is normal and it will be for as long as I need it to be. I lost my daughter just as I was getting to really know her, and no amount of words is going to change that. This is my grief.


Molly said...

Hi Lindsay, I am sure that you will be worried the whole time with your next pregnancy (i hope it will happen) I never experienced loss like yours (I had a different kind), but I still worried the whole time. I think it's natural to worry and I didnt fight it, I just let it happen. Perhaps you will learn more about what happened to your precious baby and your doctor will be able to point the stats for the consecutive pregnancy so that will give you some idea ....

Lara + Chris said...

I am so sorry. I do understand these feelings. I feel like if I tell people how I REALLY feel they will think there's something wrong with me, so I put on the mask too. I want to be pregnant and have a baby so badly, but I'm terrified. I think of going through this again and I couldn't...I don't know what would happen to me if I had to. Sigh.

Marisa said...

Oh Lindsay, I can really feel your pain through your words. Honey, I'm so sorry. I know the fear of trying again...that fear can be paralyzing. Your feelings and thoughts are totally natural and normal but I totally understand about the mask (I wore one for a long time).
Big hugs,

kim said...