Thursday, December 30, 2010


I am not in bed bawling my eyes out as this year ends, and maybe I should be. I am really struggling with not feeling guilty over being somewhat functional right now. In a year that started out as the best of my life, it has ended as the worst, but yet, I am still breathing, trying to live life so my DH can heal, too. I know that if I were to give in to everything that is weighing on my tired shoulders, I would gain 50 pounds and never get out of bed again.

As I spend time with my niece, who is the exact age as Sophia should be, I wonder how I can even manage to get up each day. When I look at my daughter's urn, I see everything that should be happening, but get hit with what is actually going on. My memories of having a bump are failing. Instead, I am having major back problems made by stress and grief. And in spite of it all, I am still going. Am I cold? Am I unfeeling? No, I don't think so. I am just a woman who's grief is making her feel like an empty vessel. I feel my dreams of being a Mommy to a live child are slipping through my fingers and I am not quite sure how to process that. *sigh*


KAM said...

Oh how I understand.

My New Normal said...

I think that being somewhat functional based on all you've been through is an accomplishment to be proud of. So try not to feel guilty about it. It's been over 4 months for me and I am having more and more days where I feel somewhat normal and I consider that progress.

After all, we're all just doing the best we know how to get through this whole awful thing.

Anonymous said...

This is my first post on your blog. I just want to tell you how much my heart feels for you and all that you have been through. I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you and your husband.