Friday, May 7, 2010

Finding some hint of "normalcy"

The last two days, I have been hit with a sense of normalcy that has done my mind good. Wednesday, I decided that it was time to find some new clothes. None of my other clothes really fit anymore. In fact, when my sisters and Mom were up for the weekend, they told me I had to put away the pants I had on and not get them out again. They were hanging off of me. I have lost a good 25-30 lbs and between 2-3 sizes. For a girl with a plethora of clothing suited for stimming and the bloat that comes with that, this is a problem. So back to it, Wednesday was a shopping day. I started out getting my hair cut and then hit Kohls, JC Penney, and Ann Taylor Loft. I found a cute sundress at Kohls. I found a couple pairs of capris and a top at JC Penney and I found the motherload at the Loft. I think I left with about 6 tops and a pair of pants. Not a bad experience. I felt good about how it all looked and it was nice to feel decent. 

Wednesday night, I started to feel guilty for having a nice day. I cried and worried that I was doing something wrong, but honestly, I needed that good day. I needed it so badly. That night I decided to do something useful. So Thursday, I went out to the hardware stores and found new door knobs for all 10 interior doors. I then got home and installed all 10. It felt wonderful to be useful. Tyler came home to all new handles and he was so happy to not see brass. (Our house has been getting de-brassified for
over 3 years now) 

The combination of the last 2 days has given me some energy back. It was 5 weeks ago that we lost our little girl. I have been a hermit for most of those weeks, but this week I stepped out and did ok. I still hurt. I still cry. I still fall into a puddle when something triggers me, but I am breathing and I am kicking. I have changed so very much, but I am me.

1 comment:

Rachael said...

I'm so happy to read this post! You should absolutely NOT feel bad for having a good day. NO ONE wants you to have any bad days at all. You don't owe anyone any suffering. That's also great that you're being productive and that it feels good. Keep at it!