Sunday, June 13, 2010

It's Coming

The unbelievable, sinking feeling that I can't get out of. Sadness down to the very core of my existence. Tomorrow would mark 39 weeks. I don't know how I can do this. I don't know how I can get through the next week with any sense of sanity. I am going down South to my parents to help my Mom recover from surgery, but I don't think anything will keep my mind off of what could have been. I have come to the conclusion that I have no understanding of what has become of me.  My circumstances are beyond absurd. Dealing with it is a joke. As of today, I feel like I have been repeatedly run over by a truck, relentless in its attack. It's sad.

I had such a great weekend with my husband to celebrate our Anniversary, but was hit with such a sudden wave of sadness this afternoon. I can't shake my feelings of defeat, misery, absolute failure. I feel so incredibly responsible for the loss of my little angel. I can't shake the guilt. I don't know if I ever will. I can't fake it today. Not anymore. I just don't have it in me anymore.


Mellow said...

Each day brings something new, and one day to the next maybe harder than the last. So many are walking this same journey, and understand. I have felt the same way at times. Praying that tomorrow brings a sense of renewed hope, and that the sun shines for you soon.

Lara + Chris said...

I know what you mean. It's so unbelievable, so crazy, so terrible that we're going through this. It's terrible when you wish your perfect little baby had something wrong with it so that you would know it wasn't your fault. I'm in the same position as you, though...feeling guilt, feeling responsible.