2009...

For the past 2 New Year's Eves, I have written a post that was stoic, sad, depressing and down right ugly. This year is something so different. 2009 became my year of hope. We had so much loss in 2008 and 2009 started out with an exploratory surgery to determine if I had endometriosis or not. The surgery went well and the endo was attacked and conquered.

We decided to take a break from the workings of Trying to Conceive and ended up in Florida not once, but twice, for a total of 3 fantastic weeks. 1 week was with Tyler's sister and her girls and 1 week was with my brother and his wife and 1 week was us on our own, always loving the beach. We had a wonderful time. We celebrated 5 years married with a wonderful yacht ride on the ocean and even better food at one of our favorite spots. We tried to watch the Space Shuttle launch but failed twice.

In July, we headed back to our RE for more treatments. With the endo gone, we were confident that this would work. Life had different plans. Another failed transfer was behind us but I was ready to push onward. This year was going to be it for us. And it was. After IVF #5 (Fresh #3), we got our BFP on October 12th. For the first time in my life, I got to see a positive test and hear the wonderful words from my Nurse that I was actually pregnant. We waited out 2 betas to make sure the numbers were going our way and off we went to tell our parents and families. They were thrilled.

Time moved on and I became sicker and sicker, but it was all in jest. Weirdo me didn't mind puking, knowing that little Petri was just wreaking havoc on my system.

November came and went and now the end of December is upon us. I am 15 1/2 weeks along and looking forward to meeting our OB next week and finding out what Team Petri will be on at the end of January. Blue or Pink, we don't really care. Extra fingers or toes, I can even handle that. All we are wishing for this year is a healthy, happy baby in June. Our hopes and dreams have been answered and for that, I will be eternally grateful.

My thoughts are with the Women of my IF board who continue on with their journeys and I hope for them that 2010 can be a miraculous year. I wish you all the best and will be there rooting you on all the way. Lots of Love,

-Lindsay

15 Weeks!

Baby's now the size of a naval orange!
Continuing the march toward normal proportions, baby's legs now out-measure his arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Your fetus is squirming and wiggling like crazy down in the womb, though you probably can't feel the movements just yet.

This morning I went ahead and called the MFM to see if they had my blood results from the NT scan. I hadn't heard back from Dec. 11th and they let me know there was a back-up....which was completely reasonable with the Holidays. The Nurse let me know that everything came back normal and I am so grateful to have that news. Now I won't have to have an amnio, which was freaking me out!

Christmas was a little tough. I think I had some residual feelings from the years of negatives on that big day and it just weighed me down. I was so sad for those who hadn't gotten their positives and I just couldn't really get over it. I am feeling better today and more hopeful as time goes on and more good news comes in. Things are good and I am finally feeling like the other shoe is NOT going to drop this time.

Today is the 21st... which can only mean....

Petri is due in 6 months! Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year and our little Miracle is scheduled to arrive on the Summer Solstice, the longest day of the year. Really feeling the excitement today! Expectant Couple ornament is hung on the tree. Friends from the Bump are getting their BFPs and it is just a good time. Getting ready to wrap presents and get ready for our week away. Happy Monday!

14 Weeks!

Baby's now the size of a lemon!

Your adorable little fetus is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine, and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys, and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over her body for warmth.


This week is a busy one. Heading home for the Holidays to Tyler's parents. Our Lady of the Snow on Tuesday night, shopping in St. Louis on Wednesday and everyone together on Thursday. Should be good times. Petri is doing well. Our meet and greet with the Doctor is on the 5th and then we will be scheduling our big ultrasound. Can't believe we are getting to that point. All of our pre-natal classes are scheduled for the Spring and things are chugging along.

You know, it took so long for this to happen, and now that it has happened, it is going so fast. Who knew!?

13 Weeks!

Baby's now the size of a peach!

Your fetus is forming teeth and vocal cords...savor this, their nonfunctional phase. Baby is approaching normal proportions, with his head now only one third the size of his body. And intestines are in the process of moving from the umbilical cord to baby's tummy -- much more convenient.


This week has been a good week. Belly is starting to pop now and things are fitting a little differently now. Belly Butter is a must as the itchies are coming out in full force. Not much else is going on. Things are settling down nicely and I am in the Second Trimester! Yay!

NT scan was Thursday!

This is where they check for the nose bone to be grown in (and it is!) and they measure the fold of the neck to check for Down Syndrome. Everything looked good.

We had 3 scans. Petri was being very stubborn... this really is our child and would not lay on its back. So we went in for the first.... got some cute shots and couldn't get the neck measured. Went around to walk for 10 minutes. Came back... same thing.

Went up to my NP appointment and did the glucose thing (post metformin) and then went back down to MFM and finally got the money shots. It was great being about to see Petri so much. It was like the Baby was giving us a gift of making the u/s 3x longer than it should have been :) Everything looks good and now we are on the 4 week rotation of NP then Doc.... kind scary, but nice to be normal!

12 weeks!

As you move into the second trimester, baby shifts into the growth and maturation stage. After weeks in the critical development stage, almost all of baby's systems are fully formed.

Our 1st OB appointment!

Can I tell you how weird it was walking into a room of pregnant women and then slowly realizing that I was one of them!? We met with a Nurse for our Orientation and got all the details of making our way through OB. Packets, phone numbers.... it was like signing for a mortgage again... maybe a few less sheets of paper and signatures.

The Nurse we met with was very nice and it was reassuring coming from such a one-on-one atmosphere to a place where there are so many others like you. We are normal.... *sigh*! I went ahead and did my 1st 1 hour glucose test and will repeat it next week to see how I am doing without my Metformin.

Oh, and did I mention I am off all of my meds?!?! Well almost all of them. I am obviously still taking my pre-natal vitamin and then I am staying on my extra Folic Acid, which we changed from 4 pills down to one super pill :) So I go from 14 pills a day now down to 2, and 4 if I take Tylenol PM.

So that is what is going on for now. We go in Thursday for our NT scan and first NP appointment. Things are moving along!

11 Weeks!

Your fetus currently enjoys a 1:1 ratio between body and head, and has skin so transparent that blood vessels show right through. But, fingers and toes are no longer webbed, and hair follicles, tooth buds and nail beds are forming -- setting up a significantly more attractive future.



Last Wednesday we graduated from the RE and we head to the OB this week. It was so bittersweet. I cried as we said goodbye to our Dr and Nurses and just really concentrated on this being a good thing. I got to stop one of my meds at that time and get to stop a boatload of them this week, which will be wonderful. I am so ready to not be popping pills by the dozens each night! And I get to stop my shots on Sunday!!!! yay!!

10 Weeks!

With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will too.)

9 weeks!

Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like... well... a baby!

Tucka Tucka Tucka Tucka

What the heck does that mean?! That is the sound of our little bean's heart beat heard today at 8 weeks 2 days ! It was amazing!! And our little bean isn't so much a bean anymore, we call baby our little gummy bear now, complete with little arm and leg buds. The heart was beating like crazy at 170 and we even saw the little one move after I laughed.

Tears were running down my face the whole time we were in the ultrasound and our favorite Nurse was the one to scan us, which was great. My ovaries are still humungo, but I am dealing with it. We are just so excited. The look on Tyler's face hearing the heartbeat and seeing the arms and legs was so precious. He is such a proud poppa. I think we can say that we are in major love and its not just with each other :)

Morning Sickness Combat: Product Review

These are some great person's gift to pregnant women! I went after these last week when the queasiness was at a high and ever since, I have popped one in when the going gets bumpy and I feel just fine.

They do say that ginger does not work for everyone. I have had great luck and found these at Motherhood Maternity. They were $4.99 for 21 pieces, which was a better deal than the preggie pops. Happy Shopping!

8 Weeks!

Baby's now the size of a raspberry!

Baby is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though you can't feel it yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs, and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy.

Wednesday we go in for ultrasound #3 to see the little gummy bear. We are so excited to see the little bean again. Things are settling down morning sickness wise and I am starting to feel a little more human. Now if I could just start to feel like I have energy :)

7 weeks today!

Baby's now the size of a blueberry!

Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about one hundred new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.

Starting to feel better. Morning Sickness has not been such an issue, which has been nice. I still feel queasy, but I am not glued to the toilet in the morning and night. Trying to take it easy and hoping my ovaries start to go down more. I have been very tired lately and not sleeping the best, so I hope that starts to even out. Overall, I am a happy lady and loving all of this.

Changes

Today we had our first ultrasound and with my Hubby by my side, we saw our little peanut with it's heart beating at a wonderful 113. We are 6 weeks and 2 days today and this news could not be more sweet. I am a blissed out little lady. The only downside of the appointment was being told that my ovaries are the size of grapefruits...each. Kind of uncomfortable. They should go down soon and everything will be fine, just a little sore. Next ultrasound is on November 11th.

Some changes will be happening to my blog. I have thought a lot about keeping it just here and making a new blog for my pregnancy, but I want to keep everything together. I started this blog when things started getting really tough. That was my journey... is my journey and I will never forget this part of my life. I have met some wonderful women suffering from IF and conquering IF and I hope to keep in touch with them throughout.

So it is with a cautious heart that I will now start to blog about my pregnancy and our little Ru. These next months should be fun :)

100th Post... and it is a Doozy!

How much of a coincidence is it that my 100th post on this blog is my official announcement of being pregnant!? My beta today came back at 695 and the office is very happy with that number. Sure it could be higher, but I just seem to be a slower number climber. I am so terribly happy. I just keep saying it over and over again.... I am pregnant. Wow! I go in for my first ultrasound on October 28th and hopefully we will see then how many are taking residence inside my ute. :) I can't wait to see Baby Ru on the big screen.

All signs point to yes :)

Monday morning I woke early and went into the bathroom to test. It came back positive in less than 3 minutes. The feeling was absolutely amazing to be able to tell Tyler as he came up to me and tell him that I really am pregnant. The test said so :) I had to make sure it didn't have a "not" in front of the pregnant. I am still in shock. Beta #1 came in at 107.

Wednesday I went back for another blood test and things were a little different. My beta came back at 174. It didn't quite do what it needed to, but was close. They want me to come back in Monday just to make sure everything is OK. I have been getting sick daily since last Wednesday and my belly is all bloated from minor OHSS. I just can't believe that it worked. I can only hope for good things to come in the next weeks.

We are not announcing to friends or extended family until we hear a heartbeat and maybe even longer than that. If you know me in real life and see this, please keep it quiet. I want to be careful and make sure everything is good first. Thank you all so much for your good thoughts and prayers. Love you!

Signs?

I have been throwing up. Just a little... but each morning since Wednesday and a couple times in the evening. I feel fine during the day. I feel better when I do throw up. What the hell is this? I thought it was way to early for morning sickness, but then I visited Dr. Google and atleast 5 sites say sickness can start as early as the day after conception. That is crazy! I don't know what to believe but I am not ready to test....not yet. Too scared.

I have been having weird cramps/pain in the bottom area of my torso and of course, my ta-tas are killing me. I hate my body if this isn't a set of good signs. 2 more days til Beta Day!!

5 snow babies on ice

Got the call from the lab that 5 of our 11 blasts made it to freeze yesterday. I am trying to think happy thoughts. It is the most we have ever had and they are blasts. Opportunities for the future. Right? I think my little head just had so many big dreams when we found out we had 11 at day 5.

Now I just have to keep thinking that we won't need them for a long while because my little 3 snuggling in will keep me busy :)

Transfer Day

The little tenants are settling in for their lease. Lease is up in a couple of weeks when they decide if they will stay and renew or go. Let's hope they like their new digs.

Btw: all 11 other embies are still growing. We can't believe it. We will here back from the Lab tomorrow to see how many freeze. Yay!

24 hours of no vomiting

I made it! 24 hours of no puking. This time yesterday I had just gotten back from the Dr.'s office where I had been rushed in. Around noon I took a dose of Darvocet that didn't make me feel so good. It wasn't cutting down the pain and I was feeling really badly. I tried to take a nap and got up around 2pm only to have a date with the bathroom. I hate puking. I hadn't eaten hardly anything at all, so it made it even worse. It got so bad I called the Nurse and she said to try to take a teaspoon of water every 15 minutes while she talked to the NP. I couldn't even handle that.

They told me to come in right away. I had called Tyler to come home and called again to stress I needed him home. Nurse L called back and I had to put the phone down at one point. She felt horrible and I felt worse. We finally got to the Office where I promptly christened their trashcan as well (I had been directly escorted to a room) and then got a nice shot in the butt to make me stop throwing up. It worked. Thank God!

They checked my ovaries to make sure I didn't have any punctures that were causing bleeding and everything came back good. I think it was just a horrible reaction to the pain meds. So Ibuprophen it is now. No more incidents today and feeling much better. Ah...the rollercoaster of IF...

Little Energizer Bunnies they are...

14 are still growing!! This means we are doing a 5 day transfer on Saturday. I get my time tomorrow afternoon sometime. Some deats:

14 still growing

all top quality rating

12 are at 4-cell

2 are still at 2-cell

I honestly couldn't be happier :) Ok, well maybe if I were pregnant too :)

Fert Report In!

The lab had me going this morning. Usually they call really early and I didn't get word until late this morning. I was worried it would be bad news... but...

18 were actually retrieved

16 were able to be ICSI'd

14 were fertilized!!!!!

I truly cannot believe this. I made the embryologist tell me again and then I had to say it back to her. Holy Cow! I am pretty sure we are looking at Day 5. DH was funny when I called him. He said "Man, I really brought my super boys yesterday." Too cute! Thank you for all the good thoughts. They are working!

ER was this morning.

We got 17!!! I think this is the highest number yet. Very excited about the possibilities. Just took my second dose of pain meds and they are already wiping me out again. Back to sleep I go!

It's Trigger day!

Tonight we go to a Concert and in the parking lot, I get to receive 2 shots of Ovidrel!!! Woohoo!! :)

I had to do shots at the Cards game last week, so it is all good. I am just embracing my junky status. Nurse T called today. Estradiol was 2463 yesterday. We are a go for tonight. ER is 8am est Monday. Hoping for good things here :)

Day 8 Stim Check

Back in the Office at 7am for me this morning. Eaaaaarly! Everything went well. 19+ of good size measurable. It seems less than previous times. Nurse T is calling tomorrow with the ER time for Monday. I trigger tomorrow night (at a concert! Yay me!) and then we head over to the Land of the ER (2 hrs from home) on Sunday night. I forgot to ask what my estradiol was yesterday and will ask when Nurse T calls tomorrow. It's almost time!

Day 6 Stim Check :)

I knew I felt a lot going on in the ole Ute. Atleast 17 follies and 9+ were measurable. I am SOOO happy! Looks like I am ahead of schedule and looking to be responding like a super star. Estradiol was over 1000 and I go back in Friday morning.

Hot flashes, How do I love thee?

Today in class it was one hot flash after the other and a wonky left eye that brought out the glasses for the first time this year. My kids thought I was falling apart. Sweat rolling and their teacher in glasses. Oh my! :)

Nothing throws off a 12 year old like changing up how the Teacher looks :)

WTF Appointment

The WTF was Wednesday. After our negative, the nurse called and said I could go on bcps to be ready for the next cycle if that is what we wanted to do. I knew there was no harm in going on them, so she sent in the script. Nurse L also did something very sweet. She moved our appointment up 2 weeks because she knew we had been here, done this, too many times and would be anxious to hear what Dr. J had to say.

Doc thinks the FET failed because of its nature. He said that had it worked, it would have been a bonus. I get that. We are going to stay with the same protocol as before and add in the Lovenox this time, like we did with the FET. I will be broken and bruised again but that man is so positive we will get this to work. I am working on meditating, which if you know me is a pretty funny task, and I am trying to get excited about our first fresh chance since getting rid of the endo in February. We will see. :)

IVF #3 is set for the end of September. It will be a crazy month, but we can only hope... its all we have left.

Test was negative....again.

Numbness is pretty much taking over right now. I can't explain the hurt we have gone through. This was the first attempt after my laparascopy and we had some hope that it would work. Not many words left... don't know where to go now. We'll see.

Waiting and Waiting...

Not too much is going on. I feel 1000 times better than I have the whole month of July but still feel kind of icky. I have been able to get out more and get some things accomplished, so that is good. I am bruised and battered, but that is to be expected.

Med count:

-1 Pre-natal Vitamin
-3 Metformin
-1 Low dose Aspirin
-1 Ambien
-1 shot Lovenox
-1 shot PIO

We'll see what happens :)

Someone does understand...

This is an article from Marie Claire. I thought it was nice that someone actually got it about IF and its effects.

Would You Sacrifice Sex to Get Pregnant? The purpose-driven sex life. Cara Birnbaum discovers the real cost of IVF.

By Cara Birnbaum

If you've never stood alone with your husband in a reproductive endocrinologist's office, undressed from the waist down, you've been spared one of the unsexiest encounters a married couple can share: the fluorescent lights that turn your naked skin a mothlike gray, the queasy smile on your beloved's face, the sudden fear that, starting this second, your body will never again be his instant aphrodisiac. All because, after months or years of trying the old-fashioned way, you are still, frustratingly, not pregnant.

This is how babies are made for a growing number of American couples — and not just for the over-35 set, either. A recent survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that, while a tenth of women ages 40 to 44 had booked an infertility-related appointment within the past year, the vast majority seeking treatment — 34.8 percent — fell into my 30-to-34 demographic. Surprisingly, over a fifth of those in their late 20s had also sought medical assistance, which includes advice and acupuncture, as well as ramping up the ovaries for days with potent hormone cocktails, followed by an intrauterine insemination (IUI) — the so-called turkey-baster method, in which sperm are whisked into the uterus via a plastic catheter. For me, it meant all of these things. When none of that worked, it meant ponying up $10,000 for in vitro fertilization (IVF): harvesting 23 of my eggs, introducing them to my husband's sperm in a petri dish, and having two of the resulting embryos placed back inside of me. Conspicuously absent from this protocol were frilly bras, candles, or, well, sex. Which got me wondering: As more women seek out high-tech methods of getting pregnant, what's become of the lowest-tech tool of all — the libido?

Our first night of unprotected sex was delicious. After 15 or so years of meticulous birth control, I tossed my Pill pack into the trash, both of us getting off on the fact that we were finally adult enough to put our bodies together and make a new one. Afterward, I lay awake, imagining a fleet of one-celled creatures coursing through my uterus.

Our lack of success didn't ruffle me much in those early months. Eventually, I bought an ovulation-predictor kit. I began taking my temperature daily at 6 a.m., charting my numbers in a little black notebook. A copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility supplanted the novels and magazines that once littered my bedside table.

It was high time we got a doctor to look under the hood. But when I raised the topic of infertility treatments, my husband, J., avoided eye contact. So I did what any woman with a ticking biological clock would do: I cut him out of the loop. I found a reproductive endocrinologist and went alone to his office. I submitted to blood tests and vaginal ultrasounds that revealed cysts on my ovaries. I cried when I learned that my only hope of ovulating was to inject my abdomen with synthetic hormones every night for weeks. Hoping to preserve some semblance of sexiness in our bedroom, I told my husband nothing — except for the occasional, "Baby, the doctor needs you to come in for a semen analysis tomorrow at 7 a.m."

The story is all too familiar to Dr. David Keefe, chair of the department of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of South Florida College of Medicine. Keefe is also a practicing psychiatrist, and his couch sags under the weight of couples who've struggled to get pregnant without letting their beds go cold in the process. "The husband may not want a sperm test, so he might say, 'I got someone pregnant in college,'" says Keefe. "She answers, 'I had an abortion in college.' There's a sense that someone must be to blame for this."

My husband and I didn't throw barbs. Our tension was more insidious: After our first insemination attempt failed and we planned to try again, I began to resent the fact that I was the one booking the appointments, trekking to the doctor's office several mornings before dawn, lingering in waiting rooms, and getting blood tests and ultrasounds while J. slept peacefully.

Soon, our evening routine entailed syringefuls of synthetic follicle-stimulating hormones that I injected into my belly for weeks until I could feel my outsized ovaries jostle when I walked. This made any X-rated activities uncomfortable at best, downright painful at worst. The progesterone suppositories that followed — inserted every night at bedtime — rendered sex too messy to contemplate. More than that, they literally depressed me, inciting cravings for lasagna and midday naps. When I mention this to Keefe later on, he says that "progesterone is metabolized by the brain to a compound that's 10 times more sedating than a single Valium. So you might feel lethargic, bloated, and possibly constipated." None of which my own doctor had told me — but all of which explains why, between day one of each treatment cycle and the pregnancy test four or five weeks later, my husband and I had sex maybe twice.

J. and I called a time-out and considered adoption. For three months, we forgot about the drugs and the lab tests. We flew to the Caribbean. We had lots of sex. And then we braced ourselves for one more go — this time with IVF. I kicked off my cycle with two weeks of Lupron injections, which chemically puts you into menopause and attempts to get your estrogen levels down to zero. After my doctor placed two fragile embryos into my womb, I left the clinic with instructions: No hot baths, no alcohol, no sexual relations until we determine if you're pregnant or not.

Baby-making as a roadblock to intimacy: The idea could make for great sketch comedy if it weren't so depressing. "I used to say to patients, 'Don't worry — your sex life will come back,'" says Alice Domar, Ph.D., director of the Domar Center for Mind/Body Health at the Boston IVF clinic. But according to a survey examining couples 10 years post-treatment, "A lot say their sex life never came back," she adds. In fairness, this may have to do with the screaming insomniacs who emerge from successful treatments nine months later.

J. and I survived. We got through nights of chastely curling up together, through the first negative pregnancy test, then the second. By that third test, all those bedtime injection sessions had brought us closer than ever. And, after learning that our third attempt had worked, J. made me feel sexy as my breasts swelled, my belly slowly ballooned, and we indulged in the joy of no-strings-attached romps. Last December, I delivered my own screaming insomniac, which meant, if we were lucky enough to steal a few moments alone in the bedroom, we couldn't imagine anything more alluring than sleep. Until we could, when the stars aligned one night: Our baby daughter closed her eyes before 10 p.m., and we did it for the first time as parents. Then we conked out.

We have Superstars!

We had our transfer this morning and it went great. I was a mess going to the Hospital. We had to leave by 6am and I tried to sleep on the way but I couldn't stop thinking about the what ifs.

When we got there, we got checked in and it was busy. We have always been there very early, so it was a different experience. The nurse was worried about my high blood pressure and I told her it would go down as soon as we got some good news. The embryologist came in next and said she had a picture of our blasts. I blurted out "so they made it?" and then proceeded to bawl. I mean big heaving, holy cow I can't stop, someone get me a tissue bawling. She told me I needed a hug and gave me a hug and then showed us our frosties and everything else went off without a hitch. It was a huge sigh of relief when she left. I think she was confused as to why I was so crazed but when she looked in our shart, she saw the loss of the 4 embies at thaw last time. She understood then completely.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. It has been a ride and should be an interesting 2 weeks :)

Scared out of my mind

I have been sick. Mucho sick. Dizzy and a horrendous headache since I started Estrace. It normally is not like this with the estrogen. Today my NP changed me over to patches and I start those tomorrow. I hope that will help.

In other words, I am scared to death of what Thursday will bring. Because we have blasts waiting for us, they won't thaw until we get there and then we will find out if they made it. All I can think about is our 4 embies dying last time. I could puke anytime I think about that. It is going to be a hard, hard day.

In other news, we are bringing home a baby of a different kind this week. Wednesday morning I pick up our new kitten. We haven't named her yet, but here is a sneak peak with her shelter picture.

Any encouragement or name ideas for the kitten would be much appreciated!

Ding Dong the Cysts are Gone!

FET# 2 is now a go. I went in for my u/s Monday and found out that the nasty cyst making my estradiol too high is totally gone. Taking the bcp 3x/day seemed to do the trick.

Friday I go in for a lining check and then it should be next Thursday. Thank you all for your support and good thoughts. I couldn't make it through without you.

Called Doctor's Office

Called office....cyst found....taking a ton of pills... puking my guts out..... enough said.

Back in the saddle again....

Tomorrow I call into the DR's office with CD1 and schedule my cd3 sonogram and bloodwork. It feels weird to be doing this again, to be honest. Last night I kind of melted down on Tyler when we were going to bed because I was so terrified of our lil frosties not making the thaw. I won't sleep sound until I hear from the lab that they thawed ok. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for us... we will need all the good thoughts and prayers we can get that this FET will go better than the last.

It's THAT weekend

Well Ladies, for some of us, we find ourselves here again where the world celebrates what we have not become. Mothers. I find this weekend to be very bitter-sweet. I love my Mom to pieces but I cannot buy a card for her. I lose it every time I enter a card store. So I took the easy way out, I sent flowers. I will call her today and wish her a Happy Mother's Day and then tomorrow I will hide from the world. No Tv, no stores, no radio..... just me and the DH working outside making our house beautiful.

Today my Hubby surprised me with a date night. I have been having anxiety attacks lately and he knew I was struggling to keep it together. He was so cute about everything. He took me to our local Vineyard, somewhere we have never been. It was absolutely delightful. We did a wine tasting and then got a couple of glasses of wine and some cheese and sat outside and enjoyed the afternoon. It was so nice just to talk. We talked about how I have been truly stressed to the max and how he wanted to help make me feel better. We talked about how I am terrified of scheduling the FET because of us losing the 4 embryos last time we tried. We just talked.... and talked some more.

After we finished our wine, we headed to Prairie Gardens, a garden center, to look for some stuff for the House. It was packed so we didn't spend much time there but we found some great tree ideas for the future.

Ko Fusion was the dinner choice for tonight. It is the local sushi joint and it is delish! We wrapped up the night with cupcakes and coffee at the cupcake cafe and then went to the movies and saw State of Play, which was really good.

It was a great night. We talked about what we wanted to. We snuggled and had lovey eyes :) Ty is just the best.

NIAW 2009

It is National Infertility Awareness Week this week and I just came out on FaceBook. It was a risky move, but I wanted to support the cause. Each day I will be posting another status update to help raise awareness for this unbelievably horrible hand dealt to us and so many other people. Will you join us in getting the word out?

Still Kicking...

All is good. Very good to be honest. We are on month 4 of our self-imposed Break and it is nice getting back to being a sane couple. I will be calling the Doc in a few weeks to set up an FET schedule for July, but until then we have weekends away and 2 weeks in Florida to look forward to. Hope this is finding you well.

-Lindsay

Hard Days

Ugh...
It has been a rough go of it lately. I have been sensitive...way sensitive with everything. I cry at anything remotely motherly/fatherly and it just hits me. I know we are on a break. I know it is supposed to be good for us, but sometimes it just hurts, kills even. Stories from our parents about thinking if they should have more children or not; financially unstable cousins have more babies; it is just too much. Today it is too much and I know that is ok. I will have days like this and I cope. I hope it will be better tomorrow, but if it is not, and it is ok. I will be ok and I will keep calm and carry on.

Thanks for listening.

It's been awhile.

It's been a couple of weeks since the Lap and I am doing well. I am healing. The infection seems to be gone and we are enjoying our down time. We have gone on several motorcycle rides and are doing home improvement jobs all over.

Today I spent most of the day outside cleaning up and organizing the patio and garage. It was so nice to be out in the Sun. I was followed around by the neighbor kids asking 1000 questions... but it was nice.

We have decided to take a nice break from the IF world. It won't be long, but we are making the most of it. 3 weeks in Florida and lots of day trips on the side. :) We are getting back to being us. We are making the most out of the time we have now and enjoying ourselves, and I am loving it.
Some days I feel guilty for letting my embies stay frozen longer than they need to be, but when I get them back; we will be ready.

I am thinking about everyone else and what they are going through and I wish you all the best. We will be back in action in June/July... but until then, it is relaxation time! Yay!

Seek and Destroy

He came... he found... he conqured. My RE is a rockstar. His endo suspicions were valid and we got it all out. I am truly paying for it today and will be for a while, but I am so thankful that I had the lap for a reason.

With our past failures, the RE knew something had to be keeping our embies from sticking. They were too good to just not stick without reason.

Yesterday I had my lap and my RE found endo on my ovaries, uterus and bladder. I am not sure that stage the endo was in, but he got it all and I will find out more about the extent on Wednesday at our follow-up.

Honestly, I have not felt this hopeful since our first IVF. I feel like we are back in the game and my RE is very confident that the endo was the reason for our failures. The surgery went well but I am paying big time today. I think I slept about 95% of yesterday and it is looking to be more of the same today... but I have hope again.... and that makes it worth it.

Flippin Fridays

We had a Teacher Institute day Friday and a nationally known speaker was in to talk to our District. He started his talk by talking about how many people die in surgery, even when it is a simple out-patient surgery. This had nothing to do with what he was there to speak about, but it was what was coming out of his mouth. He then moved on to talking about how many mothers and babies die during childbirth. And then... the big enchilada.... a couple he knew trying to have a child for several years...... and I bolted. I had to walk out of the auditorium full of colleagues. I couldn't take it anymore. Luckily I was able to come back in quite quickly... but it was still embarrassing.

Glad to be back in my Dh's arms with lots of love coming from him and my families. I am going to need a lot of support this week.

WooHoo!! Winner, Winner.... Chicken Dinner!

Or Mega Spa Package Winning :) Check it Out!

What do you think about this?

OPINION: Do Men Have Any Rights Over Their Unborn Children?

By Wesley J. Smith , Senior Fellow in Bioethics - January 25, 2009
From: http://www.opposingviews.com/articles

An unusual situation has arisen in Australia involving an ethical complication arising out of IVF. A woman and her fiance` created embryos via IVF. She was impregnated but then died in an auto crash. Now the grandmother of the remaining embryos may sue to prevent the father from bringing his offspring to term. From the story:

A British woman whose pregnant daughter was killed in a car crash is considering legal action to stop her fiance using her frozen embryos to have their child. Kay Stanley, 32, had undergone IVF treatment and had her eggs fertilised before she died.

Her mother Gwen Bates, a nurse from Rotherham, Yorkshire, claims her fiance, Brett Vogel, 34, may be considering using a female relative as a surrogate for the fertilised embryo. Mrs Bates, 59, insists Kay Stanley would have been opposed to such a move.

Even if that is true, even if the poor dead woman would not want her children gestated by another woman, so what? She is dead. The father is alive. His nascent children can still be born. Why should he be prevented from having his children--if that is his decision--and instead be forced to see them destroyed (or possibly experimented upon)?

Let's consider this: The law generally holds that a woman is entitled to an abortion--regardless of what the father might want--because it is her body that gestates the child. That biological symbiotic relationship fact is seen as trumping whatever rights the father might have in the matter. It is her body and if she doesn't want to gestate, she has the unfettered right, at least in the early months, to terminate the pregnancy.

But in this case, the mother is dead and so her body is not being used for anything. The father may want to have his children brought to birth. If the grandmother can legally prevent her grandchildren from being born, it means that fathers have no rights of any kind over their pre-born children. If so, that is utter sexism. I mean, if he had died, would his parents be able to prevent the fiance from having his children? I think not.

These are the kind of dilemmas that the IVF can of worms has opened. But that is water under the bridge. In this case, I can see no justification for the grandmother's claim. What would be good for the goose should also be good for the gander.

For me, I know I want my husband to be a father more than anything, and if it means he can be a father after I am gone.... I am ok with that. It is not the best situation, but if it meant he would have a chance at a happy life after I was gone then good for him. What do you think?

WTF appt for IVF #2

Today we saw our RE for our follow-up appt after our failed IVF #2. He, again, could not be more supportive or kind in his words. Today he had answers and a plan, which was good.

Dr. J told us about a study out of Stanford. 28 women all with 2 failed IVF cycles. Those 28 women underwent laparoscopies and after the procedure, 23 of the 28 women became pregnant. Most without the use of IVF. Now this wouldn't be the case for us with MFI, but the odds look good. Apparently there is a great correlation with any amount of endometriosis causing implantation to NOT take place.

I will now be having a lap procedure to see if this is the cause of all of our pain. The IVFs go well, our embryos are all-stars.... they just need to stick. My mouth fell open when he said the numbers. He was so excited to have this information and threw himself into the research. I am all for it if it means a better shot at being mommies and daddies. I am working on scheduling this and it is looking to be late February. Until then, I can sit back and relax.... get some snow skiing in dream of Florida beaches.

The end of a year and beginning of a new one

Today has brought out many emotions in me. I feel lost in so many ways, but blessed beyond words. Today I thought I would find myself blissfully pregnant, readying the new year for our baby(ies) to be brought home. We started our ART journey early last spring and I so thought we would be seeing the fruits of our labors by now. However, we are not.

Some moments, I feel broken with barely any energy to continue on this hard road to parenthood. Some moments I have more energy then I know what to do with and throw myself into research and finding ways on making this work. I know by now that a depression lies deep within...twitching its fingers at any moment trying to surface... but I won't let it.

Today I find myself sad, sad for all of what was supposed to be in our perfect minds.... sad for what I don't believe I will ever be. Tonight I see more light in the future. I see Tyler and I happy in the future. Happy together and madly in love. I know I can be happy with just my DH and I know I will be OK with that if that is what will be. I just need to know what that future will look like. That will help.

So with that... I will say this.... This has been one of the hardest years of my life. It has been a year of huge struggles and major emotional war. I have lost so much... embryos, grandparents, friends....all for different reasons, but I have gained just as much if not more. I have wonderful friends who protect me from the loudmouths of the world and make sure I am doing OK at any moment. I have a husband who would move heaven and Earth if he could to make me smile. He is truly amazing. I have a family who is endlessly supportive and I love them dearly. I have so much and it makes me realize that having a baby isn't everything. It would be nice to expand our family, but I am OK with what I have. I love what I have and will cherish it each day.

I hope this finds you well and Happy New Years to you.