Follow up Appointment

Today was my follow up with my OB and it went ok. My blood pressure is back down and I have moved from 3 times a day to 2 times a day, working towards getting me completely off the meds. Today, I also got my appointment with the MFM for June 1st. I will go in, in 3 weeks, for repeat blood tests to go over with the MFM and I want to thoroughly go over what would be if I were to try to get pregnant again and succeed. I want to make sure all of our bases are covered.

I guess that brings up the question "Will we try again?" To be honest, I just don't know if I will ever be able to bring myself to it again. It makes me so sad to know that I will never experience the happiness of pregnancy in its fullest again. I know if I do happen upon a positive procedure, that my nerves will be completely shot for however long I end up expecting. It is a completely pessimistic look at it all, but that is where I am right now, and that is ok.

I hurt. I hurt more than I can possibly put into words and I am not ok. I will tell you I am. I will put on a brave face, but I'm not. I am surviving. I think that is the best way I can put it. Some days I smile. Some days I laugh. Some days I leave the house and others I stay on my couch. I am surviving and that is all I can do right now. Yes, I know I should see a professional, and I have been since this happened, but no matter what she can say or get me to see, I still hurt. It is normal and it will be for as long as I need it to be. I lost my daughter just as I was getting to really know her, and no amount of words is going to change that. This is my grief.

Flowers...

do brighten even the gloomiest of days. Thank you, Kim.

Haunted by my dreams

Sophia has been in my mind so much longer than what I was pregnant. Tyler and I will be together for 15 years in November and she has been a feature of my imagination for at least 10 of those years. I always assumed we would have a little girl first. She would hopefully have Daddy's olive skin and my hair and we would argue over if she would have his eyebrows or not, poor thing. She was always right there in my mind. My little girl who we thought would look a lot like Boo from Monsters, Inc. Now, I feel like my imagination haunts me.

I dream of what Sophia would be like. I have seen her grow up as a toddler and then as a young girl. I wake up shaken and upset, but part of me smiles for what she could have been. It is a hard thing to swallow. How did I even get to this place?

Feeling so Lost

I posted this week about my blood work coming back all messed up and my blood pressure still being high... this is weighing on me so much. My body hates me. I mean really hates me. I truly do not know how much more I can take. I think I am just at a breaking point. I feel so lost, with no true direction. This week I realized that I don't have any answers. My OB is completely at a loss as to why Sophia didn't make it.

Where does that leave us? It took us 2.5 years and 5 embryo transfers just to be lucky enough to get pregnant once with Sophia. Seriously? Why would I even begin to think that we could get lucky again? What makes me think that I could even trust my body with another child to grow? For so long I have concentrated on getting pregnant and now I just don't know. I don't know much of anything anymore. I feel like the further we get from everything, the more I am crumbling. So much pain is in my heart. /vent over

3 weeks ago

3 weeks ago today, I lost you, Baby Girl. I miss you so terribly much. It is gloomy today and raining in patches and that is pretty much how I feel. It is hard to see how I will ever feel better when I feel like I do today. I love you.

Writing just to get it out...

I have sat down to write 4 different times today and just stare at the screen. It has been building all day, the anxiety that sits so deep inside me and I was just scared to talk about it. Now I feel like I just have to get it out. I am a different person today than I was 3 weeks ago. I have always been a confident, outspoken, opinionated person and today I find myself scared, anxious and helpless. I feel so weak. I know I have been through so much lately, but I hate the hopelessness that I feel in my heart.

I hate that when I see people, I see pity in their eyes. No one wants to be me, the lady that lost her daughter. I get it. Yah, it sucks. Let's face it, my circumstances blow. I think people are scared to be around me. I am scared about being around you. I am incredibly vulnerable and an emotional wreck. Who would want to be around that? I don't know who, but I don't blame you.

I really don't know the point of this post, but it was what was inside. Thank you for letting me get it out.

A Little Star in the Sky

Last week was the week of food. Everyday one of my coworkers brought by a plethora of food. Lasagna, fried chicken, roast, BBQ....desserts galore. It was truly appreciated. All of this has kept Tyler fed, and I can't say thank you enough for that. I have bits and pieces of food, enough to keep me going, but I am having a hard time eating much of substance. No appetite to speak of.

Last week also brought by some friends who had something special for Tyler and I. One of my coworkers had thought to have a star named after Sophia and gave us the certificate and coordinates to go with it. As she was telling our students about her idea, they started taking money out of their pockets to help donate for it. I am so touched. Seriously, my kids might be a pain in the butt half the time, but I love them dearly. I know they love me and miss me and they want to honor Sophia so much. Thank you for that.

The girls also brought by a packet of donations from my Association, PTO, my coworkers and teachers from other buildings in the District to help with bills and anything else we might need. To say we have been completely overwhelmed doesn't even begin to touch it. We truly do have very caring friends and colleagues and that means the world to us. Thank you.

No answers...just more questions.

Today has been hard. Really hard. Today we went to the Clinic to see my OB for the first time since Sophia's death. As I checked in, I kept my head down and tried to avert my eyes as much as possible. The looming possibility of large, pregnant bellies was just too much. The feel of the waiting room was all wrong. I let the receptionist know that we were supposed to be called in right away and Tyler and I sat in different chairs than we usually did. It was tense and uncomfortable, but we were called back shortly after arriving. The room we were put into showed pictures of children Dr. S had delivered. I couldn't help but think of my little girl. I feel so empty when I am in those types of moments. I think about what I had been just 2 1/2 weeks ago and it is so heartbreaking.

Dr. S came in and asked how we were doing. That is such a hard question to answer. Yes, I am breathing. Yes, I am functioning. Yes, I am most likely putting up a huge wall and faking it until I can make it on my own. I look ok. I get out of bed. I shower, but God, I am so incredibly empty. I cannot even begin to explain the pain that is in my heart. I will never be able to put into words what that is like. Back to the appt... It comes down to this: Sophie was fine. She was small for her age, but there is nothing jumping out as to what happened to her. My baby girl gave it her all and just couldn't keep up. Dr. S thinks it has to do with my hypertension, but that only started at 24 weeks and doesn't really explain why Sophie stopped growing. That is a hard bite to swallow. She should have made it.

My levels on the other hand, did not do so well. There are some things going on with my blood coagulating and my ANA (I think) levels came back abnormal, which can be an indicator of Lupus. I go back in June to meet with a specialist to be retested. At the end of the appointment, as my Zoloft was upped, Dr. S checked my blood pressure to find that it is still really high, higher than it was all pregnancy. That isn't good. He doesn't know why it is so high and I know it is really scaring Tyler. I feel so numb about it all. I don't have my little one to worry about and I just don't worry about me. I don't feel the need to. My meds are upped, again, and now I have to go back next week instead of the middle of May. I think it was the presence of intense headaches that really put Dr. S on alert. They are bad and won't go away. I just want to start to feel ok. Please.

Sophia's Story

2 weeks ago today, at 28 weeks 4 days, I realized that I had not been feeling our little Petri like I had been. She was known for her Olympic-like gymnastics and I just wasn't feeling it. The books say that movement slows down around the 28th week as the baby gets bigger. I figured, alright, no biggie. She is just asleep when I am awake. I had a big weekend planned. Tyler was turning 30 and I had a surprise party all planned for him. I thought maybe I should call into the Nurse and check in just to make sure things were OK before the weekend hit.

It was the week of Spring Break and it had been gorgeous most of the week. The Nursery had new carpet put in that Monday and the crib was all set and decorated. The room was stunning. Tyler had been taking half-days to be with me and everything was going so well. I called into the Nurse and described what was going on and she decided to have me come in at 1:00 that afternoon to make sure of the heartbeat and check things out.

I was feeling anxious, but nothing too bad. I had not had any bad symptoms. No spotting, no pain...just being pregnant in the third tri. Tyler was nervous. I could see it in his face, but I tried to reassure him. When we got to the Doctor's office, the Nurse brought us back and tried to find Petri's heartbeat. She was having a hard time. Petri had been stubborn before, so I tried not to panic. Another Nurse came in and tried to find the heartbeat. This Nurse had been the one to normally check me in, and she had no luck. At that moment, I started to cry. The ladies went to get the Doctor on call because mine was out of town and they brought in the portable sono. It was so surreal as I lifted my shirt and felt the jelly being rubbed around my pregnant tummy. The Doctor looked at me in that instant, after studying the screen, and said that she was so sorry to have to tell us this, but our baby had died. There was no heartbeat.

Panic, shock, denial.... so much rushed through my head at the same time. I completely broke as Tyler came to my side and held me..knowing our dream was crushed in one second. As quickly as the denial came, I realized that I would have to deliver my daughter who had already passed. The Doctor told us our options as I struggled to focus on anything. I looked into Tyler's eyes and saw what I was feeling, utter devastation. We decided that I needed to deliver as soon as I could. I couldn't be in limbo.

We were brought down to the real sono department so they could take measurements and found out our precious Sophia was only measuring at 24 weeks. Something had happened at some point to stop her growth or slow it. That was quite a blow to take. After the sono, we were told to head to Labor and Delivery. When we got there, they didn't really know what to do with us. They asked us something, I don't remember what, and I told them I was there to deliver my baby. She had died. I didn't say it nicely, and it wasn't my best moment, but it sure got people moving. We were brought to a Birthing Suite and hit in the face with the infant warmer and all the niceties you want to see in the Suite you will have your baby in, but would be so bitter to see if your child was not coming to the world alive. This was about 3 in the afternoon. The Nurse left us alone for a long time. We had asked for some time to let things sink in and to get a hold of our families. Our parents never make it easy, but we finally talked to everyone. In an instant, parents were coming from out of town, and out of state.

At some point, the people from the lab came in and took anywhere from 20-25 vials of blood from me. I just sat there, with what I am sure was a very glazed over look on my face. Tyler held my hand as that finished and had to verify the name labels. It was then about 6pm. At that point, I changed into the hospital gown and sat in the bed. We decided to get the IV hooked up and start inducing. At some point, they asked us about what funeral home we would be using and if we wanted pictures taken by a group called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. It was so overwhelming. We had no idea what we would do. We knew what we wanted and that was for Sophia to still be with us. Finally, Tyler thought of the Funeral Home close to our house. The Nurse contacted them. We decided that pictures might be a good thing to have, even if it takes us years to be ready to see them. The Nurse contacted the group. Things moved along...

The induction meds started to work pretty much right away. Even though I wasn't dilating very much, the contractions started. Tyler's parents got to the room just a bit after my IV had started. It was hard seeing them, and I know they didn't like seeing me like I was. I was contracting about every 3 minutes or so. I went on feeling them for about 3 hours. As they got closer together and more painful, I asked for the epidural. At that time, the in-laws left to go to our house to get things for us. We obviously were not prepared for labor at all. I had the epidural done at 9pm. It wasn't bad, about the same as a Lovenox shot. At this point, I had decided to feel as little as I could. I wanted some things to remain unknown in case I have a next time. I had to have 2 more boosts of the epi meds to get it to take away all the feeling it needed to. Those boosts just so happened to make me vomit, too. Fun, fun.

At about midnight, I got the second dose of induction meds. I started to get a very high fever and tried to sleep some. My parents got in about 40 minutes later. Talk about hard. They felt so bad for us and it hurt to see them in so much pain. At this point, the only thing I had to eat that day was chocolate cheerios and a chocolate donut. We were going to go to lunch after the appointment, but never made it. Because I couldn't have food, I was making due on popsicles. Not too much later, at about 2am, I felt pressure and knew things were close. The Nurse checked me and told us it was time.

I had our parents leave the room and Tyler moved in to be with me. As the Doctor prepared, Tyler held me as much as he could and I cried my heart out as I delivered our little girl. Afterward, they put her in my arms and I just stared at her for the longest time, holding her close. She truly looked like us. She was beautiful. She had dark eyebrows and a little button nose. The tiniest eyelashes and little lips and chin. I was shivering so much from the epi meds, I had been all night, and I was so worried of hurting her. Irrational, but I wanted to keep her safe.

After a long while, our parents came in and we told them her name. I couldn't give her up for others to hold. I was so afraid to lose her. As time went by, they said goodbye and then Tyler held her. This will always be one of my most cherished memories. He was such the father in that instant. When we were ready, we both said goodbye. I kissed my fingers and touched her forehead, told her we would always love her and said goodbye.

I was released midday. The drive home was so incredibly hard, knowing we were leaving her behind. Coming into our house, we realized someone had cleared everything away for us and it was hard to see, but I was a mess either way. We both were. After completely turning into a puddle, Tyler put me to bed and I slept for a long time. Sometimes I still feel like I am sleeping and just in a bad dream... if only that were true.

I miss being pregnant.

I miss everything about it. I miss my growing bump and my kicking little girl. I miss being happy and excited. Not many people know this, but I pretty much threw up every morning and night of my first trimester. It was how I knew our IVF had worked. I embraced that. Got sick, moved on. It was what I had to do. I didn't complain about it. I did what I had to do. I would do anything to still have those symptoms. I would do anything to have all of that back and not see pain in my Husband's eyes.

It is so hard to not feel like a failure in all of this. I was supposed to be able to keep her safe and I did for so long. I just don't understand what happened. We were so close this time. So close.

Part of a Community

Sometimes you don't realize how much you have until it is either gone or something tragic happens. You know in the back of your head that people love and care about you, and some people are more outward than others. But when a tragedy occurs, the people who hold your hand and give you a shoulder to cry on are invaluable.

After the passing of Sophia, we have been flooded with support and love. Dozens of cards have come to our home. Beautiful flowers sit on our table and our FB and email accounts have dozens of well wishes by family and friends. I, well both of us, have been completely overwhelmed by the amount of people showing us they care for us and our baby girl.

Over the past week, I opened one card in particular from a very special group of people. They are a group of ladies who have dealt with or are still dealing with Infertility that wanted to support Tyler and I in anyway they could through this loss. When I opened that card, I found that dozens of women had donated 29 trees to the Arbor Day Foundation in memory of Sophia's 28 weeks of life and 1 to know that she will always be in our hearts. They also ordered personalized charms for Tyler and I and sent money so I could get a special piece of mother's jewelry to always have Sophia with me. We were beyond words to see such generosity from a group that I have never met in person. These ladies are invaluable to me and I love them dearly.

Thank you to everyone from the bottom of our hearts. We are very blessed to have family and friends that we can count on.

In one day...

In one day your whole world can change. October 12th, 2009, we found out that we were expecting our first child. On April 2nd, 2010, we found out that our precious daughter's heart had stopped beating. In one day we went from a thrilled, exhilarated expecting couple to a couple that had everything swept out from underneath them. In one day, I became a Mother and lost a Daughter.

In the early hours of April 3rd, I delivered our baby girl, Sophia Marie. She was a tiny, beautiful little girl who was the perfect mix of the two of us. My heart swelled and broke in the same instant. I have never, we have never, been through a harder experience in our life.

Our family, friends and colleagues have been here for us throughout. It seems like years since Saturday, and yet it has only been days. I am in a fog, trying to make sense of what has happened, only to realize too well that we may never know.

I miss my baby. I miss Sophia with everything I have. She was my, is my, darling little girl who had a whole, full life waiting for her. She had her Daddy wrapped around her tiny finger from day 1. She had me fawning over her every movement. I honestly don't know how I will ever recover from losing my precious little girl. Somehow I need to find peace and I hope it comes to me one day.