Breakdown

So last night I lost it. We found out the results from Dh's second SA and they were the same. 1.4 mil count, but good quality. I have PCOS. Not a good combo. I made the first appointment with an RE ( we were with a reproductive med Dr before) and we are heading straight for IVF.

I am scared out of my mind. It seems like this is such a final chapter. I never thought we would end up doing IVF. I even considered stopping trying if we got to IVF. This isn't an option anymore. Our only shot is IVF.

I know it's a major pity party, but I am definitely playing the why me? card. I almost feel like I am mourning my fertility. We are such a strong couple and I know we will make it through this. And even though I have been preparing for this for several weeks, it has hit me like a ton of bricks.

What do I do? How do I cope with this?

Dealing with the Feelings

I never imagined we would be in this spot. I thought it would come easy and I would be about 8 or 9 months pregnant now. We thought we would just practice some over the summer and get to it early fall to have a summer baby and lots of mommy time before I had to go back to work in August. Boy, were we wrong. It is hard thinking about that. What should have been. But should it have been? Should people think it is that easy to get preggo?

After reading Cindy's book, I came to realize that I shouldn't be ashamed of this IF. You tend to say it lightly and discreetly, not only because it is personal, but it has this stigma to it. The topic no one quite understands, unless they have been through it. And then you get the ones who go through more intense treatments and understand that much more. It is hard to balance your feelings towards those who are on the same page as you and those who went through less and maybe don't say the right things. I am trying to take the support I get and not analyze it or be bitter towards remarks that might not be the most sensitive. I am trying and that is all you can do.

I am a science teacher, so being able to see my insides like I have has been exhilarating. How many people have had their fallopian tubes called beautiful?! :) And then they get to see them onscreen. So I have had some side perks. We are getting more comfortable with our situation. We tread lightly around each other, but had a heart-to-heart last night and I realized just how lucky I am.

I want a baby so badly, but I am already so incredibly lucky to have a man like I do right now. I will continue to be lucky as long as he is by my side, whether we grow a family or not.

WooHoo! No Strike 3!

Yesterday I had my HSG done at about 4:15. It was definitely not as bad as I had thought it would be after reading some pretty bad reviews on TTTC. There was absolute discomfort during it, but only for a short time, and the best thing is, my tubes are clear. Dr. F called them beautiful. Only an IF gal would be so proud. :)

I really thought we might get strike 3 here. It is hard not to think of MFI and PCOS as 2 strikes against us. I try to be positive, but my hubby is definitely the positive rock through all of this. He waited for me in the waiting room and did a stellar job. I even went grocery shopping afterwards and did just fine.

Now we wait for the SA #2 test and results and then make an appointment to make a game plan from there. I am hoping IUI but I am all over IVF and reading up on it. I think that is how we will have to go.

The new IF book by Cindy Margolis was pretty informative. It gave a real-life look at the procedure and opened my eyes to quite a few things. I recommend it if you have a chance to read it.

Things are slowing down on our end. I just started Metformin last night and I am already not feeling well on it. I think it is just something I will get used to. Now on to Tuesday...

Happy Earth Day!

Nervous Behaviors

I have my HSG tomorrow and I have been reading everything imaginable about the procedure. I am nervous! I am not one for pain, and I have enough of it with knee issues, and I know this is only the beginning of potentially painful procedures, but I just want it to be over. That is all. Carry on :)

Holy PCOS

Well, after fighting the NP about verifying if I have PCOS, I finally had my sonogram this morning... and gosh darnit... they were there... in abundance.

I have PCOS.

There I said it.

I will start back on Metformin after my HSG next Monday and we will get my body into prime condition for ovulation. With that being said, IVF is looking more and more the way we will have to go with our male factor of a low count. I am scared. I am anxious, but I am hopeful. My nurse assured me that our issues are treatable. There are ways to do this and we have great coverage for IVF. Now we wait and see how the second SA goes and see how my HSG goes.

Having a Rough Time

Results are coming in and I am feeling so helpless. In honest words, THIS SUCKS! I never once thought in a million years that a girl with a Mother who is one of 11 and a boy with a Mother who is one of 8 would ever have issues conceiving. It is just absurd.

I know it doesn't work this way, but I just want to know one way or another if we can get pregnant or not. Just needed to vent a little. I have my baseline sonogram tomorrow. We will see how that goes. Thanks for reading.

8 DPO progesterone test results...

The nurse called today with my Prog. results. She said they were at 8.3. She explained that they like to see numbers higher than this for a "good" ovulation to have taken place. They like to see higher than 10.

She then explained that even though my numbers looked down, it still looked like I most likely ovulated, which is good, and if it were a treatment month, I would be given a supplement to help ensure a safe pregnancy, should that occur.

I am trying to feel positive. I keep telling myself the numbers could be worse, and maybe I just ovulate later, which would lead to lower number at day 22. We will see.

Next is waiting for hubby's SA results and then scheduling my u/s. This is an interesting road we are on, but an anxious one at that.

Having the Labs drawn

Today I got into my car and checked my messages. I had a message from the Nurse at Reproductive Medicine saying she had me down for my Progesterone tests today and asking if I had this done yet. I called her, letting her know I was on my way to the office and getting my tests done.

So I got to the office, checked in, and was called back after a short wait. The nurse at my regular office, pulled me in and as I was walking with her, she told me she had some potentially confusing questions. I was like.. Okkkk. They asked if I was having surgery. Apparently my Dr. had ordered blood typing done and that is usually done with surgical patients. It was a big mass of confusion.

After we got that all squared away, they took my blood and I ended up getting the blood type checked, progesterone, Ruebella screening (I think) and the CF screening. Hubby and I decided it was best to know if I am a carrier before we are in any deeper.

Today I learned 2 things:
1. My Reproductive Med Office is on the ball with my testing schedule *sigh of relief*
2. Family Practice Nurses are not used to us lil IF girls coming in for blood tests.

Start of a Journey: What do you mean it isn't that easy?

It all began one February day when I realized I was very much ready to begin trying for a family. It was like a bus hit me. It was that strong of a feeling. So I worked up the courage to tell my wonderful hubby that I was ready if he was, and to my great delight, he was thinking the same thing. We made a plan to start our baby-making journey after my yearly appointment in March. And so we began...

After about 3 months of very timed, precise, and frequent tries in the baby-making department, I began to wonder if all those years ago we were lied to. If you remember, in High School they made getting pregnant sound as easy as standing in the same room as the opposite sex and looking at them sideways... that is all it took to get preggo.

They were wrong!

It has now been a year with no results. Thursday we had our first appointment with our IF Doctor and it went well. The ball is now rolling along and I already have baseline testing set for tomorrow. We are really excited about solving our great mystery, but I am completely nervous as to where this will lead. I told my hubby that I wanted to start a blog about because I didn't always want to have to vent to him. I am trying to save his sanity when mine went fleeing many years ago, as I am a Junior High Teacher.

So 1. Welcome and 2. Thank you for sharing in my story. I am hoping this will be a short stay in the IF world, and if not, I am sure I will meet some great people along the way.