Seek and Destroy

He came... he found... he conqured. My RE is a rockstar. His endo suspicions were valid and we got it all out. I am truly paying for it today and will be for a while, but I am so thankful that I had the lap for a reason.

With our past failures, the RE knew something had to be keeping our embies from sticking. They were too good to just not stick without reason.

Yesterday I had my lap and my RE found endo on my ovaries, uterus and bladder. I am not sure that stage the endo was in, but he got it all and I will find out more about the extent on Wednesday at our follow-up.

Honestly, I have not felt this hopeful since our first IVF. I feel like we are back in the game and my RE is very confident that the endo was the reason for our failures. The surgery went well but I am paying big time today. I think I slept about 95% of yesterday and it is looking to be more of the same today... but I have hope again.... and that makes it worth it.

Flippin Fridays

We had a Teacher Institute day Friday and a nationally known speaker was in to talk to our District. He started his talk by talking about how many people die in surgery, even when it is a simple out-patient surgery. This had nothing to do with what he was there to speak about, but it was what was coming out of his mouth. He then moved on to talking about how many mothers and babies die during childbirth. And then... the big enchilada.... a couple he knew trying to have a child for several years...... and I bolted. I had to walk out of the auditorium full of colleagues. I couldn't take it anymore. Luckily I was able to come back in quite quickly... but it was still embarrassing.

Glad to be back in my Dh's arms with lots of love coming from him and my families. I am going to need a lot of support this week.

WooHoo!! Winner, Winner.... Chicken Dinner!

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What do you think about this?

OPINION: Do Men Have Any Rights Over Their Unborn Children?

By Wesley J. Smith , Senior Fellow in Bioethics - January 25, 2009
From: http://www.opposingviews.com/articles

An unusual situation has arisen in Australia involving an ethical complication arising out of IVF. A woman and her fiance` created embryos via IVF. She was impregnated but then died in an auto crash. Now the grandmother of the remaining embryos may sue to prevent the father from bringing his offspring to term. From the story:

A British woman whose pregnant daughter was killed in a car crash is considering legal action to stop her fiance using her frozen embryos to have their child. Kay Stanley, 32, had undergone IVF treatment and had her eggs fertilised before she died.

Her mother Gwen Bates, a nurse from Rotherham, Yorkshire, claims her fiance, Brett Vogel, 34, may be considering using a female relative as a surrogate for the fertilised embryo. Mrs Bates, 59, insists Kay Stanley would have been opposed to such a move.

Even if that is true, even if the poor dead woman would not want her children gestated by another woman, so what? She is dead. The father is alive. His nascent children can still be born. Why should he be prevented from having his children--if that is his decision--and instead be forced to see them destroyed (or possibly experimented upon)?

Let's consider this: The law generally holds that a woman is entitled to an abortion--regardless of what the father might want--because it is her body that gestates the child. That biological symbiotic relationship fact is seen as trumping whatever rights the father might have in the matter. It is her body and if she doesn't want to gestate, she has the unfettered right, at least in the early months, to terminate the pregnancy.

But in this case, the mother is dead and so her body is not being used for anything. The father may want to have his children brought to birth. If the grandmother can legally prevent her grandchildren from being born, it means that fathers have no rights of any kind over their pre-born children. If so, that is utter sexism. I mean, if he had died, would his parents be able to prevent the fiance from having his children? I think not.

These are the kind of dilemmas that the IVF can of worms has opened. But that is water under the bridge. In this case, I can see no justification for the grandmother's claim. What would be good for the goose should also be good for the gander.

For me, I know I want my husband to be a father more than anything, and if it means he can be a father after I am gone.... I am ok with that. It is not the best situation, but if it meant he would have a chance at a happy life after I was gone then good for him. What do you think?

WTF appt for IVF #2

Today we saw our RE for our follow-up appt after our failed IVF #2. He, again, could not be more supportive or kind in his words. Today he had answers and a plan, which was good.

Dr. J told us about a study out of Stanford. 28 women all with 2 failed IVF cycles. Those 28 women underwent laparoscopies and after the procedure, 23 of the 28 women became pregnant. Most without the use of IVF. Now this wouldn't be the case for us with MFI, but the odds look good. Apparently there is a great correlation with any amount of endometriosis causing implantation to NOT take place.

I will now be having a lap procedure to see if this is the cause of all of our pain. The IVFs go well, our embryos are all-stars.... they just need to stick. My mouth fell open when he said the numbers. He was so excited to have this information and threw himself into the research. I am all for it if it means a better shot at being mommies and daddies. I am working on scheduling this and it is looking to be late February. Until then, I can sit back and relax.... get some snow skiing in dream of Florida beaches.

The end of a year and beginning of a new one

Today has brought out many emotions in me. I feel lost in so many ways, but blessed beyond words. Today I thought I would find myself blissfully pregnant, readying the new year for our baby(ies) to be brought home. We started our ART journey early last spring and I so thought we would be seeing the fruits of our labors by now. However, we are not.

Some moments, I feel broken with barely any energy to continue on this hard road to parenthood. Some moments I have more energy then I know what to do with and throw myself into research and finding ways on making this work. I know by now that a depression lies deep within...twitching its fingers at any moment trying to surface... but I won't let it.

Today I find myself sad, sad for all of what was supposed to be in our perfect minds.... sad for what I don't believe I will ever be. Tonight I see more light in the future. I see Tyler and I happy in the future. Happy together and madly in love. I know I can be happy with just my DH and I know I will be OK with that if that is what will be. I just need to know what that future will look like. That will help.

So with that... I will say this.... This has been one of the hardest years of my life. It has been a year of huge struggles and major emotional war. I have lost so much... embryos, grandparents, friends....all for different reasons, but I have gained just as much if not more. I have wonderful friends who protect me from the loudmouths of the world and make sure I am doing OK at any moment. I have a husband who would move heaven and Earth if he could to make me smile. He is truly amazing. I have a family who is endlessly supportive and I love them dearly. I have so much and it makes me realize that having a baby isn't everything. It would be nice to expand our family, but I am OK with what I have. I love what I have and will cherish it each day.

I hope this finds you well and Happy New Years to you.

I can't believe this is happening... again.

I don't know why the odds are stacked against us like they are. Our Docs brag upon high on how wonderful our embryos are and then when I get them back.... I kill them. This is how I think of it and I know it kills DH. I feel so much guilt. I have a hard time looking DH in the eye and knowing that I am responsible for him not being a Daddy this Christmas. You can say that things happen... but it is Science... I do teach that afterall. My body rejects the embryos, as good as they can be.... I won't accept them. What does that mean? Why?

I have to walk down my halls and see my little kids getting knocked up by other little kids and then pawning the babies off to Grandma. I hate this. I hate my reality right now that so many of my students, jr high kids, will be parents before I will get a chance.

My Mom and Dad had 5 kids and then quit. It was always believed I would be just as fertile, but the truth is, I can't make them the Grandparents that they are dying to be.

My heart hurts so much to know this. We can sugar coat anything, but this is reality. Let's face it.... 2008 has pretty much blown. We had such high hopes of being pregnant after starting treatments in the early spring and now we are at the end with nothing to show by a body drilled with shots, broken, and an empty bank account.

I know I am blessed to have a family that is as supportive as they are and a husband who cannot be described in words.... they wouldn't do him justice... but I just feel awful for what I cannot give them.