Signs

Last year after everything had calmed a bit, my brother and sister in-law brought us a beautiful card and in it was a gift certificate to the local Nursery. We had talked about planting a tree in Sophia's memory and they wanted to help us do that. Tyler and I have gone back and forth with what kind of tree to get. We finally came to the decision that a Redbud would be best. It blooms early and has beautiful pink flowers. It really is a gorgeous tree.

Over the last year, we have struggled to agree on where we should plant the tree when we get it. Today, we went to the Nursery and picked out our tree. We went in thinking we would get a traditional redbud. When we were pointed in the direction, we saw that not only did they have many options, they had weeping redbuds.... how appropriate is that? So we went back and forth looking at all of them and then I read the tag to the weeping ones. They are called the Heartbreaker. Ummm yah..... that would be it. So in the end, we chose a perfectly shaped heartbreaker to hopefully plant next weekend. It really is gorgeous and I don't know if it could have a more appropriate name.

Closer

As we get closer to the one year mark, I have found that I have absolutely no idea how to handle the day. It is my husband's birthday and the day our little girl was born still. How do I wrap my head around that? I don't know what to do. Do I wake up and act like everything is normal? Do I try to have some kind of tradition? I just can't even process it and I know Tyler doesn't know how to handle it either. Man, this sucks...

Is this thing still on?

I have been MIA for quite awhile. Having mostly good days, but it will be 1 yr in just over a month since my sweet little girl left us. Not sure how I can even begin to handle what this next month will bring. Trying to keep myself beyond busy as we get closer to the date. Flying out to NYC to meet up with some fabulous ladies and just trying to be strong.

In a way, I feel like if I make it through a year, I will really be ok. The other part of me is scared that if I continue to struggle, people will see the worst of me, thinking I should move on. Not sure what will be the case, but I know that I owe it to DH to give it my best. He deserves the best.

The trick is to keep breathing.

It's not easy. It takes thought, but with time, it happens a bit more naturally. Today I feel like I have turned a corner from the Holidays. Those were some of my darkest times, only worsened by the incessant cheer that surrounded me. Today I woke up and it was just better. I felt some peace and love and it was nice. I am not sure what changed, but I welcomed it. As always, it is day to day, but I just have to remember to keep breathing.

Guilt.

I am not in bed bawling my eyes out as this year ends, and maybe I should be. I am really struggling with not feeling guilty over being somewhat functional right now. In a year that started out as the best of my life, it has ended as the worst, but yet, I am still breathing, trying to live life so my DH can heal, too. I know that if I were to give in to everything that is weighing on my tired shoulders, I would gain 50 pounds and never get out of bed again.

As I spend time with my niece, who is the exact age as Sophia should be, I wonder how I can even manage to get up each day. When I look at my daughter's urn, I see everything that should be happening, but get hit with what is actually going on. My memories of having a bump are failing. Instead, I am having major back problems made by stress and grief. And in spite of it all, I am still going. Am I cold? Am I unfeeling? No, I don't think so. I am just a woman who's grief is making her feel like an empty vessel. I feel my dreams of being a Mommy to a live child are slipping through my fingers and I am not quite sure how to process that. *sigh*

CarlyMarie: How you can help ease the pain for a friend or lov...

CarlyMarie: How you can help ease the pain for a friend or lov...: "In the last week I have received numerous emails from people wanting to know how they can help to ease the pain their friends are suffering..."

My place...

After looking over my blog, I realized that people probably think I need to be institutionalized. And while they might be right, most of the time I am doing alright. I find myself turning to my blog when the moments are so low that I don't want to bring anyone else in my direct path down with me. I am ok. I am breathing. I am living.... maybe not always alive, but living. Yes, the Holidays have been even harder than I imagined they would ever be, but I cannot describe with words how very special my family and especially my husband have been to me during all of this. Without him, I would not have reason to pick up the pieces every day. Just checking in....