Is this thing still on?

I have been MIA for quite awhile. Having mostly good days, but it will be 1 yr in just over a month since my sweet little girl left us. Not sure how I can even begin to handle what this next month will bring. Trying to keep myself beyond busy as we get closer to the date. Flying out to NYC to meet up with some fabulous ladies and just trying to be strong.

In a way, I feel like if I make it through a year, I will really be ok. The other part of me is scared that if I continue to struggle, people will see the worst of me, thinking I should move on. Not sure what will be the case, but I know that I owe it to DH to give it my best. He deserves the best.

The trick is to keep breathing.

It's not easy. It takes thought, but with time, it happens a bit more naturally. Today I feel like I have turned a corner from the Holidays. Those were some of my darkest times, only worsened by the incessant cheer that surrounded me. Today I woke up and it was just better. I felt some peace and love and it was nice. I am not sure what changed, but I welcomed it. As always, it is day to day, but I just have to remember to keep breathing.

Guilt.

I am not in bed bawling my eyes out as this year ends, and maybe I should be. I am really struggling with not feeling guilty over being somewhat functional right now. In a year that started out as the best of my life, it has ended as the worst, but yet, I am still breathing, trying to live life so my DH can heal, too. I know that if I were to give in to everything that is weighing on my tired shoulders, I would gain 50 pounds and never get out of bed again.

As I spend time with my niece, who is the exact age as Sophia should be, I wonder how I can even manage to get up each day. When I look at my daughter's urn, I see everything that should be happening, but get hit with what is actually going on. My memories of having a bump are failing. Instead, I am having major back problems made by stress and grief. And in spite of it all, I am still going. Am I cold? Am I unfeeling? No, I don't think so. I am just a woman who's grief is making her feel like an empty vessel. I feel my dreams of being a Mommy to a live child are slipping through my fingers and I am not quite sure how to process that. *sigh*

CarlyMarie: How you can help ease the pain for a friend or lov...

CarlyMarie: How you can help ease the pain for a friend or lov...: "In the last week I have received numerous emails from people wanting to know how they can help to ease the pain their friends are suffering..."

My place...

After looking over my blog, I realized that people probably think I need to be institutionalized. And while they might be right, most of the time I am doing alright. I find myself turning to my blog when the moments are so low that I don't want to bring anyone else in my direct path down with me. I am ok. I am breathing. I am living.... maybe not always alive, but living. Yes, the Holidays have been even harder than I imagined they would ever be, but I cannot describe with words how very special my family and especially my husband have been to me during all of this. Without him, I would not have reason to pick up the pieces every day. Just checking in....

How to celebrate...

Today, I found myself not wanting to celebrate the Holidays at all. The sadness seems to be seeping in more lately and I find myself having a hard time keeping it together more and more. I had this cute little onesie I got from the Baby Gap last year that had a cute little tee-pee and Indian on it and I keep thinking about how cute Sophia would be in it. I see my niece and her parents doing all of these "first" things together and just die inside. Ornaments are a killer. I have a pregnant ornament in the ornament box that I know will just shatter my heart when I get it out.

The Holidays suck. Last year I was just beginning to show at Christmas time and everyone was so happy. I'm not happy now. I am a shell of myself. I don't even know what myself is anymore. Hard doesn't cut it. Can I just hide for the next 2 months?

Apologies

I finally got a hold of the appropriate authorities dealing with the Dinner and things have hopefully been resolved. I explained to them that they couldn't do anymore than apologize, but they HAD to make it to where this would never happen again, to me or anyone else. I believe I got my point across and I know that all parties involved felt like asshats about it. And they should have. They had the information there and chose not to cross check lists and double check into it. And yes, these were people that would not be affected by HIPA. 

So one problem down, always another to go. Similac seems to think that I am a most valued customer and has put me into their "Gold Moms" program with tons of mailings.... yay fun. I am starting to think that the mailbox may be my worst enemy yet.