1 month

Today marks 1 month since I delivered our little girl. Most nights I relive the experience over and over in my head before I can get any sleep. I feel the pain before the epidural and I see the pain in each of our parent's eyes. I see Tyler holding our baby girl and in one moment, it makes me want to break into a million pieces because of the extreme agony felt. Seeing our daughter in his arms was the single most wonderful and single most gut-wrenching moment of my life. That is what keeps me up at night. That is what makes me cry myself to sleep. To see our whole life in his arms and never know if it will happen for us again. 

A new look...another year

Yesterday I decided that I couldn't stand the look of my blog anymore and I needed to find a new template. After hours of looking for something free and right, I settled on this one. It is the first day of May and with that brings the 3 year anniversary of trying for a child. 3 whole years have been filled with negatives, hundreds of shots, thousands of pills. But I shouldn't say 3 whole years. 7 months of that were the happiest of my life and were filled with absolute bliss expecting Sophia. And 4 of those weeks have been the worst of my life. 

The picture of Sophia's name at the beach was taken by a friend from one of the websites I am on while she was vacationing in Aruba. I didn't know she was going to do this and it meant a lot to see the pictures pop up on the Board. The Beach has always been my very favorite place on Earth and it gives me a little peace to see her name written in the sand. Thanks, L!

Follow up Appointment

Today was my follow up with my OB and it went ok. My blood pressure is back down and I have moved from 3 times a day to 2 times a day, working towards getting me completely off the meds. Today, I also got my appointment with the MFM for June 1st. I will go in, in 3 weeks, for repeat blood tests to go over with the MFM and I want to thoroughly go over what would be if I were to try to get pregnant again and succeed. I want to make sure all of our bases are covered.

I guess that brings up the question "Will we try again?" To be honest, I just don't know if I will ever be able to bring myself to it again. It makes me so sad to know that I will never experience the happiness of pregnancy in its fullest again. I know if I do happen upon a positive procedure, that my nerves will be completely shot for however long I end up expecting. It is a completely pessimistic look at it all, but that is where I am right now, and that is ok.

I hurt. I hurt more than I can possibly put into words and I am not ok. I will tell you I am. I will put on a brave face, but I'm not. I am surviving. I think that is the best way I can put it. Some days I smile. Some days I laugh. Some days I leave the house and others I stay on my couch. I am surviving and that is all I can do right now. Yes, I know I should see a professional, and I have been since this happened, but no matter what she can say or get me to see, I still hurt. It is normal and it will be for as long as I need it to be. I lost my daughter just as I was getting to really know her, and no amount of words is going to change that. This is my grief.

Flowers...

do brighten even the gloomiest of days. Thank you, Kim.

Haunted by my dreams

Sophia has been in my mind so much longer than what I was pregnant. Tyler and I will be together for 15 years in November and she has been a feature of my imagination for at least 10 of those years. I always assumed we would have a little girl first. She would hopefully have Daddy's olive skin and my hair and we would argue over if she would have his eyebrows or not, poor thing. She was always right there in my mind. My little girl who we thought would look a lot like Boo from Monsters, Inc. Now, I feel like my imagination haunts me.

I dream of what Sophia would be like. I have seen her grow up as a toddler and then as a young girl. I wake up shaken and upset, but part of me smiles for what she could have been. It is a hard thing to swallow. How did I even get to this place?

Feeling so Lost

I posted this week about my blood work coming back all messed up and my blood pressure still being high... this is weighing on me so much. My body hates me. I mean really hates me. I truly do not know how much more I can take. I think I am just at a breaking point. I feel so lost, with no true direction. This week I realized that I don't have any answers. My OB is completely at a loss as to why Sophia didn't make it.

Where does that leave us? It took us 2.5 years and 5 embryo transfers just to be lucky enough to get pregnant once with Sophia. Seriously? Why would I even begin to think that we could get lucky again? What makes me think that I could even trust my body with another child to grow? For so long I have concentrated on getting pregnant and now I just don't know. I don't know much of anything anymore. I feel like the further we get from everything, the more I am crumbling. So much pain is in my heart. /vent over

3 weeks ago

3 weeks ago today, I lost you, Baby Girl. I miss you so terribly much. It is gloomy today and raining in patches and that is pretty much how I feel. It is hard to see how I will ever feel better when I feel like I do today. I love you.