November Ballot

There is a bill in MS that is threatening the fidelity of IVF and other ART Treatments. Please read up and empower yourselves on the legislation that is coming into different states around us. 

http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/mississippi-initiative-26.html

30

In two weeks I turn the big 3-0. I always thought I would have a child or two by now. We would be a cute little family doing all kinds of crazy things. But we know the truth... we have a daughter who is no longer with us and we are no closer to having a family of our own.

I think if going through this has taught me anything, it is to take everything else with a grain of salt. You know some say to not let something like a tragedy define you, but it is hard for a loss of this magnitude not to.

And it doesn't even mean that I am defining myself, but so many others are. We are figuring out who truly has our best interests at heart and who is uncomfortable with what we have gone through and can't stand to be bothered by it or us. That can hurt, but I have to take it for face value.

Any more, as things happen, I think to myself "if I am making it through being without Sophie, I can make it through this". Let's be honest. Most things in life are small peanuts. I think it just takes a certain kind of event in your life for you to truly see what the size of those peanuts are.

There are days when 30 is staring me in the face and smacks me a few times, but for the most part, it is just a number and I think I look pretty good for 30. I am proud of where I am today. I didn't give in to depression. I didn't completely crumble and blame anything and everything on what we went through. I have worked incessantly on keeping weight off and I am doing it. These are the things that I can control right now and I need to be able to do that. If this is what I have, then this is what I have and I learning day by day that that is ok.

6 months more...

More than 6 months have gone by and I have stayed quiet. Quiet with my blog. Quiet with my family. Quiet with my friends. I am still hurting. I hurt everyday knowing what I am missing and I don't know if that will ever stop. 

Tomorrow marks the Baby Loss - Infant Loss Remembrance Day. October is a hard month. It marks a half year since losing Sophia and it also marks when we found out we were pregnant. I try not to harp on those days, but they are there. 

But today, I would like to remember my little girl. She gave me the greatest joy I have experienced and is a daily reminder of Tyler and my love for each other. Without her, I would never know just how strong I can be or what I can handle. After losing Sophia, everything else just seems like peanuts. Life goes on and I am trying to embrace that. Some days are much easier than others, but when isn't that true? 

If there is anyone still out there reading this after my huge lapses in posts, thank you. It helps knowing someone is there to listen. (hugs)

Our Weeping Redbud

Appropriately named Heart breaker, this weeping redbud now graces our front yard in memory of our sweet baby girl. We picked it out last weekend and planted it yesterday. Redbuds are one of the earliest to bloom and I know that I need to see some goodness as soon as I can get it come Springtime. Missing her....but remembering her more than anything. Holding her close in my heart. 

Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.

Today marks one year since our little girl passed away. I honestly have gotten through it ok, but not without some Zoloft, tons of support from family and friends and unending love from my husband. It is easy to sit here and think of everything that should be, but that doesn't change anything. Instead of giving in to our grief, we honored our daughter by planting a tree in her memory. It truly is beautiful. Strong, Straight. Small. Planted with love.

So today I say happy birthday, Sophie. You are loved more and more each day by so many people and you share your birthday with your Daddy, who is one of the strongest people on this Earth. We love you so much and think about you. every. single. day. Miss you and love you.

A year is almost gone.

Today is so incredibly hard to pay attention. I am thinking of Sophia, reliving those last few days where I still thought our dream was coming true. Today I question exactly what I was feeling and what I wasn't. For a long time after delivering, my body would trick me into thinking I was feeling her, even after she was gone. So now, I question, but not too much. There are some questions I do not want the answers to. It would be too much.

Some days, it is all too much, but most days I seem to be in a fog of sorts. Not really all the way present or gone, just there. When I think back to all that we have been through, it truly is amazing that we are still going. No one should ever have to decide how to handle their child's remains. We did this with heavy hearts, but in a way that was best for us, not worrying about what others thought. For us, we knew we had to be private, if only for self-preservation. There was no way either of us could handle going through a public visitation. We thought hard and not having strong roots to the area, we decided that if we were to cremate Sophia's remains, we could keep a part of her with us wherever we ended up.  

Our funeral home director took care of all of the details. This was at no cost to us. We found that many places actually waive costs when dealing with infant death. He walked us through the process and our choices and gave us a catalog to choose her urn from. We knew the ashes would be a small amount and that helped lead us to a tiny urn. The urn we were drawn to was made of blown glass and styled in the colors of the four different seasons. This in itself drew out discussion. Sophia was due in the Summer, but came in the Spring. Which one would work better? Which did we like better?

In the end, we both chose a beautiful green and yellow colored urn that was a gorgeous representation of Spring. We also chose to keep some of her ashes separate, to be scattered later. 

The location of our scatter site came from Tyler. The morning after we met with the funeral director, he mentioned wanting to go to the Ocean. There is a place in Florida that we visit almost yearly on the coast. We had gone on a yacht sail the last time we were there, the year before, and knew the Captain had spread ashes before, and that is how we decided. 

So no visitation. No burial. No public mourning. Just something both quiet and private that allowed the two of us to keep it together. We brought home our daughter's beautiful urn and made the plans for going to Florida to place her ashes in the Ocean. 

This happened in August of last year. We booked our condo for a week and headed down the 17 hours. I was a bit nutty about keeping Sophia's box safe. When we stopped for the night, I took her box into the hotel room with us. I know...even though she is gone, I still felt like I had to protect her. 

The Tuesday of our trip, August 17, we took the sailboat out on the Atlantic Ocean and with her ashes tied to a bouquet of flowers, we held hands and released our Sophia Marie to the Sea. The moment was both beautiful and heart-wrenching at the same time. Tyler had our GPS and was able to capture the exact coordinates for the release. We cried. We hugged. We mourned, but our beautiful little girl was in a good place. A place we can visit again.

Today that brings me peace. I know that Sophia is all throughout the Ocean, a place her father and I adore. Now anytime I go to the Sea, I feel her presence, and that is what I need. We both do.

Many days, it does not feel like a year has passed. Many days, it does not feel like I was ever even pregnant. I am so different today that who I was a year ago. I look different, feel different, act different. My feelings are more muted. I am much more guarded as a person. I am quieter and less outgoing. I am much smaller than I was and I struggle to keep a good body image and healthy view of myself. I have changed. I will never be the same person that I was a year ago. 

My daughter and her short life changed me forever. She made me a mother and I am forever grateful and thankful for that. Sophia Marie, Mommy loves you so very much. You are always on my mind and in my heart.

Still breathing....

That is all. <3

What have you done?

Everything I have done is bolded :) What have you done? Some are more bittersweet than others, but it was fun thinking of everything and remembering.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (Disney World) Both!
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Signs

Last year after everything had calmed a bit, my brother and sister in-law brought us a beautiful card and in it was a gift certificate to the local Nursery. We had talked about planting a tree in Sophia's memory and they wanted to help us do that. Tyler and I have gone back and forth with what kind of tree to get. We finally came to the decision that a Redbud would be best. It blooms early and has beautiful pink flowers. It really is a gorgeous tree.

Over the last year, we have struggled to agree on where we should plant the tree when we get it. Today, we went to the Nursery and picked out our tree. We went in thinking we would get a traditional redbud. When we were pointed in the direction, we saw that not only did they have many options, they had weeping redbuds.... how appropriate is that? So we went back and forth looking at all of them and then I read the tag to the weeping ones. They are called the Heartbreaker. Ummm yah..... that would be it. So in the end, we chose a perfectly shaped heartbreaker to hopefully plant next weekend. It really is gorgeous and I don't know if it could have a more appropriate name.

Closer

As we get closer to the one year mark, I have found that I have absolutely no idea how to handle the day. It is my husband's birthday and the day our little girl was born still. How do I wrap my head around that? I don't know what to do. Do I wake up and act like everything is normal? Do I try to have some kind of tradition? I just can't even process it and I know Tyler doesn't know how to handle it either. Man, this sucks...

Is this thing still on?

I have been MIA for quite awhile. Having mostly good days, but it will be 1 yr in just over a month since my sweet little girl left us. Not sure how I can even begin to handle what this next month will bring. Trying to keep myself beyond busy as we get closer to the date. Flying out to NYC to meet up with some fabulous ladies and just trying to be strong.

In a way, I feel like if I make it through a year, I will really be ok. The other part of me is scared that if I continue to struggle, people will see the worst of me, thinking I should move on. Not sure what will be the case, but I know that I owe it to DH to give it my best. He deserves the best.

The trick is to keep breathing.

It's not easy. It takes thought, but with time, it happens a bit more naturally. Today I feel like I have turned a corner from the Holidays. Those were some of my darkest times, only worsened by the incessant cheer that surrounded me. Today I woke up and it was just better. I felt some peace and love and it was nice. I am not sure what changed, but I welcomed it. As always, it is day to day, but I just have to remember to keep breathing.