30

In two weeks I turn the big 3-0. I always thought I would have a child or two by now. We would be a cute little family doing all kinds of crazy things. But we know the truth... we have a daughter who is no longer with us and we are no closer to having a family of our own.

I think if going through this has taught me anything, it is to take everything else with a grain of salt. You know some say to not let something like a tragedy define you, but it is hard for a loss of this magnitude not to.

And it doesn't even mean that I am defining myself, but so many others are. We are figuring out who truly has our best interests at heart and who is uncomfortable with what we have gone through and can't stand to be bothered by it or us. That can hurt, but I have to take it for face value.

Any more, as things happen, I think to myself "if I am making it through being without Sophie, I can make it through this". Let's be honest. Most things in life are small peanuts. I think it just takes a certain kind of event in your life for you to truly see what the size of those peanuts are.

There are days when 30 is staring me in the face and smacks me a few times, but for the most part, it is just a number and I think I look pretty good for 30. I am proud of where I am today. I didn't give in to depression. I didn't completely crumble and blame anything and everything on what we went through. I have worked incessantly on keeping weight off and I am doing it. These are the things that I can control right now and I need to be able to do that. If this is what I have, then this is what I have and I learning day by day that that is ok.