Dear Sophia,

Today is the first day of Summer. Ever since I knew that you had decided to stay with me back in October, I dreamed of this day. Would you be a Spring Baby or a Summer Baby? Early or late? Today is the day you were due to make your appearance. Today is the day everyone would know your name. Today is the day that I mourn you most. 

Sweet girl, Mommy loves you so much. Your nursery was looking so good. We had so many cute things picked out to gives you smiles and giggles. I can't bare to touch your room. Your cousin is coming any day now. We think you two would have been the best of friends. Please watch over her and keep her safe. 

Sophia, you are everything I dreamed of. The moments that I got to hold you are ones that I will cherish for the rest of my life. In those moments, you made me a Mother. You made your Daddy a Daddy. Baby Girl, you are with me each day and I miss you so very much.

Trying to heal

 

Tomorrow marks the day that Sophia should have arrived. Today is the day that Tyler and I should have been celebrating his first Father's Day. Instead of dwelling on those things, I have been doing things that might make me happy. Last week, for our anniversary, Tyler got me a new scooter. It is so cute. It is a red, vintage-style and I have named her "Moxi" :) It has been very freeing to know that I can have the wind in my face at any given time and just get away from it all. Hoping this week goes ok. I am not looking forward to what it could bring to me. I just want peace.

It's Coming

The unbelievable, sinking feeling that I can't get out of. Sadness down to the very core of my existence. Tomorrow would mark 39 weeks. I don't know how I can do this. I don't know how I can get through the next week with any sense of sanity. I am going down South to my parents to help my Mom recover from surgery, but I don't think anything will keep my mind off of what could have been. I have come to the conclusion that I have no understanding of what has become of me.  My circumstances are beyond absurd. Dealing with it is a joke. As of today, I feel like I have been repeatedly run over by a truck, relentless in its attack. It's sad.

I had such a great weekend with my husband to celebrate our Anniversary, but was hit with such a sudden wave of sadness this afternoon. I can't shake my feelings of defeat, misery, absolute failure. I feel so incredibly responsible for the loss of my little angel. I can't shake the guilt. I don't know if I ever will. I can't fake it today. Not anymore. I just don't have it in me anymore.

First Day of Summer = Suckage

Ugh! I don't normally like to whine, but I really need to. Today has sucked like no other. It is my first day off of work and I had to wake up to take Tyler to get the truck worked on, so no sleeping in. Not a biggie, but eh. We got to the mechanic and what we thought would be a certain amount, went to about 3 times more than what we thought it was going to be. Not good news at 8am.

From there, we went to Tyler's work to pick up his co-worker and headed over to the Engineering Campus for Adobe Day. We were attending a 2 hr overview on the new CS5 suites. That went alright. Nothing too big, but I have to say, the content aware feature of Photoshop is some kind of Black-Magic Voodoo. So unbelievably amazing :)

Lunch was at Chipotle and we left with full tummies. Again nothing happened. And then it seemed to go down hill in a hurry. I studied up on my motorcycle test questions. Yes, you saw that correctly. I planned on getting my L class license today. As I got to the front of the line, I was told that I would have to take the road test as well, and that is not what I had been told before. So I ended up getting my motorcycle permit and I will take the road test later. I was so disappointed. I had big plans for that license. So yah. DMV = suck.

Got to my car and had a message from the mechanic. This is when we found out the cost had gone up even more, and had now doubled from even the new price from the morning. Major Suck!

Money leaving bank account faster than we can blink = Tyler in a bad mood = Lindsay getting really sad = just a bad day.

Topped it off with a sales guy coming by the house trying to sell alarm systems and not being happy when he left without a contract.

I am ready for tomorrow. I want a good day, damnit. A good day.

To Write Their Names in the Sand

There is a lady in Australia who takes pictures of names in the sand of children gone too soon. The site is To Write Their Names in the Sand. Carly writes the names requested in the sand of a beach in Perth, Australia. The last time she took names, I was able to get my request in and Sophia's name has just gone up on her site. In a way, it hurts my heart to see it, to know why it is there, but it also brings some peace as well. These photos are done in memorial of her son, and it is a beautiful tribute to these precious babies. I will treasure this photograph always. Thank you, Carly. 

The tale of Pre-E

Today was my appointment with the MFM specialist. The good news: I don't have Lupus. The bad news: Pre-eclampsia is what caused the demise of my pregnancy. For those of you who have known me throughout this process, you know that pre-e was my worst fear. It is in my family history, even though most Doctors will tell you that it is not hereditary. I lost my little girl to it. Pre-eclampsia causes a spike in blood pressure and can effect the placenta and fetus. In my case, it caused hypertension, growth restriction, lack of placental growth and ultimately, stillbirth. 

I also was diagnosed with hetero MTHFR today.  Basically, my body does not process folic acid well and it can cause some clotting issues. I was already being treated as if I had this before, so it won't be anything new to the routine for later. 

I think for the first time in a long time, I don't know what I want. We were told that I had at least a 20% chance of having pre-e again. He went as high as 50%. That is sitting on me pretty hard. There was also talk of how big of a risk it would be to me to develop pre-e again. It is life-threatening if it gets out of hand. From experience, I know it can go full-blown in a matter of a day, even hours. So what do I do with this information? When is the risk too great? Right now,  I just don't know.