Moving Over...

Lately, I decided to move to a new blog for the new pregnancy. This blog has been my refuge through IF and losing Sophie and I think I am ready for a new start. Lord knows I will never forget where I have been or where I came from... but part of me just wants to look forward. 

You can find the new blog at Dos Bambinos.

One heartbeat...two heartbeats.

Soooo....we have dos amigos! It's twins. Baby A had a hb of 150 and Baby B was at 117. :) We have taken the past week to get used to the idea. We are both thrilled with the news. Much work to be done, but for right now, we have healthy babies. I go back in for my next u/s on 9/4. Til then... one day at a time. :)

I have been keeping a secret...

If you know me outside of my blog, please don't let this out. We are being very quiet about this until we can figure out how to handle being pregnant again. Thanks :)

It appears as though IVF #7 has worked.  I am pregnant. :) The last couple of weeks have been pretty rough. It started after our ER. I got bloated pretty bad, but by about our ET, I was feeling better and by the weekend, things were back to normal. Monday morning, I woke up and was feeling back to bloated and I was really queasy. Curious.... Tuesday it was worse.... and this was while I was in training at School.  Wednesday I started having a hard time breathing because of the bloat, and by Thursday, I had fullblown OHSS. In fact, I was feeling so bloated, I knew at that point that if I took a test it would come up positive....and it did. 3weeks4days and I knew :)

Thursday also meant that I called my RE to talk about OHSS. The pain was incredible. My stomach was so tight and I was just miserable. They got me all set up for testing Friday morning, which was to be my Beta Day. I ended up sleeping in the recliner and made it through the night, but not without thinking I might end up in the Emergency Room. 

Friday morning, I set out for the Clinic. At 11, I had my blood drawn and by noon I had had an u/s to check fluid levels and another blood draw. They had me set up in a recliner in the office. I was going to have to be drained.... Off to the hospital I went.

7 hours after heading out for a quick blood draw, I got back home. I had 2 IV bags of fluid. I had 850ml drained from my stomach and I felt so much better. Tyler came with me and I think I about squeezed his hand off during the procedure. We also found out that our beta came back at 134 at 9dp3dt, which is a very strong number.

We have since had 3 more betas and all is looking very good. We go in for our ultrasound on the 15th. Until then.... one day at a time.

If 3 doesn't do it, maybe 4 will....

Got the call this morning that we had 4 very nice blastocysts make it to freeze. The embryologist said they looked very nice. Sometimes, it is nice to know that there could be a plan B if needed.... even though we all know how our frozen cycles go. But 4, 4 I will take.

Night Moves

Transfer happened after 9pm est last night. Weird timing, but that is what happens when your RE is shared between his own clinic and 2 others. He is a popular man. We transferred beautiful embies and had a pretty easy time of it. I even won the award for Fullest Bladder... an award I do not recommend aspiring to receive. 

We also found out that all but one of our embies were still growing very well. We are really happy with the results. 

Now we will see what this brings us... fingers and toes crossed!

Fert Report

Got the word today that all 13 eggs were mature and 10 fertilized! This is wonderful news. Somehow the double-digits just put your mind at ease. Transfer is going to be Wednesday night.... yes, night. My RE is actually here in town on Wednesday and not 2 hours away from us at his lab, so we will transfer when he gets back for the day. Crazy times! It does mean we get to go over early for Cheesecake Factory! :)

Sunday Calling

5:45am came very early, especially when it was truly 4:45am my time and our hotel was craptastic with lots of noise through 1am. After we left the hotel, things... well, things kept going :)

We got settled in to the new location and immediately missed the old IVF lab. The newbies at this lab didn't know what they were missing. We got paperwork filled out and I got brought back to my room. My IV didn't go too hot, which had been the topic of the week. The first IV site lead to my hand filling with liquid and looking like an alien was trying to burst out. The second IV site gave nothing and then another lady was brought in who finally got my arm all set up.

I set about to cracking my jokes. (it's the only way I can get through all this) and gave my RE a hard time for having flip flops on and running late. (His daughter ran his gas tank down the night before) Got brought back to the ER room and placed an order for a cheeseburger and fries with the embryologist through the lab window.... and I was out :)

Woke up to 13 eggs being retrieved. He couldn't reach them all, so I am not sure how many were missed. We are happy with 13 though. Seems like a lucky number. :)

I have been sick all day with nausea and dizziness so I have stopped my pain meds. Hoping this helps!

Happy Hour Trigger

Got the call this afternoon that we would be doing a 6:30pm trigger. We had plans to go to our local Happy Hour before heading out of town, which means we would be adding to our list of funny places to do shots.

The time comes and I have DH follow me into the women's bathroom with my makeshift cooler in my purse. We are getting ready to inject and the door handle starts to jiggle. We die laughing. DH even starts making noises, which was killing me. We finish up and I open the door. Funny thing is, we know the girl on the other side. I say Hi and move on. After I move, I hear "ohh!" when DH is framed in the door. :) Ha! Oh well, we were making a baby :)

Retrieval is Sunday morning!

Stim Check #3

Everything looks great. We have 26 measurable follies all in a range from 20-9. Looking at over a dozen eggs when the time comes. Will get the call this afternoon when trigger will be. E2 is over 4000. :)

Stim Check #2

We find ourselves with about 12 on the right and 7 on the left. E2 is about 2212. Looking at follies anywhere from 18 and down. Not quite ready yet. Will be coasting from here on out and getting a check again on Friday!

Stim Check #1

This morning I had my first progress check to see how my follicle counts are going. This will be day 7 of stims. So far we know that the right side has about 10 follies and the left has 5 that are measurable. I am happy with this. Estradiol seems to be at about 1200. Nurse seems happy with things and I should hear back this afternoon so see what the plan is. 

My MFM appointment went well on Friday, as well. She gave me some options that I am mulling over for plan of care, if I should become pregnant. Also, she was willing to listen and try to understand where I was coming from, which meant the most. I feel so much better after that appointment. The bad thing is, she is leaving my Clinic after mid-August. So we will see how that affects things. Right now there is about a 30-70% chance of recurrence, which I am not too hip on, but we know so much more this time than we did before. That lovely hindsight should help.

Not amused.

So our a/c just went out. The ducts were blowing out 90degree air. I will just say that this is the cruelest trick to play on a woman taking Lupron and having hot flashes like they are going out of style.

Not amused! I see our favorite neighborhood bar in our very near future.

Guarded

It is Day 3 of Stims. My RE is stimming me hard this time, knowing I will not be doing another fresh cycle and I find myself truly guarded during this cycle. I am not allowing myself to feel much about anything. I don't think I can.

Yesterday, I was talking to Tyler and I decided that I was truly more scared of this working than if it didn't. I know in my heart of hearts that if this doesn't pan out, we will be ok. We are a fantastic couple. We love to spend time together and be together. A baby, or lack thereof,  is not going to change that. Now, on the other hand, if it does work.....

Friday, I have an appointment with my MFM to go over a game plan as to if this work. I need to know what they are going to do to keep me safe and our bab(y/ies) safe. Truly, I am scared shitless of the same scenario playing out. I need to know that I am going to be taken care of. *sigh* The fun is almost starting :)

Forget how much it hurts and try again...

Yesterday was the start of our last fresh IVF. I had bloodwork drawn, a baseline u/s and everything looks good to go. It took us a long time to get to this point. I am still unsure of where we are and what we are truly doing. My heart is torn, one missing Sophia, the other feeling bad for trying to replace what we miss so very much.

My medical team... yes, I have a team, are very much behind us in every way. They are ultra protective and only want to see us come home with a bundle of joy. I have a wonderful community of ladies who are rooting for us in every way, and our families are on high alert, hoping and wishing us all the best.

So it is... Game on!

My Shoes

I found this today and felt compelled to post it. Mother's Day is so very hard for me to cope with. I wish nothing but the very best for all the varieties of Mothers out there, but today, I hide like it is my job. ((hugs))

 

My Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Another Year Gone

Today marks 2 years since we said goodbye to Sophia. I have been struggling to find profound words to how my life has turned out, but strangely, I am feeling quiet.

Her weeping redbud has bloomed and greeted us back from a trip with great beauty. My school staff was able to raise $150 on Jeans for a Cause day that was donated to March of Dimes in her honor.

I am trying. I am trying with all my might to make it through. Today is Tyler's birthday, too, and I am concentrating on making him as happy as I can. It is what I have to do to get through. So here comes good food, good drinks and good friends.

If I can't have my baby home, I will try to live happy in her honor. Thanks for checking in. We're still kicking.

Broken.

That might be the best way to describe myself lately. I have been keeping to myself, fighting this nagging feeling of slipping into a deep, cold depression. You would think that after almost 2 years, things would be better for us, and they were.... until December. 

On November 19th, I turned 30, in the midst of a surprise birthday party thrown by my husband. The following weekend, I "ran" my first 5k. I had been on some major meds to deal with a back injury from breaking up a fight at school, so my 5k was really a slow jog and even slower walk with my brother going along for the ride. I just didn't feel right. It was Thanksgiving weekend and I was tired and just worn out...more than usual. 

The Monday after Turkey Day, I realized that I was more than a week late. With my surprise birthday party and Thanksgiving all happening, I just didn't really think about it until we got home. So Monday after work, I made an idiot out of myself and bought a few hpts... except I wasn't an idiot. I was pregnant. Naturally. As in this will never happen by itself naturally. 

And in one second, we were acting like happily expecting parents... again. The next day, I had my blood drawn and the beta came back in the 170s. It was an ok number, but I felt like it should be higher, thinking I was more than 5 weeks at that point. My second beta rose, but not enough. And then it rose again and again, but never doubling. I was having an ectopic pregnancy. Our Christmas Party was the day we found out that the pregnancy was not viable. I had to put on my happy face and act like everything was fantastic, hosting 30 of our coworkers and friends, all the while dying inside. 

We have been told that the chances that this happened are something like less than 5%. The likelihood of it happening again is even less. The people that know were encouraged that it happened on its own and could again, but we know it most likely never will. At first, I wanted to get right back to the RE and do another IVF, but now I just don't know. That damn dangling carrot killed us. 

I don't understand why I would get pregnant naturally, after everything we have been through, only to have to go through a miscarriage. We were so incredibly happy in the few days where we thought everything was ok. We allowed ourselves to be happy and excited and then life happened.

We didn't tell many, knowing that Christmas was right around the corner and not wanting to bring others down. 

Today, I am struggling. Struggling at making a decision to try again. If I am being honest, I don't know how much more I can lose. I am so incredibly taken care of in so many other aspects of life, but this just leaves a hole in my heart like no other. 

If I didn't tell you, it was because I didn't want you to hurt for us more than you have already. Honestly, this hurt, but nothing can compare to losing Sophia. I guess I just felt like I needed to write this out. Not for comments or sympathy. Just for me. 

Never have words been so true...

Taken from Small Bird Studios

When You Lose a Baby

February 5, 2012 By Franchesca 

You don’t know what to expect.
People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.
You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.

You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.
And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.

You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.

It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.

You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.
You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.
The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.

Forever.

You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.
You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.

You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.

You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.

You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.

Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.

You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.

You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.

You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.

Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.

People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.

You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.

There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.

You lose friends. You find new ones.

You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.

You would do anything for another minute with your child.

You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.

You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.
You want to know what went wrong, and why…

You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.

You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.

You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.

You learn to live with the pain.

You are better for having known them at all.