I can't believe this is happening... again.

I don't know why the odds are stacked against us like they are. Our Docs brag upon high on how wonderful our embryos are and then when I get them back.... I kill them. This is how I think of it and I know it kills DH. I feel so much guilt. I have a hard time looking DH in the eye and knowing that I am responsible for him not being a Daddy this Christmas. You can say that things happen... but it is Science... I do teach that afterall. My body rejects the embryos, as good as they can be.... I won't accept them. What does that mean? Why?

I have to walk down my halls and see my little kids getting knocked up by other little kids and then pawning the babies off to Grandma. I hate this. I hate my reality right now that so many of my students, jr high kids, will be parents before I will get a chance.

My Mom and Dad had 5 kids and then quit. It was always believed I would be just as fertile, but the truth is, I can't make them the Grandparents that they are dying to be.

My heart hurts so much to know this. We can sugar coat anything, but this is reality. Let's face it.... 2008 has pretty much blown. We had such high hopes of being pregnant after starting treatments in the early spring and now we are at the end with nothing to show by a body drilled with shots, broken, and an empty bank account.

I know I am blessed to have a family that is as supportive as they are and a husband who cannot be described in words.... they wouldn't do him justice... but I just feel awful for what I cannot give them.

Bad News

Beta came back negative. My body was playing tricks on me and I am heartbroken..... again. Strangely the emotions are not as outward. I am pushing it down, not intentionally, but I know where they are going. Put on my game face. Story of my life.

You would think I would have some good news at some point. It doesn't seem to be in the cards. Part of me wants to hang this up and get on with life. I have lost a lot of myself during the past 2 years. I don't feel the same. I don't feel like myself. I just want to feel like I have accomplished something. I have too many failures under my belt.

Ignorance is Bliss

I am a chicken shit. Truly. I know I could test right now and have a good idea if this worked or not, but I am scared beyond words. I am going to wait until Tuesday and find out with the blood test. Here are the facts:

Beta is Tuesday
Right now I have:
-Sore ta-tas (probably from the progesterone)
-Metallic taste in mouth (known as an early pregnancy sign)
-dizziness
-fatigue
-nausea at time
-pains in lower abdomen (twinges, slight pulls)

So honestly, it could go both ways. Anyone dealing with IF knows that the drugs you are on during the 2ww can make these symptoms just as easy as actually being preggo. I want this Christmas wish so badly, but I know it could possibly not happen. My family and friends have no idea when I am testing so I won't have all the pressure this time.

Still keeping my fingers crossed.

Took the long way home

This week has been a test, that I am sure.

Tuesday after we got the fert report, things were going OK. I was pleasantly hopped up on some Darvocet and not feeling too bad. I got a call around 4:30 and it was my NP saying that we would be doing a 3 day transfer at 10:45 et on Thursday. I was upset because I thought it would be a 5 day with 7 embies doing well. My sister was on the other line and I got back to her and I was just crushed. So sad. My grandpa's funeral was at 9am ct and the hospital was 3 hours away. I would miss burying my Grandpa.

The next morning I took Tyler into the car shop to drop off the Jeep (yes it broke this week too) and as we got to his work, we got a phone call. I look down and see it is from the Lab. She tells me that we are ready for a 5 day transfer. All I could say was what?! I had already called my boss switching plans for being off and told my family I wouldn't make it to the funeral and now it was being switched?! It was bittersweet, and I was way confused. I told the lab director that the office had called me yesterday with Day 3 info. She said they shouldn't have called at all. They had to schedule it just in case, because it woule be too late the day before, but they are supposed to wait to call me. The lab director then said that I would get a call Thursday with the time.

I asked her if she could tell me how my embies were doing, and she said all 7 were progressing with little to no fragmentation and only one was behind, and just by one cell. She said they were doing very good. We were so happy to hear that.

The rest of that day I spent being careful with my belly and ovaries, and packed for the visitation and funeral. We left early afternoon and made the long trip to my birthplace. The visitation was so hard. It was nice to see everyone but so sad in such circumstances.

Thursday morning we buried my Grandfather and had a wonderful luncheon put on by the women of the parish. We then gathered at my Grandma's and spent time with each other. My mom was thrilled to be around me, even with why it was that we were together. Later that afternoon I realized that no one had called to tell me when the transfer would be. I called the office but was not allowed to talk to anyone due to an inept receptionist that had no idea what IVF was.... yah, just what I wanted to deal with.

Friday morning on my way back to work, I called and got ahold of my preferred NP and she had no idea that I was doing a 5 day transfer. I do most of my appointments at the contracted practice, so communication is not always the best between the main practice and mine. This was a perfect example. Nurse M called over to the lab and figured it all out and called me back. Through 3 voice mails, I learned that my tranfer had changed times twice and a different Dr would be doing the transfer.

Just one more thing not going right this week. Saturday we got to the hospital nice and early and had a pretty uneventful time. The woman in front of me had 43 eggs, so we were waiting for awhile for her to be completed. I felt sorry for the poor thing, knowing how sore she would be. My transfer went well. The new DR was cocky and confident, and I didn't mind it. Our blasts looked great in our pic and we could see what would hatch, what woud be the placenta and where the embryo was. Kind of crazy to see first hand.

The ride home was a mess. We had an ice storm move in, in the time we were in the hospital. 2 1/2 long hours later we were home safe and sound. Tyler was as frazzled as they get, but the proud Hubby got his famiy home and into bed.

I have been resting ever since. My brother and his wife came over last night to make us spaghetti and meatballs (divine!) and I just tried to lay as much as possible. Good things are happening now, I just need my angel to help me out on this one. Love you Grandpa.

Fert Report

Got the call bright and early this morning.
Here are the numbers:

13 eggs retrieved - down from last time

11 eggs mature - same as last time, but a higher percentage

7 eggs fertilized - more than last time :)


We have 7 embryos fighting to grow big and strong. I will find out later today if it will be a 3 day or 5 day transfer. Keep your fingers crossed for the 5 day.