Feeling so Full!

Tonight we are at the inlaws and I feel so full. We ate at TGI Friday's and I enjoyed a nice dinner, but I still feel so bleh! I think I have felt bloated since I was doing estrogen for our FET and it just hasn't gone away.

Started Lupron tonight... stims coming soon... more feeling full to come. Atleast I have my yoga pants on :)

IVF #2 is on like Donkey Kong

Dr. J walked in to the room, and boy, that man just knows how to put you at ease. DH and I feel so comfortable with him, even under the circumstances. We let us know that he really couldn't figure out why our embryos didn't make it through the freeze/thaw. We thought this would be the case. Dr. J did indicate that he thought something might have not gone right at the lab, as much as he has every confidence in the world with the lab. He said our embryos are too good for this to be happening.

I asked him if we should worry about our embryos, if they were good enough? And he repeated again and again that they were very good. We felt better.

We then talked about what would be different this time. He wants to get past the 3-day mark and let them grow out to blast. So we will be doing a 5 day transfer and if we can, a 5 day thaw. We increased the FSH just a little and decreased the Lupron. Here is the schedule:

Now: BCP
10/25: Lupron starts
11/6: FSH begins (follistim and then bravelle/menopur)
Week of 11/17: ER
and 5 days later... ET

In good news, I expressed our disappointment in spending so much on cryopreservation all for nothing. He then let us know that he would like to do the next freeze for free. We were flabberghasted. I cried ad we both thanked him for his kindenss. It was definitely a light at the end of our tunnel today. This man is a good man, and he is doing everything he can to get us our baby. Wish us luck!

Appointment tomorrow

Tomorrow is when we try to find out some answers to our woes. I am bummed tonight, not because we get to possibly get some answers, but because it makes me remember that I don't have my snowbabies. I just wanted a chance.... Hopefully answers soon.

A list of Dos and Don'ts from Resolve

By Diane Clapp, BSN, RN and Merle Bombardieri, LICSW

Coping with Infertility can be extremely difficult for the family and friends of the couple going through infertility. As with any crisis it is difficult to know what to say. Because infertility is such a sensitive topic it is important to understand what you can and cannot say.

Let's start with what doesn't help, because the more you continue to say the wrong thing inadvertently, the deeper the rift will be between you and the couple. There is a universal list of No-No's that most infertile couples agree on. The following do's and don'ts should help you support the individual or couple who is struggling with infertility.

Don't Try to minimize the problem by saying, "Don't worry. At least you have each other and don't have cancer."

Do Listen to what the couple has to say about their experience and express empathy for their difficulties.

Don't Tell a couple who has had a miscarriage that it wasn't meant to be or that you know that they will be pregnant again soon and it will work the next time.

Do Realize that the couple has just lost a specific potential child who will never come again, no matter how wonderful the next pregnancy may be. Acknowledge how sad they must feel. Use the words "loss and sorrow"; don't be afraid to use the words that probably describe how the couple must feel.

Don't Give medical advice or doctor referrals without being asked or hearing the couple say they are looking for new information or referrals.

Do Tell the couple know that you'll be happy to listen to any details they want to share with you and that you would like to offer support during any procedures by a phone call or by offering to go with them to a medical appointment.

Don't Assume that new medical breakthroughs you read about in the paper will solve the couple's problems. The breakthrough announced by the news media may be irrelevant and if it is relevant, chances are the couple has seen the article and their medical team is knowledgeable about it.

Do Ask the couple if there are any books or articles that you could read to understand what they are going through medically.

Don't Expect the couple to act happy about attending baby showers, christenings and other family events that feature pregnant women and new babies.

Do Give them plenty of opportunity to decide whether to attend an event or whether to come late or leave early. They will not feel the need to avoid babies forever, but less contact right now may be a necessary part of their healing process.

Don't Start a discussion about infertility without paying attention to timing and to the couple's openness.

Do Choose a time when the couple's privacy is assured and ask the couple if they would like to talk. Couples experiencing infertility often feel out of control. Your letting them choose whether and when to talk about it gives them back some control.

Don't Assume that it is fine if you talk to your son's wife or your daughter's husband about their situation.

Do Respect the privacy needs of each individual and do not assume that they both want to talk about it with you.

Don't Offer unsolicited stories about others who have been successful at treatment or adoption.

Do Tell them if they are ever interested you could put them in touch with a couple willing to talk about their infertility experience or adoption process. Let them decide whether they want to pursue that information. As a parent, family member, or friend, you want to make it better for the couple, to take away the pain. But probably the greatest gift you can give your loved one or friend is to be a listener, a sounding board. Instead of erasing the pain, you can diminish it by your caring. One of the hardest questions to ask someone is, "How can I help you?" It is such a difficult question because you should be prepared for their answer and not the answer that you think they will say or should say. To ask that question and to trust the response that you hear is a powerful step in your efforts to help the couple struggling with this kind of crisis.

Infertility Awareness Week

Today begins a week that I wish I did not know so intimately. Please take a look at what Resolve brings to light and do what you can to help out women and men everywhere who struggle daily to achieve their dream of having a family.

Maybe answers?

The week after our failure was a bad one. The Dr's office never called. We had only heard from our embryologist the day our embies died. I waited a week and then called. I didn't get a call back for 3 days. I finally reached my primary nurse, and I was just beyond myself. Really upset. We talked and I found out that she had no idea that the transfer had not taken place.

This was very upsetting. Communication was not happening between the lab and 2 offices. So I let her in on what happened. We had lost all 4 embies. The transfer did not take place. She let me know that they would have called to see why I hadn't taken the preggo test. Ugh!

I let her know that we did not want to wait until November to talk to Dr. J and she squeezed us in for the 22nd. SO now we wait... and I keep thinking of questions I want the answers to. Ty figured it out that it was less than a 1% chance of all 4 embies dying.... I want answers.

The Long Weekend

We ran away. We actually did it. Tyler doesn’t like to say ran away, because it insinuates that we were hiding from something. I, on the other hand, fully ran away from my emotional breakdown that was only a short time from coming.

So where did we go? Toronto. Yes we went all the way to Canada. Less than 12 hours after deciding it was time to leave, we were on the road to Canada. It took more than 12 hours and we ran into a ton of construction, but we made it. I am so glad we did it. We both needed the refuge.

Wednesday evening, after the news settled in, and with the impending 2 “bed rest” days coming, I couldn’t fathom staying home. I was on the Nest reading some very nice notes from some wonderful girls, and I just couldn’t deal. The tears were coming and I didn’t want to break down. Ty was trying to hold me whenever he could, but I didn’t want to let him. I wanted to stay strong, because I knew if I broke, it was over. I would be a mess for no less than the 4 days coming at us, and it would be a sad sight. So I looked over at my hubby and asked him if he wanted to leave. Without hesitancy, he agreed that we needed to get away.

At first, we were looking into short little trips… Kohler, WI…. Iowa’s Beer Fest…. You know, normal 3-4 hours trips, but that just didn’t stick. Then it happened. What about Toronto? I think Tyler brought it up, I am almost sure he did, and I ran with it. I was all about running away to Canada. It was a different place. Neither of us had been and I would have to think about our new surroundings more than sink into my sorrow. I was all in. Then we talked about Niagra. It was settled. I called my brother that night to let him know what had happened. See, we hadn’t told anyone we were doing a transfer, let alone that all of our embryos were gone, and we needed someone to look in on our kitty. SO I let him know that we were heading to Toronto. I think I scared him a bit. I reassured him that I was ok, Ty was ok, we just needed to leave. He was very supportive and let us know it would be ok, and that our kitty would be just fine.

Next we looked into hotels and deemed one appropriate. We picked the #1 hotel in Toronto according to TripAdvisor and then I realized that we would need our birth certificates to cross through customs. This posed a dilemma. Our birth certs are kept at the bank for safe-keeping. The bank doesn’t open until 9am. We did what we could, got everything together and headed to bed.

The next morning we woke up to much excitement and little bit of shock, ok a lot of shock. We were heading to Canada. We got packed, went to the bank, found our birth certs, locked up and headed out. I got a call from my Mom that my Grandma had fallen and broken her hip and would need surgery. I played it cool, made sure she was ok and we went about our trip. I didn’t need to worry my Mom more with my problems.

Our road trip was pretty uneventful. Lots of construction, many tears as we passed by the lab that had our embies not 36 hours earlier, but we made it to Toronto just fine. In one piece, away from reality.
While there, we took a Hippo Bus tour. This is one of those things that can go on both land and sea. The tour guide commended us on our enthusiasm despite the cold weather. It was cold and somewhat cloudy, but so was I, so I didn’t mind. We had a great time touring around the city and seeing the sites. That day for lunch, we went to a great little Italian place not far from the tour place called Joe Badali's and had a great sandwich and wonderful risotto. (We had always wanted to try risotto due to Chef Ramsay) We then headed back to the hotel to change into something a little warmer and went back out. Our first destination after lunch was the CN Tower. It is the world's largest tower and was so cool to go up into. We went to the observation deck, the sky pod and the glass floor. If you ever get a chance, you should check it out. Next we found a large mall and found our Christmas ornament for this year and then we went to what is called the Distillery District for a night out. There we found the Mill St. BrewPub. Had several different brews and enjoyed crab cakes and wings, watched the baseball playoffs and hockey pre-season and then headed back to our hotel. We had walked most of the day, so we were ready for a semi-early night. Tyler passed out pretty quick.



We woke up the next morning and head out for Niagra Falls. To say the least, it was amazing. It was so much more than I thought it would be, and I am so happy to have seen this with the love of my life. He is so my rock.

Why did we do this? I haven't broken down and I have been home for more than 7 hours. This is a plus. I have cried just a little bit, but I am doing ok. This is why we left. Ty seems to be doing ok too. We haven't had any word from the Dr. Office. We only had the call from the lab. Do I wait for the call from the office? Do I just wait for the wtf appointment in November?

We just want answers. We have grieved in our own way...but we do want answers.

And then there were none...

OK, so I will let you in on our dirty secret. I was supposed to do another transfer tomorrow using 2 of our frozen embryos. I have been taking meds for weeks and shots for days and we had a hotel reservation tonight near the hospital. We were more than ready to bring our embies home.

Today we received horrible news that none of our embryos made it through the thaw. At first, I thought just our 2 that were picked for tomorrow, but then the embryologist told me it was all 4. We have no more in reserve.

I am not sure how to put into words the amount of loss I feel right now. We had figured we would have 2 tries with our little frozen guys, but it isn't to be. They are gone. Ty canceled the hotel for tonight and right now we are ready to run away. I had taken off the next two days for bedrest, and right now they are going to be used for mental stability recovery.

I seriously think we will head for Canada. I need to be somewhere different; somewhere to take both of our minds off things. I will keep you posted. Thanks for checking in.

*Kriddy and V* We didn't tell anyone we were doing this, not even family. We just kind of want to keep it on the down-low. I am not sure when we will tell them we lost them all. Thanks for understanding. Love ya.