Mixed Business

I haven't written too much here lately..... 1. because we have been gone a ton and 2. I feel like I keep repeating myself. After we got our last bfn, I just shut off. I have pretty much removed myself from the process and seem to have thrown in the towel. I don't feel the strength to do more damn treatments. I don't want to miss more work and worry about all that goes with it. I am just done. 

I don't know if I will keep feeling done, but my body is tired. I hate not being able to plan anything in our life without worrying about "if" I am doing a treatment and "if" I am pregnant or on bed rest. Right now, I am just not able to handle it. I am tired. I am broken. And I am sure as hell not getting any younger. And this brings up another point.... if fertility dives when you hit 30, what could I possibly have left?

I know I don't have much left. I don't have much of anything left to give to this battle, but I won't let myself stop without putting it all on the table. Some little boy or girl deserves Tyler as a father more than anything, and I just have to get to that point....however it may be.

Tried again...failed again.

On the 3rd, we did FET #3. Out of five embryos frozen, only two made the thaw. Bad thaw results again. With much heaviness on our hearts, we transferred the two and we waited. I was queasy some so that made me feel good. Then on the 11th, I tested and it was negative..along with two more negatives the next two days and a neg blood test just to seal the deal. Now we are in Florida to spread our daughter's ashes. I honestly don't know if there is a better place for me than on the beach right now. So here we are again....6 transfers and only grief to show. Thank you for all of the support. I don't know where this leaves us but I know we will be breaking for a good while. Love to you all.

-lindsay

Asking for your help

I teach Junior High Earth Science and I am trying to get a Library for my classroom funded through DonorsChoose.org. There is a movie coming out called "Waiting for Superman" and if you pledge to see this movie, they will send you a $5.00 code that you can then apply to my project on DonorsChoose.org.

I know I have many readers out there in the shadows :) I am asking for just a bit of your time to try and make this happen. It was my first big thing I hopped into after losing Sophia and I hold this special to my heart.

Here is the link for the movie: http://www.waitingforsuperman.com/


and here is the link for my project on DonorsChoose:
http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=396526&verify=1899512913

Any bit would help and I appreciate it greatly! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

-Lindsay

It's the Little Things

When you deal with Infertility, there is so much bad that can happen almost daily, that you really take and cherish the little things in life, when you can. Yesterday I had one of those moments, in the middle of a very big moment. My little thing was Tyler holding my hand and stroking my hair as two of our embryos were transferred back into me. Yes, you read that right, we are trying again. 

It has been an emotional roller coaster of gargantuan proportions, but we made it through and I am now on bedrest. I don't know what the coming weeks will bring, but I have hope for this cycle. I have to have hope. I have to do something to getting back to being happy and this is my way. I can't describe the amount of love I felt for my husband in the moments of our transfer. It is such a cognisant moment. When you are fertile, you don't really know if anything is happening... if the sperm is meeting the egg. With a transfer, you actually watch the embryo being put into place. It is such an overpowering sight.

It was very emotional. Dr. J knew the emotions were very raw for us. I was glad to be back home by lunchtime and have been in bed ever since. Bed got to me a bit, so I am now on couch duty for the rest of the week, hoping good things are happening. I have been very quiet about all of this and truly contemplated never speaking a word of it until/or if I started to show. Yah...I can't keep very quiet. So if you have any spare well wishes, I could really use the cheerleading.

And speaking of Cheerleaders, I have a huge one out in the Bronx. My dear friend sent a lovely care package before my procedure on Tuesday with lucky socks (they were even polka dots!) and some sticky dust as well. Love this girl so much. :)

Love to you all.