Yikes

So I have been a pretty bad emotional wreck lately. I don't feel like I am going to ever be a mother. It is hard to see so many pregnant friends and people around me. One of my students may be preggo with a 2nd child, and I teach jr. high. I am just done emotionally. I can't handle much more right now.

My eye is wigging out due to stress and I just don't feel like me. We are heading away for the weekend to our family's cabin and then to the St Louis Cardinals last game of the season. This should be the relaxation I need and crave so much. Right now I just want to curl in with Ty on the couch and watch my estrovision, I mean TIVO, loaded with all my girly shows.

I have a doc appt this afternoon to check levels and see how I am doing. Hope all is well with a good ending to the week. Have a good weekend!

It's Been Quiet Lately

We are starting to get excited about things again. We have had a lot of time to think about our progress and feel like things are lining up. Today I talked with my boss about my infertility and filled him on on what went down, (in broad terms), this summer and what we are looking at in the future. I let him know that I would be gone somewhat often, and sometimes with little notice, and he was okay with it. He thanked me for letting him know, but most importantly wished us all the best and said he knew it would happen for us. That means a lot coming from a man I truly respect and want the best for. So I left his office feeling good and having a big weight off my shoulder.

This weekend was a great weekend with my hubby, but I had my sad moments. I was just feeling down about not being preggo yet. A good friend of ours just had a baby, as well as a co-worker, and it is just getting to me. I held my co-worker's daughter when she was 16 hours old and fell in love. I made it out of the maternity ward without crying and held it together. So I know I can deal... I just like I shouldn't have to.

Today I was warned by my very good friend that an acquaintance has gotten preggo. Now this particular girl just rubs me the wrong way, and I cannot see her as a mother, but I do wish her all the best.

This is the same girl who couldn't stop talking about not really trying, but not stopping pregnancy from happening. It's called unprotected sex. It is not a phenom. If you are fertile, you are likely to get preggo. Deal with it. It is nothing to blab on and on about. This particular convo happened the week after our failed IVF and fave chicki saved me a few times from breaking down that evening. Love you!

SO yah, a post about a whole lot of nothing... but something none the less. Off to drink some beers and eat some grub. Leave me a note with what is going on with you if you choose!

"It Should Have Worked"

These were the first words out of Dr. J's mouth when we met with him Wednesday. This gives me hope. No, it didn't work, but he has faith that it will work. And we have chances. We have 4 frozen perfect embryos waiting for when we are ready.

Overall the appointment went well. He was very reassuring and made some changes to what our protocol will be for our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). I will be taking PIO shots instead of the pills. The shots come with a 1 1/2 inch needle, which will just be jolly. And we will be doing a mock transfer so nothing comes as a surprise for the real transfer with our little ones waiting in the wings. I feel good. Ty feels good. Now we wait for the right time.

The WTF appointment

Tomorrow is our WTF appointment and I am a little nervous. I want to know what our Dr. has to say and where he thinks we should go. It should be interesting.

We are doing better. Life is getting back to normal, as normal as it can be and things are looking up. I still think of our embies quite a bit, but I know we have 4 waiting for us as well.

Thanks for checking in.

Picking up the Pieces.

Words are still hard to come by. I have done a lot of thinking over the last few days, and when it comes down to it, it is guilt that always proceeds. It is an extremely hard thing to cope with. I can't be logical about what happened, because there is no logical reason as to why this didn't happen for us. 2 healthy embryos were put into me. Now they aren't there.

I know this wasn't a 100% chance. I knew there was that 50% half that we could fall on that would crush me, and it did. Nothing makes it much better. I am still trying to live with somewhat a sense of normalcy, but it will be a hard road. Thanks for all the kind words and thoughts. We have gotten so many wonderful call and messages of true concern and love. We truly do have a wonderful support system. Love to you all.

Heartbroken

Today has been the hardest day of my life. I have been through a lot in my 26 years, but really nothing touches this. I feel such loss. I feel like I didn't do enough to protect my little ones. My heart is in a million pieces and I don't know how to get away from that feeling.

The morning started out good enough. I woke up at 6, nice and early. I was bound and determined to have a fairy tale discovery, me coming out of the bathroom with a huge grin on my face with lots of happy tears and plans for the future.

Well I went in and did the test and then came back out to wait the 3-4 minutes with Ty. After the time was up, I hesitantly went back in and saw NOT PREGNANT on the screen. I turned around and Ty was right there with the hopeful look on his face and I melted into him, unable to say the words. He knew as soon as he saw me. He pulled me back to bed and held me as I broke, crying until it hurt.

After a couple of hours, Ty had to get to work for a conference call and I fell back to sleep. I woke up to a check in from my hubby, making sure I was ok. He was really worried about leaving me, but I knew he would check in as much as possible. He encouraged me head to the lab for my Beta, so I rolled out of bed, threw on clothes and went in to the lab. I was in a daze. The girl checking me in said something about this being a great thing.... the girl taking my blood was in training and trying to be all happy. I didn't want to smile. I always put on a happy face for people, and I did not today. I knew the results before they did. I don't care if I came across as being rude, and normally this is not me.

I drove back home, not remembering the drive at all, which is kind of scary. I went to the couch and sat with my Mac and messaged back and forth with Ty all morning. He was keeping me going, and I think he was relieved that I was at least responsive. I broke down all morning. I saw the picture of our embies on the fridge and mourned them. I was a sad sight.

My mom called around 1 to check in. I had told her not to call, but I think she knew when I didn't call all happy in the morning. I told her that the hpt was negative and that I hadn't gotten the call from the lab, but I knew. We cried and she wished she were here. So did I.

I got off the phone with her and then got the call from the lab. Negatory.

I just don't understand why. It is hard enough dealing with not conceiving naturally, but to then fail again after spending so much time and money on this cycle. I was a human pin cushion. Over 40 shots, hundreds of pills, surgery and procedures, I am back to square one.

I am raw inside, but coping. I just keep wishing for what I can't have. I want my embies back.

There are no words...

There are no words to describe the pain I feel right now. Needless to say, I am not pregnant. I have no other words....