Broken.

That might be the best way to describe myself lately. I have been keeping to myself, fighting this nagging feeling of slipping into a deep, cold depression. You would think that after almost 2 years, things would be better for us, and they were.... until December. 

On November 19th, I turned 30, in the midst of a surprise birthday party thrown by my husband. The following weekend, I "ran" my first 5k. I had been on some major meds to deal with a back injury from breaking up a fight at school, so my 5k was really a slow jog and even slower walk with my brother going along for the ride. I just didn't feel right. It was Thanksgiving weekend and I was tired and just worn out...more than usual. 

The Monday after Turkey Day, I realized that I was more than a week late. With my surprise birthday party and Thanksgiving all happening, I just didn't really think about it until we got home. So Monday after work, I made an idiot out of myself and bought a few hpts... except I wasn't an idiot. I was pregnant. Naturally. As in this will never happen by itself naturally. 

And in one second, we were acting like happily expecting parents... again. The next day, I had my blood drawn and the beta came back in the 170s. It was an ok number, but I felt like it should be higher, thinking I was more than 5 weeks at that point. My second beta rose, but not enough. And then it rose again and again, but never doubling. I was having an ectopic pregnancy. Our Christmas Party was the day we found out that the pregnancy was not viable. I had to put on my happy face and act like everything was fantastic, hosting 30 of our coworkers and friends, all the while dying inside. 

We have been told that the chances that this happened are something like less than 5%. The likelihood of it happening again is even less. The people that know were encouraged that it happened on its own and could again, but we know it most likely never will. At first, I wanted to get right back to the RE and do another IVF, but now I just don't know. That damn dangling carrot killed us. 

I don't understand why I would get pregnant naturally, after everything we have been through, only to have to go through a miscarriage. We were so incredibly happy in the few days where we thought everything was ok. We allowed ourselves to be happy and excited and then life happened.

We didn't tell many, knowing that Christmas was right around the corner and not wanting to bring others down. 

Today, I am struggling. Struggling at making a decision to try again. If I am being honest, I don't know how much more I can lose. I am so incredibly taken care of in so many other aspects of life, but this just leaves a hole in my heart like no other. 

If I didn't tell you, it was because I didn't want you to hurt for us more than you have already. Honestly, this hurt, but nothing can compare to losing Sophia. I guess I just felt like I needed to write this out. Not for comments or sympathy. Just for me.