Time keeps ticking by...

It has been a long while since I have posted last and to be honest, not too much has taken place. I went back to my OB. Blood pressure was still elevated but in a much better place. We are hoping to see another improvement on June 1st. 9 vials of blood were sucked from me, and I will get those results on June 1st as well. Work is going well for the most part. I am easily tired and don't have much to give, but I am getting through the days and doing ok with that. Flowers were planted and the patio and back of the house was power-washed. Sunburn resulted.....even with suntan lotion! The Fam is coming into town this weekend, which will be nice. So yah.... not too much going down. Thanks for checking in!

The Shower

This weekend was to have been my first Baby Shower. I was all prepared. I had the registries ready. I had my dress picked out and I was so excited. Tyler and I honestly had a wonderful time picking out all the special things we would need for Sophia. Little did we know....

I feel like I have forgotten what it was like to be pregnant. I am so different now. My body and my mind. Trust does not come easy. Belief is even harder to come by. So many plans for the future that is now so unsure.  Tonight I am so sad. Sad for Tyler. Sad for myself, but most of all sad for my little girl. I am so sorry I only knew you for such a short time. I can't even begin to explain how much you are loved.

First days back to work

Yesterday was my first day back at work. The kids were very excited to see me, as were my coworkers. It was nice to feel welcomed and loved. My coworkers did a fantastic job grading and get my grades in so I wouldn't have anything to come back to. It was so nice to walk into that. Thank you! 

We had an emergency drill yesterday that threw me right back into the thick of things, and it really put me in my place.  I felt like my old self, for just small moments, and it was nice.

Today had breaking up a fight and working on databases to keep me busy. I am back. I am not the same, but I am back and it's good. Now to get through the next 4 weeks and have a long Summer break.

What am I?

This is something I have really been struggling with the last 5 weeks. What am I? More to the point...Am I a Mother? This weekend brings many feelings to the forefront. I have been pregnant with my daughter. I delivered my daughter. I held my daughter. I put my daughter to rest. Yet, I still have people tell me that I will be a Mom someday. But aren't I already? Am I being naive to even think about considering myself a mother?

Mother's Day to me, hurts more than most days ever will. And the hurt starts weeks before the actual day because of all the commercial build-up. It simply reminds me that my daughter is not here and I won't be celebrated because of it. Yes, I have a wonderful Mother and I love her to death, but my hurt is too much right now for that to override my feelings. I am very ready for tomorrow to be over and done with so that I can move away from it and not be reminded every commercial or online ad that my daughter is not here. It's not something to be sorry about. It is just the way things are. I face it, deal with it and try to move on.

Finding some hint of "normalcy"

The last two days, I have been hit with a sense of normalcy that has done my mind good. Wednesday, I decided that it was time to find some new clothes. None of my other clothes really fit anymore. In fact, when my sisters and Mom were up for the weekend, they told me I had to put away the pants I had on and not get them out again. They were hanging off of me. I have lost a good 25-30 lbs and between 2-3 sizes. For a girl with a plethora of clothing suited for stimming and the bloat that comes with that, this is a problem. So back to it, Wednesday was a shopping day. I started out getting my hair cut and then hit Kohls, JC Penney, and Ann Taylor Loft. I found a cute sundress at Kohls. I found a couple pairs of capris and a top at JC Penney and I found the motherload at the Loft. I think I left with about 6 tops and a pair of pants. Not a bad experience. I felt good about how it all looked and it was nice to feel decent. 

Wednesday night, I started to feel guilty for having a nice day. I cried and worried that I was doing something wrong, but honestly, I needed that good day. I needed it so badly. That night I decided to do something useful. So Thursday, I went out to the hardware stores and found new door knobs for all 10 interior doors. I then got home and installed all 10. It felt wonderful to be useful. Tyler came home to all new handles and he was so happy to not see brass. (Our house has been getting de-brassified for
over 3 years now) 

The combination of the last 2 days has given me some energy back. It was 5 weeks ago that we lost our little girl. I have been a hermit for most of those weeks, but this week I stepped out and did ok. I still hurt. I still cry. I still fall into a puddle when something triggers me, but I am breathing and I am kicking. I have changed so very much, but I am me.

One Percent

It is a horrible statistic. Only 1% result in... blah blah blah. I have been on the wrong side of 1% too many times. It has really been eating at me. I mean who does that?! In the Fall of 08, we had 4 embryos that we froze after our IVF in July. We decided to try transferring 2 of those embryos. The day the Lab thawed the embryos, all 4 were lost. They didn't survive the thaw. It was less than a 1% chance of happening. Our world completely flipped upside down. 

And then last night, I read that only 1% of pregnancies end in stillbirth. As we all know, this has completely shattered me. It is impossible to understand how this happens not once, but twice to someone who only wants what apparently any 14 yr old in the area can have, a healthy baby to bring home. 1% sucks. It truly should not even be told to someone. Tyler and I have decided that we never want to hear statistics again. I don't want to know how little the chance is, because I find myself on the wrong side way too many times to have any comfort from numbers. So for now, 1% is an awful stat and I am pretty sure I don't want to see when it could be a good thing. 

1 month

Today marks 1 month since I delivered our little girl. Most nights I relive the experience over and over in my head before I can get any sleep. I feel the pain before the epidural and I see the pain in each of our parent's eyes. I see Tyler holding our baby girl and in one moment, it makes me want to break into a million pieces because of the extreme agony felt. Seeing our daughter in his arms was the single most wonderful and single most gut-wrenching moment of my life. That is what keeps me up at night. That is what makes me cry myself to sleep. To see our whole life in his arms and never know if it will happen for us again.