IVF #1 ... Woa Nelly!

WoooHooo!!! Is all I can say about our RE appointment. Dr J is fabulous. He got right to the point and let us know that he knows with my job as a teacher, a summer IVF would be most beneficial, and here we are. I will start BCP June 11 and take 21 days worth. We will start Lupron around June 30th, FSH around July 11 and looking at a July 21st ER!

I can't believe this is happening! It has been hard waiting to find out what is going on, but we are here. Dr J seems upbeat about our chances and we are looking forward to working with him. He let us know that my PCOS shouldn't even be a minute issue, which is a relief. Now we just need to get preggo :)

*Sigh* AI Spoiler

Some things are right in the world. David Cook has won American Idol! I can now have a sigh of relief and get back to being anxious over tomorrow's appointment. Update tomorrow!

RE on Thursday

We have our first appointment with the RE on Thursday. I am feeling anxious over this appointment, but hopeful that we will have a plan soon in place. Still not sure what to feel about IVF. I know this is what we need to do, but my goodness. I am just thankful that we have such good insurance coverage. That is our saving grace. For now I am just trying to relax. I have been reading up on the procedures. Right now I am reading the Couple's Guide to IVF. It is a pretty good read. Lots of good information. Bye for now...

Numb.

Today I feel numb. I was the dumb one, 14dpo to test this morning and get a BFN. What did I expect? Just because it was Mother's Day I would magically become a Mother? Yah, right. No go here, even though I don't have any signs of AF right now, and normally I would have this point.

Yesterday was spent crying off and on, mourning Mother's Day in general. I just hit a low. I was supposed to be a Mother by now. In my perfect world. Don't we know how that goes? So I am a little bitter today, a little numb. Trying not to cry.

Hubby has been a rock. He went with me to look at the test result. He held me as I fought back tears. He teared up himself. There is nothing more supportive than knowing he is right here with me, in feelings and hope and pain.

Even though this tends to be an anti-Mother's Day post, I hope that all the Mother's out there know how special they are and how special they have it. You have been blessed. Please never take that for granted.

A Good Break

Yesterday Hubby and I took a day for ourselves. We went to the Cards/Cubs series over the weekend, got back late Sunday and made Monday our own. It was so nice. We both took personal days and just enjoyed the day. It was in the mid 70s. Hubby mowed and installed his new, beloved garage lights. I went on a shopping bonanza at the local nurseries and planted my lil heart out. I ended up filling over a dozen pots with flowers of all kinds. They make me so happy :)

So we made the day our own. It was so nice not to have to go to a Dr appointment on an off day like we have since January. It was nice to just be us for once in this long journey. Now we are looking at May 22nd with eager eyes when we meet our RE for the first time. IVF here we come!

Breakdown

So last night I lost it. We found out the results from Dh's second SA and they were the same. 1.4 mil count, but good quality. I have PCOS. Not a good combo. I made the first appointment with an RE ( we were with a reproductive med Dr before) and we are heading straight for IVF.

I am scared out of my mind. It seems like this is such a final chapter. I never thought we would end up doing IVF. I even considered stopping trying if we got to IVF. This isn't an option anymore. Our only shot is IVF.

I know it's a major pity party, but I am definitely playing the why me? card. I almost feel like I am mourning my fertility. We are such a strong couple and I know we will make it through this. And even though I have been preparing for this for several weeks, it has hit me like a ton of bricks.

What do I do? How do I cope with this?

Dealing with the Feelings

I never imagined we would be in this spot. I thought it would come easy and I would be about 8 or 9 months pregnant now. We thought we would just practice some over the summer and get to it early fall to have a summer baby and lots of mommy time before I had to go back to work in August. Boy, were we wrong. It is hard thinking about that. What should have been. But should it have been? Should people think it is that easy to get preggo?

After reading Cindy's book, I came to realize that I shouldn't be ashamed of this IF. You tend to say it lightly and discreetly, not only because it is personal, but it has this stigma to it. The topic no one quite understands, unless they have been through it. And then you get the ones who go through more intense treatments and understand that much more. It is hard to balance your feelings towards those who are on the same page as you and those who went through less and maybe don't say the right things. I am trying to take the support I get and not analyze it or be bitter towards remarks that might not be the most sensitive. I am trying and that is all you can do.

I am a science teacher, so being able to see my insides like I have has been exhilarating. How many people have had their fallopian tubes called beautiful?! :) And then they get to see them onscreen. So I have had some side perks. We are getting more comfortable with our situation. We tread lightly around each other, but had a heart-to-heart last night and I realized just how lucky I am.

I want a baby so badly, but I am already so incredibly lucky to have a man like I do right now. I will continue to be lucky as long as he is by my side, whether we grow a family or not.