Tried again...failed again.

On the 3rd, we did FET #3. Out of five embryos frozen, only two made the thaw. Bad thaw results again. With much heaviness on our hearts, we transferred the two and we waited. I was queasy some so that made me feel good. Then on the 11th, I tested and it was negative..along with two more negatives the next two days and a neg blood test just to seal the deal. Now we are in Florida to spread our daughter's ashes. I honestly don't know if there is a better place for me than on the beach right now. So here we are again....6 transfers and only grief to show. Thank you for all of the support. I don't know where this leaves us but I know we will be breaking for a good while. Love to you all.

-lindsay

Asking for your help

I teach Junior High Earth Science and I am trying to get a Library for my classroom funded through DonorsChoose.org. There is a movie coming out called "Waiting for Superman" and if you pledge to see this movie, they will send you a $5.00 code that you can then apply to my project on DonorsChoose.org.

I know I have many readers out there in the shadows :) I am asking for just a bit of your time to try and make this happen. It was my first big thing I hopped into after losing Sophia and I hold this special to my heart.

Here is the link for the movie: http://www.waitingforsuperman.com/


and here is the link for my project on DonorsChoose:
http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=396526&verify=1899512913

Any bit would help and I appreciate it greatly! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

-Lindsay

It's the Little Things

When you deal with Infertility, there is so much bad that can happen almost daily, that you really take and cherish the little things in life, when you can. Yesterday I had one of those moments, in the middle of a very big moment. My little thing was Tyler holding my hand and stroking my hair as two of our embryos were transferred back into me. Yes, you read that right, we are trying again. 

It has been an emotional roller coaster of gargantuan proportions, but we made it through and I am now on bedrest. I don't know what the coming weeks will bring, but I have hope for this cycle. I have to have hope. I have to do something to getting back to being happy and this is my way. I can't describe the amount of love I felt for my husband in the moments of our transfer. It is such a cognisant moment. When you are fertile, you don't really know if anything is happening... if the sperm is meeting the egg. With a transfer, you actually watch the embryo being put into place. It is such an overpowering sight.

It was very emotional. Dr. J knew the emotions were very raw for us. I was glad to be back home by lunchtime and have been in bed ever since. Bed got to me a bit, so I am now on couch duty for the rest of the week, hoping good things are happening. I have been very quiet about all of this and truly contemplated never speaking a word of it until/or if I started to show. Yah...I can't keep very quiet. So if you have any spare well wishes, I could really use the cheerleading.

And speaking of Cheerleaders, I have a huge one out in the Bronx. My dear friend sent a lovely care package before my procedure on Tuesday with lucky socks (they were even polka dots!) and some sticky dust as well. Love this girl so much. :)

Love to you all.

The struggle - beware of strong language.

I have been thinking quite a bit lately and this struck me. Growing up, I never imagined any troubles getting pregnant. I am the oldest of 5 from someone who is the 3rd youngest of 11.....it's in my genes, right? Yah not so much. So the struggle started. The struggle to GET pregnant. Basically this took all of the joy out of trying to start a family. I never knew what the next home test would bring. We never got a positive except for the last time. After 30 months of negatives, hundreds of shots, thousands of pills, surgery, and 5 IVFs.... it finally happened. I got pregnant.

Then we were joyous about being pregnant. I puked every day. No biggie. Puke and go on...I hadn't been, we hadn't been that happy in more than 2 years. We were finally going to be parents. I felt good. I looked good. I was good. And then 24 weeks hit. My anxiety had started to rise leading up to this point, knowing that 24 meant viability... she would have a shot at survival if she came early. I knew pre-eclampsia was a definite possibility, even though my OB didn't seem too concerned. One morning I just felt off. It was 24w3days. My bp was through the roof compared to its normal numbers. Went to the OB that day, took the next day off, and I rested then taking bp meds to lower my numbers. I was swelled up a bit but the tests came back as nothing about the normal range. Phew!

Phew my ass. Seriously? I had developed pre-eclampsia. The single most thing I was terrified of. It almost killed my Mom and my sister...multiple times. My Docs missed it. I should have known. Damnit, I should have known. 4 weeks later it was over. She had stopped growing during that first episode and things went downhill from there. Viability is a bunch of BS. It doesn't really matter if they never have a shot at the outside world. 

Today I am just so pissed off at the whole thing. I don't deserve this and Tyler surely doesn't. I was so god damn happy being pregnant. I didn't complain. I took everything in stride. And now that joy is gone. I will never be the happy pregnant woman again. I will be a neurotic mess. Constant anxiety and fear. One more thing that is normal for billions but never for me. 

Never take what you have for granted. Those "annoying" kids you have are true miracles. Those children "you just want to trade in" are what other people are crushed over losing. I am so sick of losing the joy in my life, and while each day I try to make it a good day, the fact still remains. 

And some will say that I need to see a counselor. I have. It helps for the hour I am there until I realize that she doesn't really know what to say. She has never lost a child. So many who tell me what I should do have never lost a child. You can't describe what you go through, you just have to know. And while I appreciate the words of the counselor, I just need to work through it as things come. 

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Some happy words would be nice. No sorries please. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I am just in pain. I don't want to be pitied, too.

FB Status Today

She would have been a month old today. Feeling the need to talk about her. Realizing that I am stronger than I think and losing Sophia does not have to define who I am. I will never stop missing her, but I can live better for her.

To keep me busy...

I have been posting over on my original blog about our Summer meals and my quest for home greatness. Pop on over if you like!

Remnants of Me

Had nuclear meltdown last night

Tyler had some business up in Chicago yesterday, so I drove separate and went shopping for the day. My allergies were really bad and I was too stubborn to stop and pick up some Claritin, so it put me in a foul mood. ... not to mention bad drivers all around. 

On our way back, Tyler was with me and wanted to take 355, which is a toll road. I had not planned on going through tolls, so I didn't have any true money in the car. Needless to say, I now owe Chicago some money. After I had to tell the toll man I was 50cents short, I started to just sob while driving. I pulled off at the next ramp to get gas and let Tyler take over the reigns. 

I cried all 2.5 hours home. He didn't know what to do. When it comes down to it, I feel like I am a failure. I failed hardcore at motherhood.  I think it just hit so hard how absolutely pathetic our situation is. Who loses a child in the 28th week? Who lets that happen? Me. I am that one and it kills me to know that my body was the reason. I usually don't let these thoughts in but they dug in deep last night. I feel so much guilt. So much failure. After failed IVFs, I never thought I could get lower.... man was I wrong. 

I know I am healing, but some days are just way worse than others. After a good day of shopping, ok, mostly browsing, I was just so weak and vulnerable. I hate that I break down like that, but to be honest, it is only one of very little that I have let happen. I feel like that is one thing I can control, when so much else has been out of control. I am feeling better this morning, but I just wish I had my baby girl sleeping next to me.