It Just Takes One

Never have words been so true...

2012-02-07T06:31:00.003-06:00

Taken from Small Bird Studios

When You Lose a Baby

February 5, 2012 By Franchesca

You don’t know what to expect.
People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.
You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.

You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.
And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.

You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.

It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.

You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.
You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.
The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.

Forever.

You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.
You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.

You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.

You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.

You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.

Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.

You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.

You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.

You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.

Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.

People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.

You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.

There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.

You lose friends. You find new ones.

You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.

You would do anything for another minute with your child.

You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.

You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.
You want to know what went wrong, and why…

You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.

You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.

You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.

You learn to live with the pain.

You are better for having known them at all.

November Ballot

2011-11-06T20:37:00.000-06:00

There is a bill in MS that is threatening the fidelity of IVF and other ART Treatments. Please read up and empower yourselves on the legislation that is coming into different states around us.

http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/mississippi-initiative-26.html

30

2011-11-05T20:24:00.000-05:00

In two weeks I turn the big 3-0. I always thought I would have a child or two by now. We would be a cute little family doing all kinds of crazy things. But we know the truth... we have a daughter who is no longer with us and we are no closer to having a family of our own.

I think if going through this has taught me anything, it is to take everything else with a grain of salt. You know some say to not let something like a tragedy define you, but it is hard for a loss of this magnitude not to.

And it doesn't even mean that I am defining myself, but so many others are. We are figuring out who truly has our best interests at heart and who is uncomfortable with what we have gone through and can't stand to be bothered by it or us. That can hurt, but I have to take it for face value.

Any more, as things happen, I think to myself "if I am making it through being without Sophie, I can make it through this". Let's be honest. Most things in life are small peanuts. I think it just takes a certain kind of event in your life for you to truly see what the size of those peanuts are.

There are days when 30 is staring me in the face and smacks me a few times, but for the most part, it is just a number and I think I look pretty good for 30. I am proud of where I am today. I didn't give in to depression. I didn't completely crumble and blame anything and everything on what we went through. I have worked incessantly on keeping weight off and I am doing it. These are the things that I can control right now and I need to be able to do that. If this is what I have, then this is what I have and I learning day by day that that is ok.

6 months more...

2011-10-14T13:13:00.001-05:00

More than 6 months have gone by and I have stayed quiet. Quiet with my blog. Quiet with my family. Quiet with my friends. I am still hurting. I hurt everyday knowing what I am missing and I don't know if that will ever stop.

Tomorrow marks the Baby Loss - Infant Loss Remembrance Day. October is a hard month. It marks a half year since losing Sophia and it also marks when we found out we were pregnant. I try not to harp on those days, but they are there.

But today, I would like to remember my little girl. She gave me the greatest joy I have experienced and is a daily reminder of Tyler and my love for each other. Without her, I would never know just how strong I can be or what I can handle. After losing Sophia, everything else just seems like peanuts. Life goes on and I am trying to embrace that. Some days are much easier than others, but when isn't that true?

If there is anyone still out there reading this after my huge lapses in posts, thank you. It helps knowing someone is there to listen. (hugs)

Our Weeping Redbud

2011-04-03T20:58:00.000-05:00

Appropriately named Heart breaker, this weeping redbud now graces our front yard in memory of our sweet baby girl. We picked it out last weekend and planted it yesterday. Redbuds are one of the earliest to bloom and I know that I need to see some goodness as soon as I can get it come Springtime. Missing her....but remembering her more than anything. Holding her close in my heart.

Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.

2011-04-03T18:28:00.000-05:00

Today marks one year since our little girl passed away. I honestly have gotten through it ok, but not without some Zoloft, tons of support from family and friends and unending love from my husband. It is easy to sit here and think of everything that should be, but that doesn't change anything. Instead of giving in to our grief, we honored our daughter by planting a tree in her memory. It truly is beautiful. Strong, Straight. Small. Planted with love.

So today I say happy birthday, Sophie. You are loved more and more each day by so many people and you share your birthday with your Daddy, who is one of the strongest people on this Earth. We love you so much and think about you. every. single. day. Miss you and love you.

A year is almost gone.

2011-03-31T19:25:00.001-05:00

Today is so incredibly hard to pay attention. I am thinking of Sophia, reliving those last few days where I still thought our dream was coming true. Today I question exactly what I was feeling and what I wasn't. For a long time after delivering, my body would trick me into thinking I was feeling her, even after she was gone. So now, I question, but not too much. There are some questions I do not want the answers to. It would be too much.

Some days, it is all too much, but most days I seem to be in a fog of sorts. Not really all the way present or gone, just there. When I think back to all that we have been through, it truly is amazing that we are still going. No one should ever have to decide how to handle their child's remains. We did this with heavy hearts, but in a way that was best for us, not worrying about what others thought. For us, we knew we had to be private, if only for self-preservation. There was no way either of us could handle going through a public visitation. We thought hard and not having strong roots to the area, we decided that if we were to cremate Sophia's remains, we could keep a part of her with us wherever we ended up.

Our funeral home director took care of all of the details. This was at no cost to us. We found that many places actually waive costs when dealing with infant death. He walked us through the process and our choices and gave us a catalog to choose her urn from. We knew the ashes would be a small amount and that helped lead us to a tiny urn. The urn we were drawn to was made of blown glass and styled in the colors of the four different seasons. This in itself drew out discussion. Sophia was due in the Summer, but came in the Spring. Which one would work better? Which did we like better?

In the end, we both chose a beautiful green and yellow colored urn that was a gorgeous representation of Spring. We also chose to keep some of her ashes separate, to be scattered later.

The location of our scatter site came from Tyler. The morning after we met with the funeral director, he mentioned wanting to go to the Ocean. There is a place in Florida that we visit almost yearly on the coast. We had gone on a yacht sail the last time we were there, the year before, and knew the Captain had spread ashes before, and that is how we decided.

So no visitation. No burial. No public mourning. Just something both quiet and private that allowed the two of us to keep it together. We brought home our daughter's beautiful urn and made the plans for going to Florida to place her ashes in the Ocean.

This happened in August of last year. We booked our condo for a week and headed down the 17 hours. I was a bit nutty about keeping Sophia's box safe. When we stopped for the night, I took her box into the hotel room with us. I know...even though she is gone, I still felt like I had to protect her.

The Tuesday of our trip, August 17, we took the sailboat out on the Atlantic Ocean and with her ashes tied to a bouquet of flowers, we held hands and released our Sophia Marie to the Sea. The moment was both beautiful and heart-wrenching at the same time. Tyler had our GPS and was able to capture the exact coordinates for the release. We cried. We hugged. We mourned, but our beautiful little girl was in a good place. A place we can visit again.

Today that brings me peace. I know that Sophia is all throughout the Ocean, a place her father and I adore. Now anytime I go to the Sea, I feel her presence, and that is what I need. We both do.

Many days, it does not feel like a year has passed. Many days, it does not feel like I was ever even pregnant. I am so different today that who I was a year ago. I look different, feel different, act different. My feelings are more muted. I am much more guarded as a person. I am quieter and less outgoing. I am much smaller than I was and I struggle to keep a good body image and healthy view of myself. I have changed. I will never be the same person that I was a year ago.

My daughter and her short life changed me forever. She made me a mother and I am forever grateful and thankful for that. Sophia Marie, Mommy loves you so very much. You are always on my mind and in my heart.

Still breathing....

2011-03-30T19:24:00.000-05:00

That is all. <3

What have you done?

2011-03-27T19:59:00.000-05:00

Everything I have done is bolded :) What have you done? Some are more bittersweet than others, but it was fun thinking of everything and remembering.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (Disney World) Both!
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Signs

2011-03-26T16:44:00.000-05:00

Last year after everything had calmed a bit, my brother and sister in-law brought us a beautiful card and in it was a gift certificate to the local Nursery. We had talked about planting a tree in Sophia's memory and they wanted to help us do that. Tyler and I have gone back and forth with what kind of tree to get. We finally came to the decision that a Redbud would be best. It blooms early and has beautiful pink flowers. It really is a gorgeous tree.

Over the last year, we have struggled to agree on where we should plant the tree when we get it. Today, we went to the Nursery and picked out our tree. We went in thinking we would get a traditional redbud. When we were pointed in the direction, we saw that not only did they have many options, they had weeping redbuds.... how appropriate is that? So we went back and forth looking at all of them and then I read the tag to the weeping ones. They are called the Heartbreaker. Ummm yah..... that would be it. So in the end, we chose a perfectly shaped heartbreaker to hopefully plant next weekend. It really is gorgeous and I don't know if it could have a more appropriate name.

Closer

2011-03-24T16:42:00.000-05:00

As we get closer to the one year mark, I have found that I have absolutely no idea how to handle the day. It is my husband's birthday and the day our little girl was born still. How do I wrap my head around that? I don't know what to do. Do I wake up and act like everything is normal? Do I try to have some kind of tradition? I just can't even process it and I know Tyler doesn't know how to handle it either. Man, this sucks...

Is this thing still on?

2011-02-28T16:46:00.000-06:00

I have been MIA for quite awhile. Having mostly good days, but it will be 1 yr in just over a month since my sweet little girl left us. Not sure how I can even begin to handle what this next month will bring. Trying to keep myself beyond busy as we get closer to the date. Flying out to NYC to meet up with some fabulous ladies and just trying to be strong.

In a way, I feel like if I make it through a year, I will really be ok. The other part of me is scared that if I continue to struggle, people will see the worst of me, thinking I should move on. Not sure what will be the case, but I know that I owe it to DH to give it my best. He deserves the best.

The trick is to keep breathing.

2011-01-13T19:52:00.000-06:00

It's not easy. It takes thought, but with time, it happens a bit more naturally. Today I feel like I have turned a corner from the Holidays. Those were some of my darkest times, only worsened by the incessant cheer that surrounded me. Today I woke up and it was just better. I felt some peace and love and it was nice. I am not sure what changed, but I welcomed it. As always, it is day to day, but I just have to remember to keep breathing.

Guilt.

2010-12-30T20:14:00.000-06:00

I am not in bed bawling my eyes out as this year ends, and maybe I should be. I am really struggling with not feeling guilty over being somewhat functional right now. In a year that started out as the best of my life, it has ended as the worst, but yet, I am still breathing, trying to live life so my DH can heal, too. I know that if I were to give in to everything that is weighing on my tired shoulders, I would gain 50 pounds and never get out of bed again.

As I spend time with my niece, who is the exact age as Sophia should be, I wonder how I can even manage to get up each day. When I look at my daughter's urn, I see everything that should be happening, but get hit with what is actually going on. My memories of having a bump are failing. Instead, I am having major back problems made by stress and grief. And in spite of it all, I am still going. Am I cold? Am I unfeeling? No, I don't think so. I am just a woman who's grief is making her feel like an empty vessel. I feel my dreams of being a Mommy to a live child are slipping through my fingers and I am not quite sure how to process that. *sigh*

CarlyMarie: How you can help ease the pain for a friend or lov...

2010-12-22T08:41:00.000-06:00

CarlyMarie: How you can help ease the pain for a friend or lov...: "In the last week I have received numerous emails from people wanting to know how they can help to ease the pain their friends are suffering..."

My place...

2010-11-27T22:47:00.000-06:00

After looking over my blog, I realized that people probably think I need to be institutionalized. And while they might be right, most of the time I am doing alright. I find myself turning to my blog when the moments are so low that I don't want to bring anyone else in my direct path down with me. I am ok. I am breathing. I am living.... maybe not always alive, but living. Yes, the Holidays have been even harder than I imagined they would ever be, but I cannot describe with words how very special my family and especially my husband have been to me during all of this. Without him, I would not have reason to pick up the pieces every day. Just checking in....

How to celebrate...

2010-11-14T15:55:00.000-06:00

Today, I found myself not wanting to celebrate the Holidays at all. The sadness seems to be seeping in more lately and I find myself having a hard time keeping it together more and more. I had this cute little onesie I got from the Baby Gap last year that had a cute little tee-pee and Indian on it and I keep thinking about how cute Sophia would be in it. I see my niece and her parents doing all of these "first" things together and just die inside. Ornaments are a killer. I have a pregnant ornament in the ornament box that I know will just shatter my heart when I get it out.

The Holidays suck. Last year I was just beginning to show at Christmas time and everyone was so happy. I'm not happy now. I am a shell of myself. I don't even know what myself is anymore. Hard doesn't cut it. Can I just hide for the next 2 months?

Apologies

2010-11-11T17:48:00.000-06:00

I finally got a hold of the appropriate authorities dealing with the Dinner and things have hopefully been resolved. I explained to them that they couldn't do anymore than apologize, but they HAD to make it to where this would never happen again, to me or anyone else. I believe I got my point across and I know that all parties involved felt like asshats about it. And they should have. They had the information there and chose not to cross check lists and double check into it. And yes, these were people that would not be affected by HIPA.

So one problem down, always another to go. Similac seems to think that I am a most valued customer and has put me into their "Gold Moms" program with tons of mailings.... yay fun. I am starting to think that the mailbox may be my worst enemy yet.

Someone is going to get an ear full....

2010-10-30T16:27:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, my Husband and I got an invitation in the mail inviting us to a Dinner for Labor and Delivery Patients to share our experiences with the other attendees. I made a joke that we could talk about the our experience of finding out I had pre-eclampsia too late or when we went to check in that I had to explain why I was there to the Front Desk and a number of other things. Ultimately, I ignored the invitation, thinking it was a mistake, and shook it off after some tears. Friday night at Dinner, Tyler let me know that there was a phone message on our answering machine reminding us of the Dinner and hey, we could even bring our new baby with us!

Holy Shit. Did they really just call us to invite our dead daughter to a dinner with an entire room of new parents? I mean I guess I could bring her urn to the Dinner with us, but I am thinking that might be awkward. Tyler did try to call and get us off the list, but no one answered... So this week, I am calling the CEO of the Hospital and getting this all squared away. No one should have to be harrassed by the Hospital that our Daughter was delivered still in. She was dealt with by them, and yet they made this HUGE mistake. The letter was innocent enough, but to call us, and tell us we could bring our child with us...... yah. Not too good.

Not quite sure how I am still able to get through a day with such inconsideration in my life. Seriously, people need to get a clue.

Thank you

2010-10-20T21:55:00.000-05:00

I got on here knowing that I needed to write, but before I let everything bottled up out, I wanted to say thank you. Over the past couple of years, I have met some beautiful people going through IF and they have been so supportive. Your support is unending and I love you for that.

Also, thank you to all of those that read and give me the time of day. Just letting me know that you are out there can change a very rough patch into something much less painful. I appreciate everything you give me and for that, I am very lucky.

Remembering

2010-10-15T23:16:00.003-05:00

It's in the Eyes

2010-10-12T20:29:00.000-05:00

It has been quite hard lately, trying to be a "happy" person. My eyes tell the truth that my face won't though. I have sad eyes. Eyes of someone who feels incomplete and lost. Eyes of an old soul. Sad eyes.

Someone had mentioned it to me before, but I didn't really think too much of it until I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My god.. who is this person? What have I become? I see it in my husband. The other day I was thinking about how cute he was when he would rub my belly and look so proud, and now he doesn't look at me like that. I miss those rubs so much. I miss seeing the pride in his eyes when he looked at me and thought of our little family.

Now he looks at me with deep love, but the happiness is hidden down deep. He shares the pain and it shows in his eyes. To those who don't know, I don't think it would be noticable, but to those that do....what a difference... just how one day changes everything.

But, we are making it. We are trying to live in a way that could make us happy and does in brief moments. We are mad about each other. Head over heels even and that is nice. It will be 15 years of being together next month, and for right now, that is enough for me.

6 months ago, and it still feels like it all happened yesterday

2010-10-03T17:21:00.000-05:00

Today marks 6 months. 6 months of being a different person. 6 months of being held up by family and friends. 6 months of feeling empty.

As soon as I delivered Sophia, I felt empty. It was a huge shock to my body realizing how much she had filled me, both my belly and my soul. When she left me, I was left with a huge hole to fill. For 6 months, I have tried to fill the hole and it isn't happening. Some days, I feel more full than others. Every day is hard, just some are harder than others. Yesterday was a very hard one.

I have been thinking about this so much lately. I think about my loss, our loss, every day, at least dozen or more times and the emptiness is almost too much to bare. And then I think, a man who loses his wife is a widower. A woman who loses her husband is a widow. A child who loses their parents is an orphan. I am a mother who lost her daughter, but what am I? There is so much shame behind losing a child. No one wants to speak of it and rarely acknowledges the shear loss of it all.

This past week, I submitted my story to a site dedicated to Mothers and Fathers of babies taken away all too soon. The site is Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. Put together by a group of women, they focus on making sure no one feels alone after going through such a tragedy. I felt is was important to share my story and show that I am not ashamed of what happened to me. If my story can help someone else who is in my shoes, then I am glad to have shared it.

Here is my story: I am the face of Stillbirth

Seriously, just put me down now. NOW

2010-09-28T19:28:00.000-05:00

I will admit it, I am at a low. Never an all-time low, we all know what that was, but a soggy low that is harder than hard to crawl out of. I am angry, bitter, and so incredibly heart-broken. We are coming up on 6 months and I don't even know how to even begin handling that. The Nursery is still in tact. I still go in there when I am upset and sob into the never-used carpet. I am a fucking mess.

Please don't tell me that I need to go talk to someone. Unless that person has lost a baby that they tried for 2.5 years through IVF, only to lose at 29 weeks.... that person can't truly help me. Sure they can make me talk, or encourage me to get it out, but I still go back to square 1 when the session is over. I know it helps some people, but it just isn't for me. I need time. Yes, I am STILL devastated. I will be for most of my life... that I am almost sure of.

No, I am not wanting to harm myself. No, you do not have to worry about that. I wouldn't want to put that on you. I just don't know how to get through this in one piece. I used to think that I wanted a baby, but really, I just want Sophia.

I think since starting a new school year, the stress is eating me alive. I miss my kids from last year, because they know what I have gone through and were complete angels when I came back last Spring. I miss them being there for me, like I was for them. Lord knows that is a new one.

I miss being "normal". Today someone commented on me looking good since losing weight and asked how I had lost so much. I just kind of looked at them. I am sure it didn't look like a nice look. Another co-worker said because I wasn't eating. I said, "you are right, I haven't been eating as much". Then the first someone asked why? and I just froze. I said I had had a shitty year and she kept going with the whys, and I said that my weight was a result of what happened in the Spring and she then asked, oh that still? I was pretty abrupt, just wanting it to be done.

I don't like talking about my weight loss unless I am ready to do so. I have tried to be happy about it, but it still is a direct result of death. The person then emailed me later and even though I think she was trying to apologize, she remarked that I had been snippy and went on a bit.

I don't need that. I am sorry if I came out abrupt, but you hit a very weak spot with me, and I told you as much. I even apologized if I was abrupt and wanted to leave it at that. Please just let it die. *sigh*

I guess I just need some emotional protection. Some interference. I need a filter that does the hard work for me and lets in the safe. I need to be whole again :/

Plan of Action

2010-09-24T21:00:00.000-05:00

Seeing Dr. J is always interesting. He is so laid back and good to us. He started off by wanting to throw my whole record out the window and start over. He is so disappointed things haven't worked for us. He is such a good man. The whole appointment was us going back and forth with ideas, and he truly listened to what we had to say. We have decided to look into a few things before moving forward.

1. Endometrial Biopsy the month before a Transfer. Studies have shown that by disrupting the lining, it may help with implantation. At this point, we are up for anything.

2. DH going to a Urologist to see if we can get numbers up. Even though we went straight to IVF, we want to see if there could ever be a possibility for IUI because that is covered completely.

3. Using GSN on all embryos at 8 cell. It is a new technology somewhat like PGD and will cost an extra $5,000. RE would stim me very hard to make as many embryos as possible. He already apologized for what it would be like. Yikes.

4. Gestational Carrier. Each time I do a transfer now, I am putting my life at risk because of how I developed Pre-eclampsia. I am the one that brought this up to the RE and he agreed that if we had a carrier in mind, he wanted to talk to her. I was ok with this, until I put it on the table, and now I am freaking out about never being pregnant again, even though I know it would be best.

5. Transferring to both the GC and me at the same time in hopes that something would work. He seemed intrigued by my idea and said he would think about it. I honestly think he would go with it if he could.

So there you have it. We will be working on some of these as the year goes on, but won't do another IVF until next summer. Many, many things to work out in the mean time. Not sure what to think or how to even go about it, but it's a plan.

A Blog with Substance

2010-09-20T21:44:00.000-05:00

Apparently I have struck a cord with some readers and tricked them into thinking I write about subjects with substance. Said reader then granted me a "Blog with Substance" award. To her, Rachael, I say thank you. There are some conditions that come along with the award.

1. Thank you to my Nominator: Rachael, There's No Crying in Baseball, thank you for the lovely award. I am glad I have touched you in a way that has brought this on :) You are such a sweet Gal, and I enjoy having you around :) Thank you, Sweetie!

2. Sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation & experience using 5 words:
Infertility, Comraderie, Friendship, Support and Loss

I am supposed to nominate other blogs, but I just don't have it in me today to pick out the top 10. I have a great list of lovely ladies in my blog roll that I enjoy reading about. Please visit them and join in the support.

Godmother

2010-09-19T20:08:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I was asked to be my niece's godmothers. I accepted with honor, but in the same breathe missed everything I had lost. This little girl is such a light in my life, but such a reminder of my little girl. Today was the Baptism. It was beautiful and the proud parents and grandparents were beaming. As happy as I was for all of them, my heart ached so incredibly. Tyler was definitely a pillar today as we watched my family beam. He is absolutely amazing to me. I am so so terribly lucky to have him as my husband.

This week we finally go back to the Doctor for our WTF appointment. Instead of talking about what went wrong, we are going to look into what we can do alternatively in the future. I am so not ready for our last IVF to be upon us, so we are looking at what else we can possibly do. Hopefully it goes well and we get some ideas.

Have a good week everyone. ((hugs))

Lately

2010-09-12T13:09:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been taking a long hard look at myself. I have come to the conclusion on many things.

1. I have put everything I have had into getting or being pregnant for 3 and a half years now.

2. I have an extremely strong marriage and an angel to show for it. Very bittersweet.

3. My body has changed due to being so pregnant, but I can't talk about it without people being uncomfortable as they look at their child and then look at me with sad eyes, knowing they have something to show for the changes and I don't.

4. I have given up so much for this dream and I feel like I might have lost quite a bit of myself in the travels.

5. I need to stop trying for a good chunk of time and give myself a life for awhile.

6. I hate having to be so god damn strong, but I know that if I weren't, I would be a puddle on the ground of some psych ward.

So yah.....I am looking into a Master's Program. I want to get my Educational Technology degree... Tyler thinks I should get my MBA after seeing me deal with 50 fifty-yr old Frat guys at the game yesterday trying to bully our seats away from us. We have thought about moving. We have thought about so many things. Now it is time to start doing. I have one more IVF left and then I am done. Whether this is done with a surrogate or not, who knows. I don't trust myself enough to get pregnant, and if by some miracle I do, I don't trust myself to keep it through 9 months. Life is like a bingo wheel right now, and I never know what will be called out next.

I am doing ok. I am just fed up. Fed up with being thrown under the bus left and right. Needing good things to come my way and for things to stop being taken away. Thanks for listening.

Mixed Business

2010-08-27T22:26:00.000-05:00

I haven't written too much here lately..... 1. because we have been gone a ton and 2. I feel like I keep repeating myself. After we got our last bfn, I just shut off. I have pretty much removed myself from the process and seem to have thrown in the towel. I don't feel the strength to do more damn treatments. I don't want to miss more work and worry about all that goes with it. I am just done.

I don't know if I will keep feeling done, but my body is tired. I hate not being able to plan anything in our life without worrying about "if" I am doing a treatment and "if" I am pregnant or on bed rest. Right now, I am just not able to handle it. I am tired. I am broken. And I am sure as hell not getting any younger. And this brings up another point.... if fertility dives when you hit 30, what could I possibly have left?

I know I don't have much left. I don't have much of anything left to give to this battle, but I won't let myself stop without putting it all on the table. Some little boy or girl deserves Tyler as a father more than anything, and I just have to get to that point....however it may be.

Tried again...failed again.

2010-08-15T16:42:00.000-05:00

On the 3rd, we did FET #3. Out of five embryos frozen, only two made the thaw. Bad thaw results again. With much heaviness on our hearts, we transferred the two and we waited. I was queasy some so that made me feel good. Then on the 11th, I tested and it was negative..along with two more negatives the next two days and a neg blood test just to seal the deal. Now we are in Florida to spread our daughter's ashes. I honestly don't know if there is a better place for me than on the beach right now. So here we are again....6 transfers and only grief to show. Thank you for all of the support. I don't know where this leaves us but I know we will be breaking for a good while. Love to you all.

-lindsay

Asking for your help

2010-08-09T13:33:00.001-05:00

I teach Junior High Earth Science and I am trying to get a Library for my classroom funded through DonorsChoose.org. There is a movie coming out called "Waiting for Superman" and if you pledge to see this movie, they will send you a $5.00 code that you can then apply to my project on DonorsChoose.org.

I know I have many readers out there in the shadows :) I am asking for just a bit of your time to try and make this happen. It was my first big thing I hopped into after losing Sophia and I hold this special to my heart.

Here is the link for the movie: http://www.waitingforsuperman.com/

and here is the link for my project on DonorsChoose:
http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=396526&verify=1899512913

Any bit would help and I appreciate it greatly! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

-Lindsay

It's the Little Things

2010-08-04T20:36:00.001-05:00

When you deal with Infertility, there is so much bad that can happen almost daily, that you really take and cherish the little things in life, when you can. Yesterday I had one of those moments, in the middle of a very big moment. My little thing was Tyler holding my hand and stroking my hair as two of our embryos were transferred back into me. Yes, you read that right, we are trying again.

It has been an emotional roller coaster of gargantuan proportions, but we made it through and I am now on bedrest. I don't know what the coming weeks will bring, but I have hope for this cycle. I have to have hope. I have to do something to getting back to being happy and this is my way. I can't describe the amount of love I felt for my husband in the moments of our transfer. It is such a cognisant moment. When you are fertile, you don't really know if anything is happening... if the sperm is meeting the egg. With a transfer, you actually watch the embryo being put into place. It is such an overpowering sight.

It was very emotional. Dr. J knew the emotions were very raw for us. I was glad to be back home by lunchtime and have been in bed ever since. Bed got to me a bit, so I am now on couch duty for the rest of the week, hoping good things are happening. I have been very quiet about all of this and truly contemplated never speaking a word of it until/or if I started to show. Yah...I can't keep very quiet. So if you have any spare well wishes, I could really use the cheerleading.

And speaking of Cheerleaders, I have a huge one out in the Bronx. My dear friend sent a lovely care package before my procedure on Tuesday with lucky socks (they were even polka dots!) and some sticky dust as well. Love this girl so much. :)

Love to you all.

The struggle - beware of strong language.

2010-07-29T09:04:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking quite a bit lately and this struck me. Growing up, I never imagined any troubles getting pregnant. I am the oldest of 5 from someone who is the 3rd youngest of 11.....it's in my genes, right? Yah not so much. So the struggle started. The struggle to GET pregnant. Basically this took all of the joy out of trying to start a family. I never knew what the next home test would bring. We never got a positive except for the last time. After 30 months of negatives, hundreds of shots, thousands of pills, surgery, and 5 IVFs.... it finally happened. I got pregnant.

Then we were joyous about being pregnant. I puked every day. No biggie. Puke and go on...I hadn't been, we hadn't been that happy in more than 2 years. We were finally going to be parents. I felt good. I looked good. I was good. And then 24 weeks hit. My anxiety had started to rise leading up to this point, knowing that 24 meant viability... she would have a shot at survival if she came early. I knew pre-eclampsia was a definite possibility, even though my OB didn't seem too concerned. One morning I just felt off. It was 24w3days. My bp was through the roof compared to its normal numbers. Went to the OB that day, took the next day off, and I rested then taking bp meds to lower my numbers. I was swelled up a bit but the tests came back as nothing about the normal range. Phew!

Phew my ass. Seriously? I had developed pre-eclampsia. The single most thing I was terrified of. It almost killed my Mom and my sister...multiple times. My Docs missed it. I should have known. Damnit, I should have known. 4 weeks later it was over. She had stopped growing during that first episode and things went downhill from there. Viability is a bunch of BS. It doesn't really matter if they never have a shot at the outside world.

Today I am just so pissed off at the whole thing. I don't deserve this and Tyler surely doesn't. I was so god damn happy being pregnant. I didn't complain. I took everything in stride. And now that joy is gone. I will never be the happy pregnant woman again. I will be a neurotic mess. Constant anxiety and fear. One more thing that is normal for billions but never for me.

Never take what you have for granted. Those "annoying" kids you have are true miracles. Those children "you just want to trade in" are what other people are crushed over losing. I am so sick of losing the joy in my life, and while each day I try to make it a good day, the fact still remains.

And some will say that I need to see a counselor. I have. It helps for the hour I am there until I realize that she doesn't really know what to say. She has never lost a child. So many who tell me what I should do have never lost a child. You can't describe what you go through, you just have to know. And while I appreciate the words of the counselor, I just need to work through it as things come.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Some happy words would be nice. No sorries please. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I am just in pain. I don't want to be pitied, too.

FB Status Today

2010-07-21T16:12:00.001-05:00

She would have been a month old today. Feeling the need to talk about her. Realizing that I am stronger than I think and losing Sophia does not have to define who I am. I will never stop missing her, but I can live better for her.

To keep me busy...

2010-07-08T22:22:00.000-05:00

I have been posting over on my original blog about our Summer meals and my quest for home greatness. Pop on over if you like!

Remnants of Me

Had nuclear meltdown last night

2010-07-07T10:37:00.000-05:00

Tyler had some business up in Chicago yesterday, so I drove separate and went shopping for the day. My allergies were really bad and I was too stubborn to stop and pick up some Claritin, so it put me in a foul mood. ... not to mention bad drivers all around.

On our way back, Tyler was with me and wanted to take 355, which is a toll road. I had not planned on going through tolls, so I didn't have any true money in the car. Needless to say, I now owe Chicago some money. After I had to tell the toll man I was 50cents short, I started to just sob while driving. I pulled off at the next ramp to get gas and let Tyler take over the reigns.

I cried all 2.5 hours home. He didn't know what to do. When it comes down to it, I feel like I am a failure. I failed hardcore at motherhood. I think it just hit so hard how absolutely pathetic our situation is. Who loses a child in the 28th week? Who lets that happen? Me. I am that one and it kills me to know that my body was the reason. I usually don't let these thoughts in but they dug in deep last night. I feel so much guilt. So much failure. After failed IVFs, I never thought I could get lower.... man was I wrong.

I know I am healing, but some days are just way worse than others. After a good day of shopping, ok, mostly browsing, I was just so weak and vulnerable. I hate that I break down like that, but to be honest, it is only one of very little that I have let happen. I feel like that is one thing I can control, when so much else has been out of control. I am feeling better this morning, but I just wish I had my baby girl sleeping next to me.

Dear Sophia,

2010-06-21T12:11:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day of Summer. Ever since I knew that you had decided to stay with me back in October, I dreamed of this day. Would you be a Spring Baby or a Summer Baby? Early or late? Today is the day you were due to make your appearance. Today is the day everyone would know your name. Today is the day that I mourn you most.

Sweet girl, Mommy loves you so much. Your nursery was looking so good. We had so many cute things picked out to gives you smiles and giggles. I can't bare to touch your room. Your cousin is coming any day now. We think you two would have been the best of friends. Please watch over her and keep her safe.

Sophia, you are everything I dreamed of. The moments that I got to hold you are ones that I will cherish for the rest of my life. In those moments, you made me a Mother. You made your Daddy a Daddy. Baby Girl, you are with me each day and I miss you so very much.

Trying to heal

2010-06-20T21:41:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow marks the day that Sophia should have arrived. Today is the day that Tyler and I should have been celebrating his first Father's Day. Instead of dwelling on those things, I have been doing things that might make me happy. Last week, for our anniversary, Tyler got me a new scooter. It is so cute. It is a red, vintage-style and I have named her "Moxi" :) It has been very freeing to know that I can have the wind in my face at any given time and just get away from it all. Hoping this week goes ok. I am not looking forward to what it could bring to me. I just want peace.

It's Coming

2010-06-13T20:40:00.000-05:00

The unbelievable, sinking feeling that I can't get out of. Sadness down to the very core of my existence. Tomorrow would mark 39 weeks. I don't know how I can do this. I don't know how I can get through the next week with any sense of sanity. I am going down South to my parents to help my Mom recover from surgery, but I don't think anything will keep my mind off of what could have been. I have come to the conclusion that I have no understanding of what has become of me. My circumstances are beyond absurd. Dealing with it is a joke. As of today, I feel like I have been repeatedly run over by a truck, relentless in its attack. It's sad.

I had such a great weekend with my husband to celebrate our Anniversary, but was hit with such a sudden wave of sadness this afternoon. I can't shake my feelings of defeat, misery, absolute failure. I feel so incredibly responsible for the loss of my little angel. I can't shake the guilt. I don't know if I ever will. I can't fake it today. Not anymore. I just don't have it in me anymore.

First Day of Summer = Suckage

2010-06-08T21:03:00.000-05:00

Ugh! I don't normally like to whine, but I really need to. Today has sucked like no other. It is my first day off of work and I had to wake up to take Tyler to get the truck worked on, so no sleeping in. Not a biggie, but eh. We got to the mechanic and what we thought would be a certain amount, went to about 3 times more than what we thought it was going to be. Not good news at 8am.

From there, we went to Tyler's work to pick up his co-worker and headed over to the Engineering Campus for Adobe Day. We were attending a 2 hr overview on the new CS5 suites. That went alright. Nothing too big, but I have to say, the content aware feature of Photoshop is some kind of Black-Magic Voodoo. So unbelievably amazing :)

Lunch was at Chipotle and we left with full tummies. Again nothing happened. And then it seemed to go down hill in a hurry. I studied up on my motorcycle test questions. Yes, you saw that correctly. I planned on getting my L class license today. As I got to the front of the line, I was told that I would have to take the road test as well, and that is not what I had been told before. So I ended up getting my motorcycle permit and I will take the road test later. I was so disappointed. I had big plans for that license. So yah. DMV = suck.

Got to my car and had a message from the mechanic. This is when we found out the cost had gone up even more, and had now doubled from even the new price from the morning. Major Suck!

Money leaving bank account faster than we can blink = Tyler in a bad mood = Lindsay getting really sad = just a bad day.

Topped it off with a sales guy coming by the house trying to sell alarm systems and not being happy when he left without a contract.

I am ready for tomorrow. I want a good day, damnit. A good day.

To Write Their Names in the Sand

2010-06-03T18:45:00.000-05:00

There is a lady in Australia who takes pictures of names in the sand of children gone too soon. The site is To Write Their Names in the Sand. Carly writes the names requested in the sand of a beach in Perth, Australia. The last time she took names, I was able to get my request in and Sophia's name has just gone up on her site. In a way, it hurts my heart to see it, to know why it is there, but it also brings some peace as well. These photos are done in memorial of her son, and it is a beautiful tribute to these precious babies. I will treasure this photograph always. Thank you, Carly.

The tale of Pre-E

2010-06-01T19:54:00.000-05:00

Today was my appointment with the MFM specialist. The good news: I don't have Lupus. The bad news: Pre-eclampsia is what caused the demise of my pregnancy. For those of you who have known me throughout this process, you know that pre-e was my worst fear. It is in my family history, even though most Doctors will tell you that it is not hereditary. I lost my little girl to it. Pre-eclampsia causes a spike in blood pressure and can effect the placenta and fetus. In my case, it caused hypertension, growth restriction, lack of placental growth and ultimately, stillbirth.

I also was diagnosed with hetero MTHFR today. Basically, my body does not process folic acid well and it can cause some clotting issues. I was already being treated as if I had this before, so it won't be anything new to the routine for later.

I think for the first time in a long time, I don't know what I want. We were told that I had at least a 20% chance of having pre-e again. He went as high as 50%. That is sitting on me pretty hard. There was also talk of how big of a risk it would be to me to develop pre-e again. It is life-threatening if it gets out of hand. From experience, I know it can go full-blown in a matter of a day, even hours. So what do I do with this information? When is the risk too great? Right now, I just don't know.

Time keeps ticking by...

2010-05-24T18:02:00.000-05:00

It has been a long while since I have posted last and to be honest, not too much has taken place. I went back to my OB. Blood pressure was still elevated but in a much better place. We are hoping to see another improvement on June 1st. 9 vials of blood were sucked from me, and I will get those results on June 1st as well. Work is going well for the most part. I am easily tired and don't have much to give, but I am getting through the days and doing ok with that. Flowers were planted and the patio and back of the house was power-washed. Sunburn resulted.....even with suntan lotion! The Fam is coming into town this weekend, which will be nice. So yah.... not too much going down. Thanks for checking in!

The Shower

2010-05-14T21:09:00.000-05:00

This weekend was to have been my first Baby Shower. I was all prepared. I had the registries ready. I had my dress picked out and I was so excited. Tyler and I honestly had a wonderful time picking out all the special things we would need for Sophia. Little did we know....

I feel like I have forgotten what it was like to be pregnant. I am so different now. My body and my mind. Trust does not come easy. Belief is even harder to come by. So many plans for the future that is now so unsure. Tonight I am so sad. Sad for Tyler. Sad for myself, but most of all sad for my little girl. I am so sorry I only knew you for such a short time. I can't even begin to explain how much you are loved.

First days back to work

2010-05-12T17:01:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my first day back at work. The kids were very excited to see me, as were my coworkers. It was nice to feel welcomed and loved. My coworkers did a fantastic job grading and get my grades in so I wouldn't have anything to come back to. It was so nice to walk into that. Thank you!

We had an emergency drill yesterday that threw me right back into the thick of things, and it really put me in my place. I felt like my old self, for just small moments, and it was nice.

Today had breaking up a fight and working on databases to keep me busy. I am back. I am not the same, but I am back and it's good. Now to get through the next 4 weeks and have a long Summer break.

What am I?

2010-05-08T10:04:00.000-05:00

This is something I have really been struggling with the last 5 weeks. What am I? More to the point...Am I a Mother? This weekend brings many feelings to the forefront. I have been pregnant with my daughter. I delivered my daughter. I held my daughter. I put my daughter to rest. Yet, I still have people tell me that I will be a Mom someday. But aren't I already? Am I being naive to even think about considering myself a mother?

Mother's Day to me, hurts more than most days ever will. And the hurt starts weeks before the actual day because of all the commercial build-up. It simply reminds me that my daughter is not here and I won't be celebrated because of it. Yes, I have a wonderful Mother and I love her to death, but my hurt is too much right now for that to override my feelings. I am very ready for tomorrow to be over and done with so that I can move away from it and not be reminded every commercial or online ad that my daughter is not here. It's not something to be sorry about. It is just the way things are. I face it, deal with it and try to move on.

Finding some hint of "normalcy"

2010-05-07T10:16:00.001-05:00

The last two days, I have been hit with a sense of normalcy that has done my mind good. Wednesday, I decided that it was time to find some new clothes. None of my other clothes really fit anymore. In fact, when my sisters and Mom were up for the weekend, they told me I had to put away the pants I had on and not get them out again. They were hanging off of me. I have lost a good 25-30 lbs and between 2-3 sizes. For a girl with a plethora of clothing suited for stimming and the bloat that comes with that, this is a problem. So back to it, Wednesday was a shopping day. I started out getting my hair cut and then hit Kohls, JC Penney, and Ann Taylor Loft. I found a cute sundress at Kohls. I found a couple pairs of capris and a top at JC Penney and I found the motherload at the Loft. I think I left with about 6 tops and a pair of pants. Not a bad experience. I felt good about how it all looked and it was nice to feel decent.

Wednesday night, I started to feel guilty for having a nice day. I cried and worried that I was doing something wrong, but honestly, I needed that good day. I needed it so badly. That night I decided to do something useful. So Thursday, I went out to the hardware stores and found new door knobs for all 10 interior doors. I then got home and installed all 10. It felt wonderful to be useful. Tyler came home to all new handles and he was so happy to not see brass. (Our house has been getting de-brassified for
over 3 years now)

The combination of the last 2 days has given me some energy back. It was 5 weeks ago that we lost our little girl. I have been a hermit for most of those weeks, but this week I stepped out and did ok. I still hurt. I still cry. I still fall into a puddle when something triggers me, but I am breathing and I am kicking. I have changed so very much, but I am me.

One Percent

2010-05-05T10:26:00.000-05:00

It is a horrible statistic. Only 1% result in... blah blah blah. I have been on the wrong side of 1% too many times. It has really been eating at me. I mean who does that?! In the Fall of 08, we had 4 embryos that we froze after our IVF in July. We decided to try transferring 2 of those embryos. The day the Lab thawed the embryos, all 4 were lost. They didn't survive the thaw. It was less than a 1% chance of happening. Our world completely flipped upside down.

And then last night, I read that only 1% of pregnancies end in stillbirth. As we all know, this has completely shattered me. It is impossible to understand how this happens not once, but twice to someone who only wants what apparently any 14 yr old in the area can have, a healthy baby to bring home. 1% sucks. It truly should not even be told to someone. Tyler and I have decided that we never want to hear statistics again. I don't want to know how little the chance is, because I find myself on the wrong side way too many times to have any comfort from numbers. So for now, 1% is an awful stat and I am pretty sure I don't want to see when it could be a good thing.

1 month

2010-05-03T11:51:00.001-05:00

Today marks 1 month since I delivered our little girl. Most nights I relive the experience over and over in my head before I can get any sleep. I feel the pain before the epidural and I see the pain in each of our parent's eyes. I see Tyler holding our baby girl and in one moment, it makes me want to break into a million pieces because of the extreme agony felt. Seeing our daughter in his arms was the single most wonderful and single most gut-wrenching moment of my life. That is what keeps me up at night. That is what makes me cry myself to sleep. To see our whole life in his arms and never know if it will happen for us again.

A new look...another year

2010-05-01T09:45:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I decided that I couldn't stand the look of my blog anymore and I needed to find a new template. After hours of looking for something free and right, I settled on this one. It is the first day of May and with that brings the 3 year anniversary of trying for a child. 3 whole years have been filled with negatives, hundreds of shots, thousands of pills. But I shouldn't say 3 whole years. 7 months of that were the happiest of my life and were filled with absolute bliss expecting Sophia. And 4 of those weeks have been the worst of my life.

The picture of Sophia's name at the beach was taken by a friend from one of the websites I am on while she was vacationing in Aruba. I didn't know she was going to do this and it meant a lot to see the pictures pop up on the Board. The Beach has always been my very favorite place on Earth and it gives me a little peace to see her name written in the sand. Thanks, L!

Follow up Appointment

2010-04-29T18:05:00.002-05:00

Today was my follow up with my OB and it went ok. My blood pressure is back down and I have moved from 3 times a day to 2 times a day, working towards getting me completely off the meds. Today, I also got my appointment with the MFM for June 1st. I will go in, in 3 weeks, for repeat blood tests to go over with the MFM and I want to thoroughly go over what would be if I were to try to get pregnant again and succeed. I want to make sure all of our bases are covered.

I guess that brings up the question "Will we try again?" To be honest, I just don't know if I will ever be able to bring myself to it again. It makes me so sad to know that I will never experience the happiness of pregnancy in its fullest again. I know if I do happen upon a positive procedure, that my nerves will be completely shot for however long I end up expecting. It is a completely pessimistic look at it all, but that is where I am right now, and that is ok.

I hurt. I hurt more than I can possibly put into words and I am not ok. I will tell you I am. I will put on a brave face, but I'm not. I am surviving. I think that is the best way I can put it. Some days I smile. Some days I laugh. Some days I leave the house and others I stay on my couch. I am surviving and that is all I can do right now. Yes, I know I should see a professional, and I have been since this happened, but no matter what she can say or get me to see, I still hurt. It is normal and it will be for as long as I need it to be. I lost my daughter just as I was getting to really know her, and no amount of words is going to change that. This is my grief.

Flowers...

2010-04-27T14:23:00.000-05:00

do brighten even the gloomiest of days. Thank you, Kim.

Haunted by my dreams

2010-04-27T11:52:00.002-05:00

Sophia has been in my mind so much longer than what I was pregnant. Tyler and I will be together for 15 years in November and she has been a feature of my imagination for at least 10 of those years. I always assumed we would have a little girl first. She would hopefully have Daddy's olive skin and my hair and we would argue over if she would have his eyebrows or not, poor thing. She was always right there in my mind. My little girl who we thought would look a lot like Boo from Monsters, Inc. Now, I feel like my imagination haunts me.

I dream of what Sophia would be like. I have seen her grow up as a toddler and then as a young girl. I wake up shaken and upset, but part of me smiles for what she could have been. It is a hard thing to swallow. How did I even get to this place?

Feeling so Lost

2010-04-25T22:03:00.002-05:00

I posted this week about my blood work coming back all messed up and my blood pressure still being high... this is weighing on me so much. My body hates me. I mean really hates me. I truly do not know how much more I can take. I think I am just at a breaking point. I feel so lost, with no true direction. This week I realized that I don't have any answers. My OB is completely at a loss as to why Sophia didn't make it.

Where does that leave us? It took us 2.5 years and 5 embryo transfers just to be lucky enough to get pregnant once with Sophia. Seriously? Why would I even begin to think that we could get lucky again? What makes me think that I could even trust my body with another child to grow? For so long I have concentrated on getting pregnant and now I just don't know. I don't know much of anything anymore. I feel like the further we get from everything, the more I am crumbling. So much pain is in my heart. /vent over

3 weeks ago

2010-04-23T14:34:00.003-05:00

3 weeks ago today, I lost you, Baby Girl. I miss you so terribly much. It is gloomy today and raining in patches and that is pretty much how I feel. It is hard to see how I will ever feel better when I feel like I do today. I love you.

Writing just to get it out...

2010-04-22T21:48:00.002-05:00

I have sat down to write 4 different times today and just stare at the screen. It has been building all day, the anxiety that sits so deep inside me and I was just scared to talk about it. Now I feel like I just have to get it out. I am a different person today than I was 3 weeks ago. I have always been a confident, outspoken, opinionated person and today I find myself scared, anxious and helpless. I feel so weak. I know I have been through so much lately, but I hate the hopelessness that I feel in my heart.

I hate that when I see people, I see pity in their eyes. No one wants to be me, the lady that lost her daughter. I get it. Yah, it sucks. Let's face it, my circumstances blow. I think people are scared to be around me. I am scared about being around you. I am incredibly vulnerable and an emotional wreck. Who would want to be around that? I don't know who, but I don't blame you.

I really don't know the point of this post, but it was what was inside. Thank you for letting me get it out.

A Little Star in the Sky

2010-04-20T14:52:00.002-05:00

Last week was the week of food. Everyday one of my coworkers brought by a plethora of food. Lasagna, fried chicken, roast, BBQ....desserts galore. It was truly appreciated. All of this has kept Tyler fed, and I can't say thank you enough for that. I have bits and pieces of food, enough to keep me going, but I am having a hard time eating much of substance. No appetite to speak of.

Last week also brought by some friends who had something special for Tyler and I. One of my coworkers had thought to have a star named after Sophia and gave us the certificate and coordinates to go with it. As she was telling our students about her idea, they started taking money out of their pockets to help donate for it. I am so touched. Seriously, my kids might be a pain in the butt half the time, but I love them dearly. I know they love me and miss me and they want to honor Sophia so much. Thank you for that.

The girls also brought by a packet of donations from my Association, PTO, my coworkers and teachers from other buildings in the District to help with bills and anything else we might need. To say we have been completely overwhelmed doesn't even begin to touch it. We truly do have very caring friends and colleagues and that means the world to us. Thank you.

No answers...just more questions.

2010-04-19T20:19:00.002-05:00

Today has been hard. Really hard. Today we went to the Clinic to see my OB for the first time since Sophia's death. As I checked in, I kept my head down and tried to avert my eyes as much as possible. The looming possibility of large, pregnant bellies was just too much. The feel of the waiting room was all wrong. I let the receptionist know that we were supposed to be called in right away and Tyler and I sat in different chairs than we usually did. It was tense and uncomfortable, but we were called back shortly after arriving. The room we were put into showed pictures of children Dr. S had delivered. I couldn't help but think of my little girl. I feel so empty when I am in those types of moments. I think about what I had been just 2 1/2 weeks ago and it is so heartbreaking.

Dr. S came in and asked how we were doing. That is such a hard question to answer. Yes, I am breathing. Yes, I am functioning. Yes, I am most likely putting up a huge wall and faking it until I can make it on my own. I look ok. I get out of bed. I shower, but God, I am so incredibly empty. I cannot even begin to explain the pain that is in my heart. I will never be able to put into words what that is like. Back to the appt... It comes down to this: Sophie was fine. She was small for her age, but there is nothing jumping out as to what happened to her. My baby girl gave it her all and just couldn't keep up. Dr. S thinks it has to do with my hypertension, but that only started at 24 weeks and doesn't really explain why Sophie stopped growing. That is a hard bite to swallow. She should have made it.

My levels on the other hand, did not do so well. There are some things going on with my blood coagulating and my ANA (I think) levels came back abnormal, which can be an indicator of Lupus. I go back in June to meet with a specialist to be retested. At the end of the appointment, as my Zoloft was upped, Dr. S checked my blood pressure to find that it is still really high, higher than it was all pregnancy. That isn't good. He doesn't know why it is so high and I know it is really scaring Tyler. I feel so numb about it all. I don't have my little one to worry about and I just don't worry about me. I don't feel the need to. My meds are upped, again, and now I have to go back next week instead of the middle of May. I think it was the presence of intense headaches that really put Dr. S on alert. They are bad and won't go away. I just want to start to feel ok. Please.

Sophia's Story

2010-04-16T12:13:00.003-05:00

2 weeks ago today, at 28 weeks 4 days, I realized that I had not been feeling our little Petri like I had been. She was known for her Olympic-like gymnastics and I just wasn't feeling it. The books say that movement slows down around the 28th week as the baby gets bigger. I figured, alright, no biggie. She is just asleep when I am awake. I had a big weekend planned. Tyler was turning 30 and I had a surprise party all planned for him. I thought maybe I should call into the Nurse and check in just to make sure things were OK before the weekend hit.

It was the week of Spring Break and it had been gorgeous most of the week. The Nursery had new carpet put in that Monday and the crib was all set and decorated. The room was stunning. Tyler had been taking half-days to be with me and everything was going so well. I called into the Nurse and described what was going on and she decided to have me come in at 1:00 that afternoon to make sure of the heartbeat and check things out.

I was feeling anxious, but nothing too bad. I had not had any bad symptoms. No spotting, no pain...just being pregnant in the third tri. Tyler was nervous. I could see it in his face, but I tried to reassure him. When we got to the Doctor's office, the Nurse brought us back and tried to find Petri's heartbeat. She was having a hard time. Petri had been stubborn before, so I tried not to panic. Another Nurse came in and tried to find the heartbeat. This Nurse had been the one to normally check me in, and she had no luck. At that moment, I started to cry. The ladies went to get the Doctor on call because mine was out of town and they brought in the portable sono. It was so surreal as I lifted my shirt and felt the jelly being rubbed around my pregnant tummy. The Doctor looked at me in that instant, after studying the screen, and said that she was so sorry to have to tell us this, but our baby had died. There was no heartbeat.

Panic, shock, denial.... so much rushed through my head at the same time. I completely broke as Tyler came to my side and held me..knowing our dream was crushed in one second. As quickly as the denial came, I realized that I would have to deliver my daughter who had already passed. The Doctor told us our options as I struggled to focus on anything. I looked into Tyler's eyes and saw what I was feeling, utter devastation. We decided that I needed to deliver as soon as I could. I couldn't be in limbo.

We were brought down to the real sono department so they could take measurements and found out our precious Sophia was only measuring at 24 weeks. Something had happened at some point to stop her growth or slow it. That was quite a blow to take. After the sono, we were told to head to Labor and Delivery. When we got there, they didn't really know what to do with us. They asked us something, I don't remember what, and I told them I was there to deliver my baby. She had died. I didn't say it nicely, and it wasn't my best moment, but it sure got people moving. We were brought to a Birthing Suite and hit in the face with the infant warmer and all the niceties you want to see in the Suite you will have your baby in, but would be so bitter to see if your child was not coming to the world alive. This was about 3 in the afternoon. The Nurse left us alone for a long time. We had asked for some time to let things sink in and to get a hold of our families. Our parents never make it easy, but we finally talked to everyone. In an instant, parents were coming from out of town, and out of state.

At some point, the people from the lab came in and took anywhere from 20-25 vials of blood from me. I just sat there, with what I am sure was a very glazed over look on my face. Tyler held my hand as that finished and had to verify the name labels. It was then about 6pm. At that point, I changed into the hospital gown and sat in the bed. We decided to get the IV hooked up and start inducing. At some point, they asked us about what funeral home we would be using and if we wanted pictures taken by a group called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. It was so overwhelming. We had no idea what we would do. We knew what we wanted and that was for Sophia to still be with us. Finally, Tyler thought of the Funeral Home close to our house. The Nurse contacted them. We decided that pictures might be a good thing to have, even if it takes us years to be ready to see them. The Nurse contacted the group. Things moved along...

The induction meds started to work pretty much right away. Even though I wasn't dilating very much, the contractions started. Tyler's parents got to the room just a bit after my IV had started. It was hard seeing them, and I know they didn't like seeing me like I was. I was contracting about every 3 minutes or so. I went on feeling them for about 3 hours. As they got closer together and more painful, I asked for the epidural. At that time, the in-laws left to go to our house to get things for us. We obviously were not prepared for labor at all. I had the epidural done at 9pm. It wasn't bad, about the same as a Lovenox shot. At this point, I had decided to feel as little as I could. I wanted some things to remain unknown in case I have a next time. I had to have 2 more boosts of the epi meds to get it to take away all the feeling it needed to. Those boosts just so happened to make me vomit, too. Fun, fun.

At about midnight, I got the second dose of induction meds. I started to get a very high fever and tried to sleep some. My parents got in about 40 minutes later. Talk about hard. They felt so bad for us and it hurt to see them in so much pain. At this point, the only thing I had to eat that day was chocolate cheerios and a chocolate donut. We were going to go to lunch after the appointment, but never made it. Because I couldn't have food, I was making due on popsicles. Not too much later, at about 2am, I felt pressure and knew things were close. The Nurse checked me and told us it was time.

I had our parents leave the room and Tyler moved in to be with me. As the Doctor prepared, Tyler held me as much as he could and I cried my heart out as I delivered our little girl. Afterward, they put her in my arms and I just stared at her for the longest time, holding her close. She truly looked like us. She was beautiful. She had dark eyebrows and a little button nose. The tiniest eyelashes and little lips and chin. I was shivering so much from the epi meds, I had been all night, and I was so worried of hurting her. Irrational, but I wanted to keep her safe.

After a long while, our parents came in and we told them her name. I couldn't give her up for others to hold. I was so afraid to lose her. As time went by, they said goodbye and then Tyler held her. This will always be one of my most cherished memories. He was such the father in that instant. When we were ready, we both said goodbye. I kissed my fingers and touched her forehead, told her we would always love her and said goodbye.

I was released midday. The drive home was so incredibly hard, knowing we were leaving her behind. Coming into our house, we realized someone had cleared everything away for us and it was hard to see, but I was a mess either way. We both were. After completely turning into a puddle, Tyler put me to bed and I slept for a long time. Sometimes I still feel like I am sleeping and just in a bad dream... if only that were true.

I miss being pregnant.

2010-04-14T14:28:00.002-05:00

I miss everything about it. I miss my growing bump and my kicking little girl. I miss being happy and excited. Not many people know this, but I pretty much threw up every morning and night of my first trimester. It was how I knew our IVF had worked. I embraced that. Got sick, moved on. It was what I had to do. I didn't complain about it. I did what I had to do. I would do anything to still have those symptoms. I would do anything to have all of that back and not see pain in my Husband's eyes.

It is so hard to not feel like a failure in all of this. I was supposed to be able to keep her safe and I did for so long. I just don't understand what happened. We were so close this time. So close.

Part of a Community

2010-04-12T14:45:00.002-05:00

Sometimes you don't realize how much you have until it is either gone or something tragic happens. You know in the back of your head that people love and care about you, and some people are more outward than others. But when a tragedy occurs, the people who hold your hand and give you a shoulder to cry on are invaluable.

After the passing of Sophia, we have been flooded with support and love. Dozens of cards have come to our home. Beautiful flowers sit on our table and our FB and email accounts have dozens of well wishes by family and friends. I, well both of us, have been completely overwhelmed by the amount of people showing us they care for us and our baby girl.

Over the past week, I opened one card in particular from a very special group of people. They are a group of ladies who have dealt with or are still dealing with Infertility that wanted to support Tyler and I in anyway they could through this loss. When I opened that card, I found that dozens of women had donated 29 trees to the Arbor Day Foundation in memory of Sophia's 28 weeks of life and 1 to know that she will always be in our hearts. They also ordered personalized charms for Tyler and I and sent money so I could get a special piece of mother's jewelry to always have Sophia with me. We were beyond words to see such generosity from a group that I have never met in person. These ladies are invaluable to me and I love them dearly.

Thank you to everyone from the bottom of our hearts. We are very blessed to have family and friends that we can count on.

In one day...

2010-04-06T18:32:00.002-05:00

In one day your whole world can change. October 12th, 2009, we found out that we were expecting our first child. On April 2nd, 2010, we found out that our precious daughter's heart had stopped beating. In one day we went from a thrilled, exhilarated expecting couple to a couple that had everything swept out from underneath them. In one day, I became a Mother and lost a Daughter.

In the early hours of April 3rd, I delivered our baby girl, Sophia Marie. She was a tiny, beautiful little girl who was the perfect mix of the two of us. My heart swelled and broke in the same instant. I have never, we have never, been through a harder experience in our life.

Our family, friends and colleagues have been here for us throughout. It seems like years since Saturday, and yet it has only been days. I am in a fog, trying to make sense of what has happened, only to realize too well that we may never know.

I miss my baby. I miss Sophia with everything I have. She was my, is my, darling little girl who had a whole, full life waiting for her. She had her Daddy wrapped around her tiny finger from day 1. She had me fawning over her every movement. I honestly don't know how I will ever recover from losing my precious little girl. Somehow I need to find peace and I hope it comes to me one day.

28 Weeks!

2010-03-29T13:52:00.002-05:00

Baby's now the size of a squash!

Baby's lungs are mature enough that, if born right now, she has a pretty good chance of surviving (with help from medical technology). Her skin is still pretty wrinkly (one byproduct of living in amniotic fluid) but will smoothen as fat continues to deposit.

27 Weeks! Hello Third Trimester :)

2010-03-22T19:16:00.002-05:00

Baby's still the size of an eggplant or a head of cauliflower, depending who you ask :)
Baby's lungs are going through some major developments these days, which (combined with the opening of previously plugged nostrils) means he's now able to practice inhaling and exhaling. The lack of air in your womb means every "breath" is filled with amniotic fluid, but hey -- it's progress.

Today is the day! Third Tri, baby! I am so excited to be able to say that. We had our first prenatal class over the weekend. It was Labor Anesthesia and everything went well. I got to ask my questions about any complications with the Lovenox I was on and if my high blood pressure would need any special care during the epidural. I feel good about things now. We start our Prepared Childbirth classes in April with a slew of others to follow. Things are moving right along and everything seems good. Get to see Dr. S on Thursday for my 2 week appointment. I haven't felt my blood pressure rocket lately, which is a good sign. Still can't believe I can say third tri :)

Nursery Bedding is ordered

2010-03-21T16:44:00.002-05:00

Today I finally sucked it up and ordered the bedding for the Nursery. I had really struggled with this because: 1. I am a deal kind of shopper, and 2. I didn't want to jinx anything. This week we will put on the final coat of paint and then on the 29th, the carpet will be installed.

Tyler put up the fan today and it looks great. I swear I stand in that room and just stare. It is amazing to literally see a dream coming true. I love my Hubby so much for everything he has done. (you too, Wayne!) Here's the bedding:

26 Weeks!

2010-03-19T18:36:00.003-05:00

Baby's still the size of an eggplant!
Baby's soaking up your antibodies, getting her immune system ready for life outside the womb. Eyes are forming, and she'll soon be practicing the blink...perfect for batting those freshly grown lashes.

Not much is new this week. Some m/s...the usual, but doing really well. Excited for March Madness and only one more week until Spring Break! Yay!!

Taa-daa!

25 Weeks!

2010-03-11T14:45:00.000-06:00

Baby's now the size of an eggplant!

That oh-so-handy sense of equilibrium is kicking in, and baby's learning to distinguish right side up from upside down.

This week has been much better. The BP meds have helped out and on Wednesday I was moved from every week appointments to every 2 weeks, which I am thankful for. It was ISAT week at school, so that kept me busy and I was able to stay seated most of the time. Things are looking up and I am getting so excited about meeting our little girl. On Saturday, it will be 100 days to go!

24 weeks!

2010-03-02T19:14:00.003-06:00

Baby's still the size of a papaya!
Baby's skin is becoming more opaque as the fat starts to pack on. And, thanks to the formation of small capillaries, her newly thick skin is taking on a fresh pink glow.

This past week has been one for the books. Last Tuesday, I started to notice swelling when I came home from school. No biggie.... it happens. Wednesday morning was alright, but during the day, I just didn't feel right. Went home very swollen and it did not go away over night. Thursday morning, I got to school still swollen and thought I should have my blood pressure checked. Sure enough, it was extremely high... when it should be at its lowest. I was scared and I knew what could be coming. I had a headache and it just was adding up to too many bad things. I called the Dr. and a few back-n-forths later, I was squeezed in during the afternoon. BP was still high. They took my blood and found out that not only did I have high bp, but my potassium was way low... which can lead to heart problems. Great!

Dr. S was very good about the whole thing. He knew my concerns and made me feel like we would be ok. Pre-eclampsia was mentioned, more than once, and bed rest was as well. I know what I could be facing and it terrifies me, but I feel like I am in good hands. Baby Girl made it to viability this week, which makes me feel better. I go back in Thursday to talk to Dr. S to see where we go from here.

Dr. Tyler (my DH) has been faithfully taking my bp a few times a day (it is still high) and reminds me to take my bp meds and potassium. God love him, because this pregnant gal can't remember much of anything.

I could use your thoughts and prayers if you can spare them. We will know more this week. Hoping for the best!

23 weeks!

2010-02-22T19:13:00.000-06:00

Baby's still the size of a papaya!
Baby's little face is fully formed...minus the baby fat, of course. The next task at hand for baby: sprouting two teeny-tiny nipples!

22 Weeks!

2010-02-17T19:02:00.004-06:00

Baby's now the size of a papaya!

Baby's settling into sleep cycles, snoozing about 12 to 14 hours a day. It shouldn't be hard to figure out when -- just pay attention to those kicks as they start and stop.

Feeling great! Tyler felt Baby Girl last week (Feb. 12th at 21w3d) and she has been non-stop for most of the time since. She seems to get shy when he tries to feel her kicking away, but we keep trying.

I first knew I was feeling her back on January 31st and it is just so amazing! Loving every minute of it, except when she plays jumping bean on my bladder :) Then I just have to find a bathroom. :)

Here I am:

21 Weeks!

2010-02-08T10:31:00.000-06:00

Baby's now the size of a banana!

Baby's digestive system is busy creating meconium (a tarry black substance made of swallowed amniotic fluid, digestive secretion, and dead cells), which will fill the first diaper after birth. And, if baby is a girl, her womb is now stocked up with her lifetime supply of six million eggs (the number will drop to around one million by birth).

20 Weeks!

2010-02-02T23:16:00.001-06:00

Baby's now the size of a cantaloupe!
Baby gulps down several ounces of amniotic fluid every day, both for nutrition and to practice swallowing and digesting. And, these days, those taste buds actually work! Studies show that after birth, babies respond best to tastes they've already had via amniotic fluid. Meaning, think about what you'd like your future child to eat as you prepare your own lunch.

19 Weeks!

2010-01-25T18:55:00.004-06:00

Baby's now the size of a mango!

Vernix caseosa, a greasy white substance made of lanugo, oil, and dead skin cells (yum) now coats baby's skin, shielding it from the amniotic fluid. (Picture yourself after a nine-month bath, and the need for protection makes sense.) You might get to see the vernix at birth, especially if baby is premature.

And here I am:

My Lunch on Friday

2010-01-24T15:46:00.001-06:00

Friday at lunch in the Teacher's Lounge, the Pepsi man was asking us if we would like Sierra Mist in the machine and what we would like to get rid of. We said the Diet Pepsi Caffeine wasn't used much and would like the Sierra Mist better.

Holier than Art Thou Nurse W happened to be in the room and say that she drinks that and let everyone know that she intended to get rid of all caffeine in the soda machine. She said caffeine was horrible, especially for pregnant women. One of our subs, who is a retired teacher that I love, happened to be in the room and asked me if I was drinking caffeine, joking around. I had a sweet tea with extra ice from McDonald's, so I said yes.

The Nurse then proceeded to tell me how bad it was for me, and asked if I even had a Doctor. I said my Doctor said it was fine and I was not going to sit here and be judged for having some tea.

She left and came back about 5 minutes later with pages printed out from the Internet and told me I should read through them. I obviously didn't have my information correct and perhaps I should be more honest with my Doctor. I then informed her that I was under the care of an OB who happened to be a High-risk specialist and was under the care of an RE before that who were fine with some caffeine. She told me I should bring these sheets in to the Dr. to make sure they knew the problems with caffeine. I told her, NO, I would not be doing that and turned away from her.

This is the same lady who would send vomiting children back to my room when I sent them to her after telling her that I was pregnant and the flu shot and H1N1 shot was not in effect yet.... Needless to say my blood pressure rose very high and my face was still red 30 minutes later. Great lunch hour! :)

It's a Girl!!

2010-01-21T16:38:00.003-06:00

This past Monday we had our BIG u/s and it was wonderful! About halfway in, the Tech asked if we wanted to know the sex and we said yes. A few seconds later she told us we have a baby girl. The smile on Tyler's face was fantastic and it didn't leave him for a very long time. I think this little girl is going to be a Daddy's girl deluxe! She already has him wrapped around her little bitty finger.

Everything else in the Anatomy scan looked really good. 10 fingers and 10 toes. Things are going well and we are just about halfway there. Had to believe this is going so fast!

18 Weeks!

2010-01-20T15:55:00.003-06:00

Baby's now the size of a sweet potato!
Baby's become amazingly mobile (compared to you, at least), passing the hours yawning, hiccupping, rolling, twisting, kicking, punching, sucking, and swallowing. And baby is finally big enough that you'll soon be able to feel her movements.

And here I am:

17 Weeks!

2010-01-14T21:42:00.002-06:00

Baby's now the size of an onion!
Baby's skeleton is hardening, changing from rubbery cartilage to bone, and fat is finally accumulating around it. His umbilical cord is getting thicker and stronger, and those little fingers and toes now feature one-of-a-kind prints.

16 Weeks!

2010-01-07T18:55:00.001-06:00

Baby's now the size of an avocado!
Watch what you say...tiny bones forming in baby's ears mean she can now pick up your voice. A few more minuscule changes: Eyebrows, lashes, and hair are starting to fill in, and taste buds are forming.

This week was our first meeting with our OB. He is wonderful. We were a bit worried about how comfortable we would be with a new Dr. after being so close to Dr. J, but Dr. S seems to be a good fit. We listened to Petri's hb and all was good. I talked to Dr. S about my concerns with pre-eclampsia and my Mom's history and he was glad I let him know, but reassured me that it does not mean that I will have a preemie or that I will be in danger. Before I did bring that up, he did say that we would see him more often because of being an IVF pregnancy. We were both ok with that and welcomed the hand-holding ;)

I was starting to feel more confident about this turning out well until today, when 2 people in my IF/pregnant community lost their babies. I am so sad for their losses and so don't know how to feel. This is such a delicate process and it makes you realize how insensitive life can be.

2009...

2009-12-31T10:30:00.002-06:00

For the past 2 New Year's Eves, I have written a post that was stoic, sad, depressing and down right ugly. This year is something so different. 2009 became my year of hope. We had so much loss in 2008 and 2009 started out with an exploratory surgery to determine if I had endometriosis or not. The surgery went well and the endo was attacked and conquered.

We decided to take a break from the workings of Trying to Conceive and ended up in Florida not once, but twice, for a total of 3 fantastic weeks. 1 week was with Tyler's sister and her girls and 1 week was with my brother and his wife and 1 week was us on our own, always loving the beach. We had a wonderful time. We celebrated 5 years married with a wonderful yacht ride on the ocean and even better food at one of our favorite spots. We tried to watch the Space Shuttle launch but failed twice.

In July, we headed back to our RE for more treatments. With the endo gone, we were confident that this would work. Life had different plans. Another failed transfer was behind us but I was ready to push onward. This year was going to be it for us. And it was. After IVF #5 (Fresh #3), we got our BFP on October 12th. For the first time in my life, I got to see a positive test and hear the wonderful words from my Nurse that I was actually pregnant. We waited out 2 betas to make sure the numbers were going our way and off we went to tell our parents and families. They were thrilled.

Time moved on and I became sicker and sicker, but it was all in jest. Weirdo me didn't mind puking, knowing that little Petri was just wreaking havoc on my system.

November came and went and now the end of December is upon us. I am 15 1/2 weeks along and looking forward to meeting our OB next week and finding out what Team Petri will be on at the end of January. Blue or Pink, we don't really care. Extra fingers or toes, I can even handle that. All we are wishing for this year is a healthy, happy baby in June. Our hopes and dreams have been answered and for that, I will be eternally grateful.

My thoughts are with the Women of my IF board who continue on with their journeys and I hope for them that 2010 can be a miraculous year. I wish you all the best and will be there rooting you on all the way. Lots of Love,

-Lindsay

15 Weeks!

2009-12-28T10:12:00.004-06:00

Baby's now the size of a naval orange!
Continuing the march toward normal proportions, baby's legs now out-measure his arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Your fetus is squirming and wiggling like crazy down in the womb, though you probably can't feel the movements just yet.

This morning I went ahead and called the MFM to see if they had my blood results from the NT scan. I hadn't heard back from Dec. 11th and they let me know there was a back-up....which was completely reasonable with the Holidays. The Nurse let me know that everything came back normal and I am so grateful to have that news. Now I won't have to have an amnio, which was freaking me out!

Christmas was a little tough. I think I had some residual feelings from the years of negatives on that big day and it just weighed me down. I was so sad for those who hadn't gotten their positives and I just couldn't really get over it. I am feeling better today and more hopeful as time goes on and more good news comes in. Things are good and I am finally feeling like the other shoe is NOT going to drop this time.

Today is the 21st... which can only mean....

2009-12-21T13:10:00.002-06:00

Petri is due in 6 months! Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year and our little Miracle is scheduled to arrive on the Summer Solstice, the longest day of the year. Really feeling the excitement today! Expectant Couple ornament is hung on the tree. Friends from the Bump are getting their BFPs and it is just a good time. Getting ready to wrap presents and get ready for our week away. Happy Monday!

14 Weeks!

2009-12-21T09:04:00.000-06:00

Baby's now the size of a lemon!

Your adorable little fetus is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine, and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys, and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over her body for warmth.

This week is a busy one. Heading home for the Holidays to Tyler's parents. Our Lady of the Snow on Tuesday night, shopping in St. Louis on Wednesday and everyone together on Thursday. Should be good times. Petri is doing well. Our meet and greet with the Doctor is on the 5th and then we will be scheduling our big ultrasound. Can't believe we are getting to that point. All of our pre-natal classes are scheduled for the Spring and things are chugging along.

You know, it took so long for this to happen, and now that it has happened, it is going so fast. Who knew!?

13 Weeks!

2009-12-14T21:00:00.002-06:00

Baby's now the size of a peach!

Your fetus is forming teeth and vocal cords...savor this, their nonfunctional phase. Baby is approaching normal proportions, with his head now only one third the size of his body. And intestines are in the process of moving from the umbilical cord to baby's tummy -- much more convenient.

This week has been a good week. Belly is starting to pop now and things are fitting a little differently now. Belly Butter is a must as the itchies are coming out in full force. Not much else is going on. Things are settling down nicely and I am in the Second Trimester! Yay!

NT scan was Thursday!

2009-12-12T08:13:00.002-06:00

This is where they check for the nose bone to be grown in (and it is!) and they measure the fold of the neck to check for Down Syndrome. Everything looked good.

We had 3 scans. Petri was being very stubborn... this really is our child and would not lay on its back. So we went in for the first.... got some cute shots and couldn't get the neck measured. Went around to walk for 10 minutes. Came back... same thing.

Went up to my NP appointment and did the glucose thing (post metformin) and then went back down to MFM and finally got the money shots. It was great being about to see Petri so much. It was like the Baby was giving us a gift of making the u/s 3x longer than it should have been :) Everything looks good and now we are on the 4 week rotation of NP then Doc.... kind scary, but nice to be normal!

12 weeks!

2009-12-07T08:10:00.001-06:00

As you move into the second trimester, baby shifts into the growth and maturation stage. After weeks in the critical development stage, almost all of baby's systems are fully formed.

Our 1st OB appointment!

2009-12-03T18:01:00.002-06:00

Can I tell you how weird it was walking into a room of pregnant women and then slowly realizing that I was one of them!? We met with a Nurse for our Orientation and got all the details of making our way through OB. Packets, phone numbers.... it was like signing for a mortgage again... maybe a few less sheets of paper and signatures.

The Nurse we met with was very nice and it was reassuring coming from such a one-on-one atmosphere to a place where there are so many others like you. We are normal.... *sigh*! I went ahead and did my 1st 1 hour glucose test and will repeat it next week to see how I am doing without my Metformin.

Oh, and did I mention I am off all of my meds?!?! Well almost all of them. I am obviously still taking my pre-natal vitamin and then I am staying on my extra Folic Acid, which we changed from 4 pills down to one super pill :) So I go from 14 pills a day now down to 2, and 4 if I take Tylenol PM.

So that is what is going on for now. We go in Thursday for our NT scan and first NP appointment. Things are moving along!

11 Weeks!

2009-11-30T21:40:00.003-06:00

Your fetus currently enjoys a 1:1 ratio between body and head, and has skin so transparent that blood vessels show right through. But, fingers and toes are no longer webbed, and hair follicles, tooth buds and nail beds are forming -- setting up a significantly more attractive future.

Last Wednesday we graduated from the RE and we head to the OB this week. It was so bittersweet. I cried as we said goodbye to our Dr and Nurses and just really concentrated on this being a good thing. I got to stop one of my meds at that time and get to stop a boatload of them this week, which will be wonderful. I am so ready to not be popping pills by the dozens each night! And I get to stop my shots on Sunday!!!! yay!!

10 Weeks!

2009-11-23T21:37:00.002-06:00

With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will too.)

9 weeks!

2009-11-16T21:35:00.000-06:00

Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like... well... a baby!

Tucka Tucka Tucka Tucka

2009-11-11T17:23:00.002-06:00

What the heck does that mean?! That is the sound of our little bean's heart beat heard today at 8 weeks 2 days ! It was amazing!! And our little bean isn't so much a bean anymore, we call baby our little gummy bear now, complete with little arm and leg buds. The heart was beating like crazy at 170 and we even saw the little one move after I laughed.

Tears were running down my face the whole time we were in the ultrasound and our favorite Nurse was the one to scan us, which was great. My ovaries are still humungo, but I am dealing with it. We are just so excited. The look on Tyler's face hearing the heartbeat and seeing the arms and legs was so precious. He is such a proud poppa. I think we can say that we are in major love and its not just with each other :)

Morning Sickness Combat: Product Review

2009-11-09T16:52:00.002-06:00

These are some great person's gift to pregnant women! I went after these last week when the queasiness was at a high and ever since, I have popped one in when the going gets bumpy and I feel just fine.

They do say that ginger does not work for everyone. I have had great luck and found these at Motherhood Maternity. They were $4.99 for 21 pieces, which was a better deal than the preggie pops. Happy Shopping!

8 Weeks!

2009-11-09T16:47:00.005-06:00

Baby's now the size of a raspberry!

Baby is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though you can't feel it yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs, and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy.

Wednesday we go in for ultrasound #3 to see the little gummy bear. We are so excited to see the little bean again. Things are settling down morning sickness wise and I am starting to feel a little more human. Now if I could just start to feel like I have energy :)

7 weeks today!

2009-11-02T09:16:00.006-06:00

Baby's now the size of a blueberry!

Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about one hundred new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.

Starting to feel better. Morning Sickness has not been such an issue, which has been nice. I still feel queasy, but I am not glued to the toilet in the morning and night. Trying to take it easy and hoping my ovaries start to go down more. I have been very tired lately and not sleeping the best, so I hope that starts to even out. Overall, I am a happy lady and loving all of this.

Changes

2009-10-28T21:31:00.002-05:00

Today we had our first ultrasound and with my Hubby by my side, we saw our little peanut with it's heart beating at a wonderful 113. We are 6 weeks and 2 days today and this news could not be more sweet. I am a blissed out little lady. The only downside of the appointment was being told that my ovaries are the size of grapefruits...each. Kind of uncomfortable. They should go down soon and everything will be fine, just a little sore. Next ultrasound is on November 11th.

Some changes will be happening to my blog. I have thought a lot about keeping it just here and making a new blog for my pregnancy, but I want to keep everything together. I started this blog when things started getting really tough. That was my journey... is my journey and I will never forget this part of my life. I have met some wonderful women suffering from IF and conquering IF and I hope to keep in touch with them throughout.

So it is with a cautious heart that I will now start to blog about my pregnancy and our little Ru. These next months should be fun :)

100th Post... and it is a Doozy!

2009-10-19T18:10:00.003-05:00

How much of a coincidence is it that my 100th post on this blog is my official announcement of being pregnant!? My beta today came back at 695 and the office is very happy with that number. Sure it could be higher, but I just seem to be a slower number climber. I am so terribly happy. I just keep saying it over and over again.... I am pregnant. Wow! I go in for my first ultrasound on October 28th and hopefully we will see then how many are taking residence inside my ute. :) I can't wait to see Baby Ru on the big screen.

All signs point to yes :)

2009-10-17T16:50:00.002-05:00

Monday morning I woke early and went into the bathroom to test. It came back positive in less than 3 minutes. The feeling was absolutely amazing to be able to tell Tyler as he came up to me and tell him that I really am pregnant. The test said so :) I had to make sure it didn't have a "not" in front of the pregnant. I am still in shock. Beta #1 came in at 107.

Wednesday I went back for another blood test and things were a little different. My beta came back at 174. It didn't quite do what it needed to, but was close. They want me to come back in Monday just to make sure everything is OK. I have been getting sick daily since last Wednesday and my belly is all bloated from minor OHSS. I just can't believe that it worked. I can only hope for good things to come in the next weeks.

We are not announcing to friends or extended family until we hear a heartbeat and maybe even longer than that. If you know me in real life and see this, please keep it quiet. I want to be careful and make sure everything is good first. Thank you all so much for your good thoughts and prayers. Love you!

Signs?

2009-10-10T07:08:00.003-05:00

I have been throwing up. Just a little... but each morning since Wednesday and a couple times in the evening. I feel fine during the day. I feel better when I do throw up. What the hell is this? I thought it was way to early for morning sickness, but then I visited Dr. Google and atleast 5 sites say sickness can start as early as the day after conception. That is crazy! I don't know what to believe but I am not ready to test....not yet. Too scared.

I have been having weird cramps/pain in the bottom area of my torso and of course, my ta-tas are killing me. I hate my body if this isn't a set of good signs. 2 more days til Beta Day!!

5 snow babies on ice

2009-10-05T18:01:00.000-05:00

Got the call from the lab that 5 of our 11 blasts made it to freeze yesterday. I am trying to think happy thoughts. It is the most we have ever had and they are blasts. Opportunities for the future. Right? I think my little head just had so many big dreams when we found out we had 11 at day 5.

Now I just have to keep thinking that we won't need them for a long while because my little 3 snuggling in will keep me busy :)

Transfer Day

2009-10-03T09:16:00.001-05:00

The little tenants are settling in for their lease. Lease is up in a couple of weeks when they decide if they will stay and renew or go. Let's hope they like their new digs.

Btw: all 11 other embies are still growing. We can't believe it. We will here back from the Lab tomorrow to see how many freeze. Yay!

24 hours of no vomiting

2009-09-30T18:13:00.002-05:00

I made it! 24 hours of no puking. This time yesterday I had just gotten back from the Dr.'s office where I had been rushed in. Around noon I took a dose of Darvocet that didn't make me feel so good. It wasn't cutting down the pain and I was feeling really badly. I tried to take a nap and got up around 2pm only to have a date with the bathroom. I hate puking. I hadn't eaten hardly anything at all, so it made it even worse. It got so bad I called the Nurse and she said to try to take a teaspoon of water every 15 minutes while she talked to the NP. I couldn't even handle that.

They told me to come in right away. I had called Tyler to come home and called again to stress I needed him home. Nurse L called back and I had to put the phone down at one point. She felt horrible and I felt worse. We finally got to the Office where I promptly christened their trashcan as well (I had been directly escorted to a room) and then got a nice shot in the butt to make me stop throwing up. It worked. Thank God!

They checked my ovaries to make sure I didn't have any punctures that were causing bleeding and everything came back good. I think it was just a horrible reaction to the pain meds. So Ibuprophen it is now. No more incidents today and feeling much better. Ah...the rollercoaster of IF...